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Am i just imagining things (possible trigger warning)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by irissakata, May 21, 2016.

  1. irissakata

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    Hi everyone...

    First of all I would like to give a little warning, this topic contains many details that could be perceived as either offensive or triggering, also it contains details about sexual related topics and the use of narcotics.

    So I had a mental breakdown again two days ago, and now I keep thinking that I might not be trans (although at those moments where I don't feel like a women, I tend to feel more gender neutral), because don't get me wrong I would have done just about anything to be born female, as I still perceive myself as a quite feminine person in comparison to my male friends, siblings, etc.. Also I do have dysphoria to a certain extent, as I hate having the male role in bed and I hate being forced into being the dominant one. I hate talking about this but, I don't have to much dysphoria when it comes to masturbation, as I do it about once a week on average, although when I do it, it is mainly because it feels like my body needs it (and I do it in a manner in which I don't have to see or directly hold it (my apologies for the details), which I don't want to prescribe any further.

    But for a while now I have back at a psychologist, because I feel like that's what I need. But I decided for myself to start making a list of problems I experience on a daily basis and have been suffering for a couple of years now. After I made the list I started to do the research on the complications, and the same disorder kept returning in the results, schizophrenia. And to be completely honest, after I started doing my research on schizophrenia, I really could identify with many of the symptoms, such as delusions (such as feeling like I was intended for something big, and that i am crazy in love with a celebrity), hallucination to a certain extend, neglecting myself, hypersomnia, compulsive thoughts, depersonalization, feel like people are out to get me (which limits me in many ways) and unfortunately i have a past of alcohol abuse and phases of drug abuse (weed) and couple more symptoms that would make this post to long.

    I have read online that schizophrenic people tend to create delusions for themselves that they will start to believe eventually, so maybe it could be that my mind triggered it (although the feelings started at a decently young age (about 11), but with no dysphoria back then, the dysphoria mainly escalated post puberty, which was around 16 as my puberty was quite late).

    I'm sorry for the long post (with probably quite a few grammar mistakes, as it already is 4am here) and also my apologies for the semi -rant, I really needed to get this of my chest, and I hope some of you might have some advice.

    Thank you so much for reading,

    Iris

    ---------- Post added 22nd May 2016 at 04:12 AM ----------

    Also on a little side note, I know I'm not a professional, so this is not a self diagnosis, this is just a prognosis
     
  2. Eveline

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    No a person with Schizophrenia doesn't try to persuade themselves that they are not Trans and they actually have schizophrenia... that's the exact opposite of having a delusion... I've seen how devistating Schizophrenia really is, I've talked a person who has Schizophrenia out of killing herself. She was tired of actively hurting the people that she loved because she had no control when the voices that she was hearing commanded her to hurt them. The voices felt natural, as if they were very much real and she heard them clearly and when she tried to rationalize them away, when she was told that she has Schizophrenia they convinced her otherwise, that others were lying to her, tring to hurt her. This is one person's story but I suspect that you can still see that Schizophrenia feels a bit off as a diagnosis.

    What the symptoms that you gave do tell me is that you most likely have an anxiety disorder. It sounds like you are self medicating yourself with weed to treat your anxiety and one of the side effects of weed is paranoia. Think about all the doubts that you've had, how hard you've tried to persuade yourself that you are not really trans, people that have a mental disorder that causes delusions don't have to deal with endless doubts in order to accept that the delusion is real, they simply know that it is true and no amount of logic will convince them otherwise.

    I hope you found this helpful and you feel bettter soon. (*hug*)
     
    #2 Eveline, May 21, 2016
    Last edited: May 21, 2016
  3. Systems

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    I've read a lot of your posts, and they all show experiences that are very common in the trans community, and which I've never heard of in cis people. You have many good reasons to identify as trans, and aren't you finding it painful and distressing to wonder if you're not really trans?

    However, nobody really is trans or cis (and this point is about semantics, it's not what you think). Trans and cis are abstract identities, not concrete things we can point at in ourselves or scientifically prove or disprove. We find it convenient to say we 'are' trans, and I understand that as meaning we 'identify as' trans. When someone identifies as trans, I take that as the only piece of information that matters and consider them to, for all intents and purses, 'be' trans.

    There can be no proof that you are or aren't trans. There can only be your consideration of your experiences and then your choice of identity. Your experiences may vary, your thought processes or values may vary, and your choice of identity my vary.

    But basically, go with what makes you happy. If it makes you unhappy to not identify as trans, you're less likely to conclude it's what you ultimately want. From what I can tell, the idea of not being trans really hurts you.

    To me, you sound obviously trans, and that's easily what I would assume you are. Your experiences sound very similar to mine and what I've heard from other trans women.
     
  4. irissakata

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    Thank you so much for your wise words, I think it seems like a good decision to try to quit using weed, decrease alcohol use and also to not hang out with the people I do it with as much anymore. I hope I didn't offend you with my prognosis, as you know someone who actually suffers from it and it is absolutely never my intention to offend anyone.

