Why be alive?

What keeps you in NYC? Why not move to Omaha if life is not worth living anyway and give someone else a shot at those hot guys you are neglecting?

Sorry.

Of course you know that none of us can answer your question. But, I think some of us fall into the trap of blaming our sexuality for what ails the rest of our lives. We blame the very thing that could help us improve our lives. Making ones sexuality an enemy cannot work. There needs to be a truce here. An acceptance and not an academic one. A silly, stupid, carefree understanding that we are just victims of some whacked chemistry experiment.

But, we go with it. Because Omaha sucks...not in a good way!

 

Wow, that's kind of a lot of pressure, but I can't just read this and not say anything. I don't know about waking up tomorrow for a reason. I'm pretty deep in relationship problems, super tired, and depressed right now myself. It seems like your trying to fit yourself into a idea of what life "should" be. What I've been thinking lately is screw it, I wasn't ever ment to be "normal" and trying to fit into that only makes me feel horrible about myself. Isn't there another life you can live? Like going somewhere to meditate on the meaning of existence. Selling your stuff and learning to sail around the world. Join a art commune in Mexico. (Actually know one person who did this.) Buy an RV, travel the states and work odd jobs as you need them. Go live in a tent for a year. Join Doctors Without Borders, or some related type of relief organization. It doesn't matter what you do, just keep trying different stuff till something sticks. You've been trying to fix the same stuff for 2 decades, and it's OK to give up on trying to fix it, but go out and do something else. The stuff you what to fix will always be there waiting for you, but it's ok to take a break in life and live for no reason other than you want to see what the sunrise is like and the Grand Canyon. Or that you would miss out on the next good book in a series you are reading. Right now it feels like careers, goals, and relationships maybe over rated in my life. But it rained yesterday and afterwards there was these little baby moths everywhere. They where floating around in the breeze while the sun went in and out of clouds hitting rain drops that sat on everything like a spiders web in morning dew. It was exceptionally pretty, and I had the sence that I could live looking for little moments like that and be content.

I would be sad if you decided to give up your life. And I'm asking you please not to do it.

 

I don't know why we're alive. I suspect there's no reason beyond continuing the species. But even so we have consciousness and self-awareness so we want meaning to our lives. And the meaning is you were born not to suffer but to be happy. This is all you get. Your one shot at it. There's no comfort in dying or being dead. There's only non-existence. It's up to us to find a purpose or use for our lives and to achieve happiness. And that purpose can be anything you like. Please don't give up on yourself!

 

Nerdbrain

I went to lunch with my wife on Saturday after the pride thing in my small town to a gay friendly bar. Still had my festival wristband on. Our waiter had the most beautiful and expressive face. He knew it too. He saw my gay thing and started flirting with his smile and eyes. Captivating. My wife was watching and thoroughly enjoyed it.

As we walked away I told my wife that I was so happy I was gay and could appreciate that beauty. There was a time in my life I hated myself for that feeling...what a loss if I had not opened myself up to that. Sometimes it just takes opening your eyes to what is there. It can be amazing even without the sex. Maybe you are thinking you need to get to home plate without running the bases?

 

I've suffered with similar thoughts for different reasons and have been in a bad place in my life. Only YOU have control over your journey. I am no expert, I don't even know how to help, but I have come out of my own depression and I hope my words can help somehow.

Firstly, I see that you speak a lot about what you have and don't have. These dark thoughts and pain you feel have nothing to do with what you don't have. If what you seek is peace and happiness it comes from within and I know it is cliche, but "the secrets to life are hidden behind the word cliche".

"Why be alive?" Well "Why be dead? that's no fun!" Be alive because you are lucky enough to live the human experience. Not everyone is so lucky as you! Pain is also beauty and I am a firm believer that happiness does not exist without pain. The more pain you feel the greater capacity you have for an equal amount of happiness. Embrace the darkness, accept that it has no power over you, take your life back, take your power, come back stronger. The most beautiful people have fought the hardest life battles. You have potential for such greatness if you believe you have it within.

Yes, you do have to make a change in order to see a change. It will be a long slow process, but it is a beautiful journey and well worth it. My words will not change your thoughts, but if you keep becoming exposed to similar words of encouragement eventually when YOU are ready you will accept it. I read so many self-help books like "The Power of Now" "How to win friends and influence people" "The seven habits of highly effective people" etc. I looked for mentors like Tony Robins and others. Music also helped a lot.

