1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Too much fear of being alone forever

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lonelyjamie, Jul 1, 2016.

  1. lonelyjamie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2015
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Paraná, Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm only 18 years old, too young to have this feeling but I have it. This huge fear of being single and lonely during my entire life. I never had a relationship, never; not even a kiss with anyone.

    I had a nightmare where I'm alone at a house, 40 years old and at the same miserable situation that I'm living now. It made me cry so much tonight.

    I fell in love two times, I told those guys how I felt for them but they did not loved me back. We're still friends.

    I think about myself and try to understand what is wrong with me. Am I unattractive? Not interesting? I don't know, and I keep judging myself for not being able to get a boy's attention.

    How can I stop thinking this way? It's hurting me too much for a long, long time.

    (Currently listening "the lonely" by Christina Perri, definitely not helpful)
     
  2. bubbles123

    bubbles123 Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2015
    Messages:
    934
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New England, US
    Sorry you're feeling this way. But first, there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are a human being with real, valid feelings and emotions. You are never less than a human being, and it is okay to not feel good about yourself sometimes, but it doesn't mean those thoughts are true.

    You don't know what the future holds and there are a lot of people you haven't meant, but regardless: a long-term relationship is not the end-all-be-all in life. You can absolutely be happy without another person. YOU are capable of that, and YOU deserve happiness.

    When you picture yourself single in the future, what do you picture exactly? You're probably leaving out friends, family, a career, pets, vacations.

    I used to do that. To picture myself completely and utterly alone and sad, but alone does not equal sad. And single does not have to equal alone either unless you want it to. There is so much more in life and so many more people in life.

    And I know that doesn't change the fact that being in love with a person and spending your life with them is desireable - it is! And that's a natural desire, certainly. But it also helps to teach yourself that you will be okay and you can certainly have a great life. You don't need another person to be whole and to enjoy yourself and to do crazy things and pursue your dreams and try new things.

    You're young, I'm young, we both have a lot of time left to go. Instead of using that time to be sad and chase people, we should try to use as much of it as we can to explore ourselves and get to know ourselves and who we are without others.

    People will come and go in life. You'll always meet new people, but the one person who's always there with you and always there in every relationship you may be in is yourself, so it's important to build a relationship with yourself first. I know that sounds cheesy, and I'm by no means good at that myself, but it's something I'm working on and it is truly important.

    I hope this helps you. Please know that you are loved, and that you are a whole and complete human being without anyone else.
     
  3. lonelyjamie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2015
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Paraná, Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I imagine myself with a great career, some friends and having contact with my family but still feeling empty inside. Today I see a lot of my friends going out on dates and moving on with their relationships and I'm sad because I feel like I'm missing a huge part of life by being single.

    I always had problems with accepting and loving myself, the fact is that I don't love myself, sometimes I hate the person that I am for being such a coward. I know I need to change this situation, but how? How can I be in a good relationship with myself?
     
  4. bryaninau

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2014
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Jamie,
    I understand your fear and I too have these, as I am almost 26 and still single myself. But all the same I fear being along forever too. What I came to do it focus on the positives in my live and what I have rather then what I don't. Such as I have great friends, a great job, and moving in a direction in my career that I want to. Try looking it at that way I know its easier said then done but give it a try.
     
  5. lonelyjamie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2015
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Paraná, Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for the comment, I'll try to focus on positive things and be more optimistic (that's another part of my life that I have problems with, but I'll work on it).
     
  6. thrashgal

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2015
    Messages:
    263
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    california
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    yea, thats what im doing too...it took me a while to figure it out but i can focus on these things now instead of how i want love so so bad and feel ill never have it (so much so that ive actually started to accept it) (*hug*)(&&&)
     
  7. lonelyjamie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2015
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Paraná, Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    You mean accepting the "fact" that you'll never have love? I don't believe that I could think this way, I always wanted to love someone, and be loved. I'm very affectionate, I like to give love to people I care about, the problem is that most of the time I don't get it back.
     
  8. Systems

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2014
    Messages:
    151
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The stereotypical permanent monogamous relationship is as natural as the many kinds of polyamory and friendship and every other kind of relationship. Relationships are natural, and they take many forms.

    It's difficult to make a single relationship that fits all your needs. You don't have to have multiple romantic partners, but having multiple relationships (including friendships) lets you distribute your needs, and there will be less strain on each relationship. Stereotypical monogamous relationships are extremely demanding- it's a lot to ask that someone fill all of your emotional, social, sexual, and affectionate needs, and it's a lot to ask for to also not allow other deep relationships to form, be they romantic, platonic, sexual, or anything else.

    Friendship can be just as fulfilling as romantic partnership. It's not a matter of one being inherently closer or better than the other- they're just two different shapes relationships take.

    I'm also scared of not getting my needs met. They're not being met now, but I'm making progress. I am polyamorous, but I think our needs are far more similar than they are different. I'm afraid I'll never have a deep romantic relationship, I'm afraid I'll never have deeply affectionate relationships, I'm afraid I'll continue to not have enough platonic love, and I'm afraid I'll never have a satisfying sexual relationship. The future is scary in many ways. It could go really badly, but I'm working on it.

    I don't have to build my entire ideal social network right now. That would be impossible to do in a short amount of time. I'm first working on establishing platonic non-sexual relationships. I've made good progress, and it helps me feel less crappy about my other needs not being met. It really does feel good to have friends. And the rest? I'll get there. I would've sworn I'd never have friends, but I did it. I made friends. And just like I made friends, I'm going to make relationships that include romance, sex, and/or physical affection. Not necessarily partnerships, but still deep relationships that meet my particular needs.
     
  9. thrashgal

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2015
    Messages:
    263
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    california
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    story of my life...
     
  10. Hunter8

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2015
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Detroit
    Gender:
    Male
    I can sometimes get feelings of intense loneliness too. I've chosen a path of celibacy due to my Christian faith. At times, this decision has drawn into a deeper relationship with Jesus. At other times, it can leave me feeling quite depressed. One thing is for sure. It's a struggle, but definitely not an uninteresting one. Through my battles with loneliness though, I have learned cherish the Love of Christ more as well as the beautiful love of my friends and family. Love is all around you, my friend, regardless of whether you ever find a romantic relationship or not.
     
  11. The Falcon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2015
    Messages:
    92
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Germany
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Oh sweetie don't feel that way! You are too young! Don't worry about a thing!

    Here is a verse I wrote in a time like yours:

    When sad tunes are playing
    And the heart is not beating
    Remember the saying
    That every moment is fleeting.
     
  12. lonelyjamie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2015
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Paraná, Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Oh, I loved your reply! I understand that having multiple friendships is good because you can fill your needs easily but I'm more introvert, I don't have a lot of friends. I have two at university, two from high school and one from my family (a cousin that's living in other city).

    I do have a friend that really cares about me, my best friend is the person I always talk to when I'm feeling too bad (or happy). This friend helped me so much when I was very depressed and having suicidal thoughts.

    Except by these 5 people I mentioned, I don't have a close friendship with any other person. But in fact I don't have a problem with having a small number of friends. I prefer having a strong emotional connection with a few people rather than having a lot of friends without meaning. What makes me feel sad is the lack of any romantic connection.