I'm trying to do things a little differently lately, trying to take actions and do things based on instinct. And I suppose those instincts are guided by feelings that are perhaps fearful but joyful, risky but real, authentic. These feelings are sort of my best approximation at confidence and strength at this point. I'm recognising more and more that being queer can be a source of joy. Because it is part of my sexuality, something that can feel good and happy and fun. But it's a part of me I rarely celebrate, embrace, enjoy. So, at this point doing things that evoke raw, vulnerable feelings, even if they may cause some discomfort and apprehension, feels like the right move for me. When I imagine what it will be like to feel pride and joy at being queer at some point, I think it will include a sense of confidence in going for things that challenge me, but feel good and real. I'm going out again to gay bars tonight. Maybe again later this week too. Tonight it is likely not a very lively night, being Monday, but I've got a chance to do it so I think I will. I met up with my old friend today - if you haven't read my posts recently, he's a friend I just reconnected with and came out to. It was refreshing talking about being queer with him, in public, unabashedly, and without any discomfort. Who cares if someone knows? Meeting him today reminded me of some of my early experiences almost trying out being queer, the parties we went to together where I met girls I was interested in. We were so young. He was so comfortable in his gay identity and I was so, well, not comfortable. It evoked a lot of feelings for me today. I'm feeling alot of things right now. And I'm trying to cling to the exciting, happy, fun feelings to push myself forward a bit more. I think I can do this. I can do this, I can.
