I'm 35 and just accepted I'm gay

Hi - well done on the steps you have taken. I know how difficult it is (I'm 36 and a bit behind where you are in that, while I've accepted I am gay I have big problems with anybody knowing and have really been struggling). When there's any prospect of speaking to anyone I know about what I am, or even meeting up with someone who I have met online even for a friendly coffee, I seem to have panic symptoms and just want to lock myself away from the world. But I'm working on it and don't want to cut off such a big part of myself forever.

I know what you mean about just needing to have someone to share how things are with as well. I only just signed up here and have already been helped just by a few interactions with people. It helps so much to know people are in the same situation as you.

As for online dating, I feel the same - I am not looking for hookups etc, just for somebody to get to know with the hope that it might build into something more. And if it doesn't, it would be great to have some friends who understand all of this.

I, too, don't want to get stuck in the same pattern that has been my life for so long. So you are not the only one going through this kind of thing and you'll find a lot of support here.

 

Heval,

I understand. I came out in my 40's. Self-acceptance was not smooth by any means but now I am very comfortable with who I am. Once that happens, the need to share is great. I certainly understand that as well. Listen, you're fine. Many of us are not alone in this journey but if you like yourself you will find others as well.

 

Heval, I came out right around my 34th birthday. You're moving forward, which is great. You'll find the right guy to help you through the first steps eventually. Don't give up. So far, I've only dated 2 women, but I'm not with either. I just keep talking to new people. It's so weird to me because I've dated 3 people my entire life up until now, and I'm working on setting up a first date with my 3rd woman this year. Amazing how much better it works when you're honest with yourself. Keep it. The best is yet to come.

 

Welcome to EC! Thanks for sharing your story. I don't have specific advice right now I just wanted to say welcome and keep posting (*hug*)

 

Hey, I'm 35 as well and a bit behind where you are also. It's such a struggle; you don't want anybody to know and yet you want to step out and live your life. I envy those who have real friends to turn to who completely understand. I have two really close straight friends I've finally told and they are supportive but they don't know exactly what it's like living this way.

Glad to know I'm not alone.

 

Hi Heval,

Congratulations on all the progress you've done so far! Don't take that for granted, since you've already come a long way.

I know that feeling of being "stuck" too well. I'm in my 30s too, and keep seeing my straight friends getting married or in relationships and I just want the same thing for me, but I'm terrified to come out and truly accept who I am.

I'm not sure if I can offer any advice, but at least I wanted to let you know that you're definitely not alone. Good luck with the next steps in your journey!

 

Just wondering if prior to this did you have any relationships with women? Or did you never date much? Just wondering about your history and past?

 

Makes sense. Only reason I ask was because I'm going through something similar at 27, but I dated and slept with a couple women. Other than the thought of you're gay, inside of my head, I have no other proof or relating facts that back it up. Though I'm trying to accept it as the anxiety it causes is terrible.

 

Welcome to EC!
so happy to hear your story.
Youll likely be fine, just keep trying. And if you don't have friends on the dating sites, you know you have friends here... keep comming back. Im new and Im going to.

 

I know exactly what you mean - it's like once you start coming out or acting on being gay, there's no way back. You're losing a life that you will never be able to get back. It doesn't seem to make sense on a rational level.

I feel like I've accepted what I am and all I really want to do is find someone to make a life with, but the way that I react and just can't go through even with the simplest steps makes me wonder if, deep down, I really have accepted it.

I'm just trying to take small steps - even posting on here is a good positive step and helps a lot.

 

I don't know if this is helpful in any way, but when I finally accepted my sexuality and also my wish to have sex with men, that's the first thing I did: cruising and gay saunas and even a male prostitute (expensive, but worth it for the experience). It's not all there is to being gay or bisexual, but I felt it was the most important part for me at that time. I also saw it as a way to learn about how to be with a man sexually - because the truth is, most men (even many gay men) are lousy at sex.
Up until recently, Coming out wasn't important to me. But now, as I slowly start to come out, I'm thinking about the other aspects of being gay - a developing relationship with a man has me thinking about about such things as holding hands or kissing him in public, having him stay over when my kids are with me, maybe even marriage, getting active in the community and campaigning for LGBT rights, etc. So becoming visible in the general community. So that's been my journey. And I would say, just jump in the deep end and take what you want. Enjoy the chaos and the uncertainty and the feelings of inadequacy because if you've never been with a man before, you're going to have to learn how to be with one at some stage. And it's worth it. It really is. There is something special about finding another man who is prepared to let his guard down and truly be with you as a lover and a friend.

 

Congrats! I recently started going through the process of wanting to come out because I thought that I had a reason. He recently decided to head in another direction. I've told a couple of people over the past few weeks but have not experienced the relief I thought I would.

 

I am now out to about 10 people. I still have more to go, important ones like my kids and my mom, sister and brother and their families. I started with people who I already knew would be supportive and would keep my secret for as long as I needed. Do you have anyone else in your life like that? It's helpful if you know anyone who is gay and will likely be accepting of you. The more people I came out to the easier it has gotten. It has given me more courage, more confidence and a better sense of what I want to say to people I come out to. Take baby steps and let the small successes build your confidence to make larger ones. You can do it!

 

Very well put!

 

I'm 32 (male) and am having a lot of difficulty around this as well right now, questioning who I am. How and when did you all "know"? Is it something you felt you always knew and denied, or have your preferences in who you find attractive or what you want sexually changed and you've finally come to terms with them? I used to think attraction was a fairly simple concept, which sex you thought was more attractive, which one gave you butterflies in your stomach. But it's become less clear as I've gotten older. What does "attraction" mean to you? I've always been attracted to women (according to that description) but I've been thinking about sex with men for a while.