So, yesterday I wrote this letter to myself, as a form of coming out to myself. It is even hard to say it on here. But it said that I was gay. It felt like a relief, but at the same time I got scared and threw myself back into the closet again. I am again at the stage of bargaining. Still finding excuses, While i've said in that letter to myself that theories are true untill they are disproved. That I am gay. For now I still can't say it, I am still afraid of the future. Afraid that my sexuality will change and therefore people will judge me. I will judge myself. I feel too young to come out, but at the same time too old, like I should've known all this time, from when I was 6 years old. Is that normal? ps: After writing this, I felt the same after I wrote that letter to myself. Anxious and feeling like I am lying. Like I am making this up. Feeling like I am doing it for attention, while I've only written that letter to myself. Feeling unsure, but at the same time sure and then unsure again? Still making excuses, my head is going in circles. How long did it take you guys to get out of the bargaining stage?
I was spinning in circles a long time before I finally thought, OK, this is fine. I like this sort of person. I'd say it took me about a few months, but the bargaining time is different for a lot of people. It's absolutely fine to have no idea. Some people know from a young age, but a lot of people start to explore the idea when they are a bit older.
At this stage as well, and very frustrated and stuck at how to get out of it. I wrote a similar letter to myself in huge font on my laptop one night saying "You like girls, stop trying to kid yourself. Wake up to who you are". The next day I forgot, opened my laptop on a crowded train and there those words were, my screen froze on them haha. Didn't care who saw though. Also anxious that I'm making it up, and scared who else to tell if it turns out all not to be true. I don't feel too young to come out, I feel too inexperienced to. And I feel too old to as well. I wish I'd acknowledged it and worked it out earlier. No advice but good luck, I hope something helps you to move forward.
I felt like that a few years ago I didn't want to tell anyone in case I woke up one morning and liked guys. And my parents don't ever talk about LGBT so I was told it wasn't 'normal' but when I was 13/14 I just thought ok I think now I can say that I'm gay and it's not a phase and I'm not as mum would put it 'confused'
This is my exact fear, but it's been hanging around for a year now. Can't get rid of it hah. My mom says such things as: ''I can see you in a relationship with a woman, but I think you will end up with a man.'' Such things man... they give me fear of the future. I feel like I may not put myself in a box and at the same time I want to. Y'know, just to give an indication to people. Meanwhile, I feel like I can't be gay because I should've known all this time.