The power is within you. Take control of your life. I know I cannot help you, only YOU can do that, but I hope something I said stuck and gave you some type of hope. Life is a beautiful journey and it is okay to feel pain. I was in pain for a long time, it took many, many years to get to where my head space is today. I have other issues like figuring out my sexual orientation, but my head is clear and ready to take on this part of my journey now that I have cleared up other demons.

Good luck, don't give up. I promise the answers you seek are all within YOU and not outside. It is hard, life is hard, but also beautiful. Begin the journey to awaken your soul.

 

I was in some pretty dark places several times in my life so far and I didn't do it because of two reasons.

1. Family (to be more specific my grandparents who raised me). They are old and I simply cannot do this to them.
2. Shelter dogs. (I volunteer at an animal shelter and am very passionate about it).

I did/still do like my paying job and my friends. But I figured my friends would be fine without me since I was not the only person in their support system and there would be lots of people who could do my job probably better than me. So yeah those were the only two reasons.

I really don't have any advice to give you. Plus I remember when I was really sad, I hated advice because 'no one had suffered the way I suffered'. I can only tell you that I have been feeling much better after I came out to my family. I can't say I am 'fixed' because I have had way too many years practicing how to feel bad that I have become really good at it. If I am not vigilant, I can easily slip back into the self-pity mode.

 

When I think of the times I'm glad to be alive, I always think of the fall. The smell in the air, the crunchof the leaves, wearing sweaters and cuddling up with a nice book. Scary movies and Halloween.

What are the things that made you happy to be alive when you were a child?

When I think of dying, things either just stop, or there is some spiritual realm where we're all floating around feeling enlightened. Personally I find both of those possibilities incredibly boring. I like to laugh and cry and feel rain on my skin, and be irreverent and quirky and absurd. Life is a mix of pain and joy and like others have said, one cannot exist without the other. I personally think the darkness in life is one of the things that make it most interesting.

My thoughts on this aren't especially insightful. But it's what I really find endearing about life. Sometimes life is lonely, and hard. I hope you can find the beauty and joy behind all of that.

 

NB: your soul, the part deep inside your heart, incarnated on this planet, at this time, for some purpose. You've been playing out its karma, with your ego driven personality acting from fear, to preserve its own self interest. Your soul is about love. Get to know what that love is about. Touch that love. Stay w that love. Give it away to everyone you come in contact with

BD

 

Nerdbrain,we're in similar situations. I've spent so long debating my sexuality with myself that i have no real alternative than living a gay life. The reason for that is that i've tried the striaght life and its not made me fundamentally happy within myself. I think that you are there too.
I think internalised homophobia does have something to do with it, also denial takes a long time to overcome.
In NYC you are perfectly placed to start dating guys. Surely dating guys is better than the limbo you find yourself in.
I empathise with the suicidal thoughts, i've had them too, but feeling bad can't go on forever.
You never know by dating guys you might find yourself click and it all falls into place.
I assume your confusion stems from your love for your ex wife but also some straight fantasies that you are capable of having? Me too.
I also assume that you've had no 'positive' gay experiences or feelings for someone that give you some clarity?
I can say that i empathise with your situation - but all i would say is that its not going to resolve itself and you need to start taking positive steps by doing LGBT things, going to bars, meeting people for coffee/drinks, kissing a few guys, going to pride etc because otherwise it will always just be in your head and you won;t have any experiences to guide you on how you feel. I know you've done a bit of this, but i think you need to do more.
I appreciate that none of your friends or family are bothered about you being gay or not, so how about just seeing if the cap fits for a little while. after all what have you to lose?
be well my friend.

---------- Post added 28th Jun 2016 at 02:47 AM ----------

So i'd start with what are you going to do next. An example, i've hanging out with a gay friend that i've made a lot. We've kissed and i know he is keen. I'm going to LGBT meetups, going to gay singles night on Friday, and then to gay pride on Saturday. I've been going to gay bars which i am now really comfortable doing.
what plans do you have?

---------- Post added 28th Jun 2016 at 02:52 AM ----------

Also i remember that you've been told previously that its an obsessive issue. I personally think an obsessional diagnosis can be a dangerous thing - what made them, and you for that matter believe it was obsessional?

 

First, if you get to the point you are really thinking about suicide and making a plan, please call the suicide preventing hot line at 1 800-273-8255!