    Also I would like to thank you very much for your wise words, the thought of me needing to live as male indeed is something I despise, as I really do not see myself fit for that. To try force away my own personality certainly is something that hurts me a lot on the inside, it could be that I'm just really afraid of the unknown.

    Also I do need to admit that I don't see a future for myself in which I won't be a woman, because the thought of me needing to live as male seems completely futureless and would most likely result in a continuation of self destructive habits that might escalate further. As in the past I often have tried to take control again using manners such as self harm, which I used to do because I couldn't express my emotions to well (haven't done it in almost 2 years ), nowadays if I need to express my emotions that I'm not able to show through regular emotions I just sit down and relax by playing some of my favorite music. To be honest my ideal future would be with a husband /wife (although preferably a husband), and me being post op and living in a nice apartment with him/her, and me having a job that has something to do with music.

    Sorry for the long post again I tend to express everything a little too much when I'm here (most likely because this is the only place I can really talk about my feelings without restriction).

    But once again thank you very much to both of you!(*hug*)
     
  5. jaska

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    Ive been cursed by this kind of stuff for a long time now and I was told it could either be early beginnings of psychosis but probably just a result of severe anxiety. I've found what helps is listening to music if there are hallucinations or when I go out I try to go with people I trust. Also, just learning about it in a medical kind of sense helped me to recognise that it wasn't real and that it was separate from myself so that I could recognise when I was and wasn't hallucinating or deluding myself. If you ever need to talk you can post on my wall(*hug*)
     
  6. irissakata

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    I'm sorry to hear you also had these complication's, and i know exactly what you mean by music helping you not think about the hallucination's, it's mainly why i wake up to music and go to bed with music, to have constant distraction from bad thoughts. But the thing that worries me most is the more research i do about it, the more likely it feels to me that i might suffer from it, although not as serious as many people who are unfortunate enough. But it indeed could be anxiety, although i have never truly been diagnosed with it (although i have been with social anxiety). Tomorrow morning i will see my psychologist again and i will talk to her about it, as i have been keeping a list where i wrote down complications i noticed the past couple of days. But thank you very much for your support and bravery by telling your story (*hug*)
     
  7. irissakata

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    UPDATE:
    Hi everyone,
    i just came home from my appointment with my psychologist, and well there is good news and bad news.

    The bad news is, that she said i certainly show many signs of shizophrenia, and i heard from my father that he might also have it. So she will start a screening and talk to my doctor about the signs i have been showing.

    The good news is, she said that i finally got greenlight to talk to a gender therapist, and that i soon have my first appointment, so i'll look at it from the brightside ^ _^
     
  8. Systems

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    I hope once you have determined the cause of your symptoms you'll be able to get better, or at least find community. I don't have schizophrenia, but I've had some of those symptoms as part of anxiety and depression. For me it took a long time before I found medications that helped, but before that therapy and coping strategies like mindfulness, journaling, grounding, and reading/writing coping cards were very helpful (and probably life-saving).

    I also found it very helpful to hear about other peoples' experiences with mental illness. I used to feel like a failure, but I no longer judge myself for being mentally ill. It sure is a pain to deal with, but I'm no less deserving of compassion or respect because of it.

    Also, when writing my first post here, I mistook you for another user, so please disregard the first paragraph of my post. I stand by the rest of my post, however. You truly do sound trans to me.
     
  9. irissakata

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    For me it is not really like being depressed (as i believe i have been out of my depression for about half a year now), and also kinda hard to explain. I do have anxious feelings, like sometimes i feel like i might die soon or that something is very wrong with me, and i tend to overcheck many things to prevent bad things from happening. But i just mainly try to get as much distraction from reality as possible, such as doing fun stuff with friends, like tomorrow, as i'm going paintballing, and i'm finally excited about something for a change, other things i do to distract myself are playing or listening to music. But to be honest i'm not really the person to take medications anymore, as antidepressants (Zoloft) managed to left me numb for quite sometime. Which made me fear medication, and also reading things online about side effect's of some medication.

    And other people's experiences with the illness certainly help me cope too (even though i'm not sure whether i have it or not yet). But i keep switching between denial, coping and blaming myself.

    And it's okay to make a mistake, that's why we are human :wink:
    But i do agree with you that i most likely am trans, it could just be me being terrified of never being able to pass, being afraid i might regret it (as i have always been insecure in my choices) and afraid i might lose people who are important to me (although i also have moments where i feel like it doens't matter to me, that i will transition and that whoever is willing to support me is welcome, and who isn't supportive or is rude about it, can get out of my life).

    But thank you for responding again and giving me some good tips that might help me ^_^(*hug*)
     
    #9 irissakata, May 23, 2016
    Last edited: May 23, 2016