Cool story, bro. ---------- Post added 16th Jul 2016 at 07:59 PM ---------- THANK YOU for not driving! Drunk walking isn't the best idea, either. I suggest you call a cab.
I'm feeling really impulsive again. I thinking about throwing away my cd and tv box set collections. Any time I look at them, or remotely see anything associated with them, I hear a banging in my head that tells me I'm a piece of shit for liking them. Hell, like right now, I'm about to burst into tears because of how much 30 Seconds to Mars stuff I have and how horrible I feel for missing hearing their "A Beautiful Lie" album. It's like one of those science experiences where lab rats endure excruciating pain if they engage in something, and just thinking about it or being near it hurts them--but for me, it's anything I (used to) like. I don't think I've listened to 30STM in two years because of this, and it physically hurts me just seeing thumbnails of their songs---and I hate it. Fuck, I haven't played any of my PS2 games in what feels like the same amount of time; like my GTA trilogy which I cried about getting because I lost my old copies or my Simpsons racing games. I had this happen yesterday; both with my music and a movie, and I had the shakes for a good hour or hour and a half because I felt like I made a colossal fuck up for it---all for a single scene I forgot was in a movie that I showed someone that I haven't seen in years. My hands are trembling just thinking about it. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I'm pretty sure the amount of things that don't trigger me (in terms of feeling guilty and shitty for enjoying them or existing) can be counted on both my hands. I know when I was coming home from Turkey Hill, I felt an intense wave of guilt wash over me because and artist I'm "meh" about came on, and I could just hear that voice in my head beat me with a belt buckle with every syllable about how I was a piece of garbage for not liking them. Just thinking about it makes me feel so guilty and horrible, and it has me wondering how many of those little countable things I can think of are going to be erased because I can just hear them tell me how disgusting I am for it. I know I've been watching The Simpsons again to keep me from dissociating, but even that coping method is falling by the wayside because (1) it's not making me feel happy any more and (2) I can hear the voices banging inside and I can already feel someone throat a barrel of hot tar and feathers on me for enjoying it. Goddammit, is this word vomit? I'm really sorry. Fuck. It seems like sorry is the only word I know how to say anymore without fucking it up. Is that sad? I don't know. Maybe.
You know, we here on EC still love you no matter what. Like Bookreader said, hang in there. *hugs Daydreamer1 several times*
Thanks, guys. (*hug*) I feel like a mess projectile vomiting all of this stuff, and I don't want to be that person that comes off as being an attention seeker. I try to be that person who acts as a big brother to everyone else, and I can't afford to lose my shit and risk putting others in danger--since I'm accustom to putting off my own death in order to make sure others stay safe, if that makes sense. I know right now, I can just hear a lot in my head tell me I'm a selfish piece of shit for being caught up in myself and my feelings of ideation instead of being a Hufflepuff and focusing on those around me--again, if that makes sense. Fuck, I'm a mess. It's also weird for me to know I've been out of the hospital for just a bit over three years, and I can still recall certain sounds, sights, and smells vividly, almost like they happened just yesterday. Kinda fucked up, but what can you do. Another thing about my interests that sucks is that when something comes up (ex: Rick and Morty), I can't tell if someone is genuinely trying to be nice about telling me it's on, or they're patronizing me and trying to coax me into feeling a certain way. If you told me something I loved was playing or was on the radio five years ago, I'd be so pumped. Now, I cower and am afraid of saying anything because it might be a trap.
Why do many microwaves have a popcorn button if every bag of microwave popcorn says "DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON". Then why have it, guys? Why have it?
