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I'm Not Even Sure of What I Am

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mvp 447, Jun 22, 2016.

  1. mvp 447

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, long story short, I repressed a lot of things that happened in childhood and repressed feelings for a long time. I've been married a good while, and told my wife how I feel a year ago. She's been great about it and I've been with a man. I probably overall get greater pleasure when thinking about the same sex and performing certain acts.

    The problem is that I still genuinely really, really love my wife, she's my soulmate. But I am not as frequently attracted to the opposite sex and as I've allowed myself to be honest internally, my orgasms with her and when thinking of women have decreased. So you'd just figure I must be gay, right?

    But the thing is, I only like genital contact with other men. I really don't want them to kiss me or do other stuff, just oral and anal, then I'm done. With women, I want to do everything. I also strongly feel that I could not ever emotionally connect with a man as I do with my wife.

    I also only think about women sexually in public/social situations. I notice the exceptional breasts/ass/etc and still feel a tingle down there, though not quite as often as I used to. And I NEVER think of men I know personally in a sexual way, ever.

    Please, share thoughts, because I'm willing to say I'm probably bi but is that accurate? Am I bi 60/40 gay/straight? I dont know and i hate to not know.
     
  2. Tyler hereforu

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    It's unclear to me. Only you yourself can find out what's going on.
    Maybe you're straight but you discovered a new "thing" (being attracted to males sexually) and maybe that's why for the time being, your pleasure with women is less than usual? The fact that you feel sexually attracted to men, doesn't necessarily mean that you are gay or even bi. For a man to be gay or bi, he should also be able to build strong emotional connections with another man - at least that's my opinion.

    But, you said, you repressed a lot of things that happened in childhood. Did you seek help for this? Did you consider talking with a psychologist?
    I understand your situation must be quite confusing - I think professional help could bring some clarity for you.
     
  3. MrHojalata98

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    I'm not an expert, by any means. But I'll happily share my perspective on the subject and hopefully, even if it's by disagreeing with me it'll help you in some way. First I need you to consider the possibility that sexuality is not as rigid and binary as people are originally taught to believe. Have you ever heard of the Kinsey scale? It's a very simple concept that if you're interested to learn about in length there are some great videos and articles on it I could link you to. But basically, it claims that everyone falls on this scale from 0 to 6. 0 being completely straight, and 6 being completely gay. And this theory claims that most people actually fall somewhere in between those numbers. So don't let yourself be restrained by previous beliefs or things that you were taught. Sexuality is not only not as simple as gay/straight/bi but sexuality is also fluid. Use labels to facilitate things for yourself, if you feel like they're overcomlicating things for you because you feel like you don't quite fit into any one category, then don't use them. Just listen and analyze what it is you're feeling. If your preference of men to women is 80 to 20 that doesn't make you any less of a bisexual man as someone who's 50/50 if that's what you choose to identify as.

    im gonna make some assumptions and if I'm wrong please correct me, but considering you mentioned a wife I can only assume you're an older person. I only mention this, because while this rapid change in the way people perceive homosexuality and sexuality in general is great, it's also still very recent. What this means is that people above a certain age, by no fault of their own, were raised in a society that was inherently homophobic. I wish I knew more about you so I could know if any of this were true, but if you were raised in a situation were being with a man was never even an option, if you were taught that being with a man was a perversion, repulsive, any of those things, that may also be a reason why you find it difficult to seperate any sort of relations you have had with men from just sexual to something romantic. While my perspective is limited, I've yet to come across any one person that likes sexual relations with other men but doesn't enjoy anything else. I say this because I have talked to a few people who after getting past that first obstacle of "am I gay?" wanted a romantic relationship with a guy but didn't want anything sexual, but after becoming more comtrable with the whole idea, well, became comtrable with everything else. That's not to say the same would occur with you, but if you're struggling with this I think it's important you consider it as a possibility. As far as a solution, what I'd recommend is just time. Let yourself feel whatever it is you have to feel. Let yourself experiment and find what you like while trying to eliminate any sort of biased you may have. Forget how you were taught to think and view homosexuality. And if the confusion persists, then maybe even try a few things you wouldn't think you want. Kiss a man, hold his hand, hug him and just hold him, go on a date. I'm sure you've experienced all these things with your wife, and as you made it clear they were very meaningful to you. But the possibility that you could also enjoy these things with another man wouldn't devalue any of those things, and maybe you'd be pleasantly surprised. I hope I helped in any way, and if I can help in anything else please don't hesitate to message me.
     
  4. findingjoy

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
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    Out to everyone
    I am no expert but if you have found someone you geniunley love then you are a very lucky man. put the gay stuff aside for a second.. what if i posted "i genuinely love my wife, but am really turned on by this girl at work'
     
  5. MrHojalata98

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    I'm sorry but I have to disagree with you implying those two scenarios are the same. Yes the argument could be made, but he wasn't asking for your input on how he should run his marriage. This is about a man trying to figure out his sexuality; all other matters not pertaining to that I don't think are appropriate. You yourself as a gay man I presume know the frustration of not fully knowing who you are as a person. Bisexual people, if that is what he chooses to identify as at the moment, don't stop being any less bisexual if they're in a heterosexual relationship. Him wanting to understand his mind, and who he is regarding his sexuality, is just as valid as any other person's. He mentioned his wife had been supportive through this experience, so what exactly is he doing wrong?
     
  6. artsy3376

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    Wow, MrHojalata98. You are a very insightful young man. I was surprised to see your profile says you are 18. You seem wise beyond your years. I'm 50 and questioning my sexuality and started reading this post because the title caught my attention. After reading his question I thought it really didn't apply to me since my situation was completely different, but I read your words and was struck by your wisdom. The situation may not apply to me and I don't know if your words helped mvp but the underlying current of your sentiment and your understanding of the complexities of the mental process for those older than you certainly gave me more to think about.

    Thank you.