Second, every day is a new opportunity. You can choose what to do with it. You may not have a huge ambition to do one thing in particular, but know that you impact your world every single day, and start with that. Make a goal for each day to do one thing to improve life. Either yours or someone else's. It can be simple, like buying a sandwich for a homeless person and knowing you just made their day. Or it can be something huge for yourself like making a plan toward self discorer and future goals.

I think identifying what you want out of life is probably your biggest key to moving forward. What makes you happiest? Add more of that. I know for me time in nature is the most important for peace.

 

This is probably the most disturbing and telling paragraph in your post with its implicit disdain of the disabled and LGBT community. You are saying you'd rather be dead than not being the perfect self you imagine yourself to be. More to the point, you'd rather be dead than gay because you see gay as some sort of character flaw that does not embody your idealized self. This reeks of internalized homophobia and scripts that being gay makes you unworthy.

This has been a consistent theme in your posts - that you cannot accept being gay. All your problems and emotional pain stem from your deep-seated resistance that you are gay.

Time to get off your high horse and get real. Instead of wasting your money on the best help that money can buy, help which seems to be entirely ineffective, why don't you try a new approach? Why don't you share your story with some of the disabled people on the street and learn what keeps them going? It seems to me they can teach you so much about acceptance, the human spirit, and overcoming adversity.

I wake up because I get to be gay after years of denial. By accepting my sexuality and living authentically, everything makes sense and life is finally amazing!

You are gay, and you can't change it. Just accept it and start living a gay lifestyle. Push yourself outside your comfort zone and do the things that scare you. Keep on doing them until things click. You will start to feel more comfortable. It really is that simple. What makes it complicated is all the bullshit you keep on telling yourself. Cut the bullshit and just be gay.

 

I was pretty tired when I wrote that last night and I wasn't clear. What I was trying to say was don't bother with having a dream. Just pick something completely different than what you would normally do and try it. If you like it, stick with it if you don't drop it no pressure. There this huge expection that we are supposed to magically know what to do with our lives. I think it puts unnecessary pressure on us, I mean really, a manual doesn't pop out with the placenta. There's this anime you might enjoy called Silver Spoon. It's about this kid who fails all his enterance exams and just picks a trade school in agriculture to get as far away from the embarrassment as possible. Everyone there has a dream of doing something specific except him.

 

There is an idea from Nietzsche: amor fati, the love of one's fate, which I think you (OP) should take to heart (from an article from Daniel Toy):

The article ends this way:

Going through a phase of active nihilism seems necessary when you find yourself abandoning Judeo-Christian moralities and values, and what more powerful abandonment of these values is affirming that being gay is who you are? What I highlighted above is important, this truly seems to be a necessary phase, a transition toward amor fati.

To me the most important statement by Nietzsche, in this context, is as follows:

There it is: "goallessness as such" being the principle of our faith. To live without a grand Goal is to live in the moment, and to love every moment that one is alive, and to love every event that happens to us, not matter whether "good" or "bad" (those categories no longer apply).

For example, you may choose to write a book. There are two ways to live that experience, either you focus on the end product, and think only about how it will look once it is hopefully published, or, you can focus on the process, which is what goallessness means, i.e., living in the moment, letting yourself be possessed by the flow of that writing as you are writing.

In this case, the goal no longer matters as much as the journey toward it.

In this case, whether the book is a best-seller or a flop doesn't matter. Success or failure are no longer important, it is how you live in the moment that matters.

To me, goals are problematic, for two reasons: say you succeed...then what? No more goal? Say you fail...are you then a failure forever more?

Give up goals, be alert to your desires as you feel them today, you say you don't have any, I don't think that's true, just be still a little and try to hear that still, small voice that is your "daemon" trying to tell you something....

 

I love this. It truly made my day.

 

There is a great quote from Gabrielle Roth that I found recently:

None of these questions involves a goal, or some failure at something, or some moral crisis...When did you stop dancing?

As Baristajedi alluded, we are born to joy...I remember my first-born son, still in diapers leaping into the stream of a sprinkler on the lawn, or the spontaneous, unselfconscious dancing of my young daughter, or the delicious and rebellious laughter of my second son...

From the shamans to chassidic Jews, dancing, singing, telling stories and silent meditations (some call them prayers) are central to joy, and joy is central to life.

 

Nerdbrain

When was the last time you got "naked and ran through the sprinkler". I do this once a day...figuratively speaking (since the neighbors complained)! Some simple little piece of unrestrained joy that you can build on?

 

TY greatwhale