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Pan or bi or just plain confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by romancejunkie, Feb 4, 2016.

  1. romancejunkie

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    Hi. I'm a 24 year old girl and I'm a little confused about my sexuality.

    About a year and half ago, I was in a relationship with a girl. We started out as really close friends before that (for 6 months). And when I was talking to a guy friend, I realized the way I feel about her might be as more than friends. It came as a shock to me, because although I knew I had strong feelings for her, I had never considered myself as anything but straight. But when I thought about it more, it didn't seem so crazy. And when I told her, she felt the same way. (I tend to say how I feel, and this was one of the only two times there's been a reciprocation.)

    It didn't feel weird at all. It felt.. natural. To flirt, to sext, to be all lovey dovey with her and even to be a little more physical than kissing. But at the same time, ours was a very turbulent relationship, and also very toxic. It took all of 6 weeks for it to start becoming that way, and it took me over a year to move on from her and from all that drama.

    But now that I've moved past her, I'm wondering if it was a one time thing, or if it means that I might not be 100% straight. I have been slightly attracted to girls in the past, and tend to enjoy lesbian porn more than the regular girl on guy stuff. (Although I've heard this is common for women, I feel like it might have another meaning behind it. At least I think so.)

    I started liking this guy after she and I broke up (a year ago). He didn't like me back (as per usual). But then 6 months later (last summer) he said he wanted to sleep with me -_- I of course said no, because I didn't want to do something that would make my feelings for him linger for any longer than they have. But I have never been that intimate with a guy, and I was confused, so somehow we ended up sexting. The reason I'm adding this is, although I was okay with it, it felt a little awkward. I think it was because I've never sexted a guy so I'm not sure how to turn them on (sorry if this is too much info). But I think a smaller but equally possible reason, is that it was just more comfortable with a girl. And that thought scares me a little.

    I've been trying to actively date lately, but am still a little apprehensive to actually meet girls. I guess a part of me is afraid. But I also want to experience being that intimate with a girl. Not to experiment, but because I know I liked it. I guess what might be stopping me is a part of me still has that fantasy of a perfect time having sex with a guy, and waiting for someone special. I know its old fashioned, and given all this info, probably unrealistic. But I'm really confused as to how to go about whats going through my head lately.

    My friends are all very supportive, but none of them are in this situation, or even anything similar. None of them are gay, or bi, etc. And none of them are questioning their sexuality. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm bi or pansexual. When I first thought about it, I was completely okay with it. But now the more thought I've given it, the more the idea of being anything but straight is really scary to me now..

    Just need some perspective and someone to talk to that can relate to this even a little.
     
  2. biisme

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    Hi there!

    First off, I'm sorry that your relationship with the girl you were dating ended up not working out.

    Second, I understand that trying to work through feelings about your sexuality can be scary and confusing. And, it's not just the thought of people's reactions, or "getting it wrong", but it's also hard to see what you imagined for your life changing in a big way. Just the thought that things might be very different than how you planned can be a little overwhelming.

    Sometimes it can be easier to take a step back and focus on what's going on right now, rather than worrying what might happen in the future. I tend to worry a lot, and it can really derail you, because it's very easy to imagine everything that could go wrong, but a lot of times, what you're worrying about doesn't even end up happening.

    My best advice would be to try dating the people you're drawn to, or attracted to, and let if they're a guy or a girl take the backseat. If you focus on the person, you'll find someone you want to be with. If you're straight, and you're attracted just to guys, that will be who you end up going out with. If you're bisexual, you might end up spending some time with some girls. And, not every date needs to lead to sex. I know you're talking about being with a girl, but there's no need to rush into something you're not ready for or not sure about.
     
  3. romancejunkie

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    Thanks for the supportive and understanding response :slight_smile:

    It is super scary to consider that what I saw my future as might be different.

    Then thing that bugs me the most to be honest, is that I have bad luck in this department as it is. Particularly with guys. And although I do want to take that risk, and date people (regardless of their gender) it scares me more to continuously date people and instead of being more clear on it, become more confused.

    I would definitely prefer taking my time before being that intimate with anyone (girl or boy). But I'm unsure of how to meet more people. Online dating irritates because everyone (well most people I've come across) are only interested in sex right off the bat. And in the city I live in, it's very hard to meet people because no one has the guts to approach you lol. It's a very "keep to yourself" type of city. Although different sexualities are common here.
     
  4. romancejunkie

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    Also, I think I accidentally left out an important word in part of the original post. When I said I imagined a perfect time with a guy, I meant a perfect first time. Since I'm technically still a virgin, in the commonly known form of the word.
     
  5. romancejunkie

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    Any other opinions would be much appreciated. I kinda don't have anyone else who can relate to talk to about this and it's confusing the hell out of me.
     
  6. Confusedmoose

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  7. romancejunkie

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  8. Confusedmoose

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  9. MossyCave

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    Hi! I don't really know how to advise you but I am in a similar position to you.

    To keep it short, I've never had a girlfriend, but I've dated guys and had one boyfriend. Despite this, feelings for girls felt more real, like I could actually really be with them, but things with guys feel kind of awkward.

    I've kinda come to the conclusion that I crush on men more often, but my feelings for women are deeper or more real even when they are rarer.

    In terms of your sexuality I would say to give it less thought, I used to think about it all the time, and even though I am still a bit confused, ever since I stopped over-analyzing things have gotten clearer. I'm also scared to meet girls, I feel like girls our age who are into girls are experienced in relationships and stuff. I dated a girl a month ago and it felt really awkward knowing she was out and proud, and I'm only out to some people and only have ex-boyfriends.
    I know you probably see this a lot, but labels aren't everything. Sure, I say I'm bisexual, but not one person here could dive inside my brain and feel what I feel and really understand how I am bisexual and the different feelings I feel, they're not easily defined at all.
     
  10. romancejunkie

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    This actually helped me a lot. I tend to over think things in general haha. So maybe thats what I need to stop doing. I actually went out with a guy last night and it was really nice. But he's leaving and nothing will come of it. I dont' know how deep my feelings for a guy can be because I've never been in a relationship with one. But I'd like to try. To understand it, and also because it's what I've fantasized with forever. But I also wouldn't mind the same with a girl, because I'm really confused as to what I want. It's not that I want a label, which I know is not important, it's more that I want to be able to understand what I want for myself. Because I feel like being indecisive will drive me nuts lol.
     
  11. romancejunkie

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