The future

So, I have a dilemma.

My bf and I have been seeing each other for over a year and a half now. He's met my kids and they think he's great. I've met his friends, but not his family. He's met my parents, friends and other relatives.

He and I stay regularly at each others places, and we are both out to most people we know.

He is not out to his parents however.

We had a conversation the other day about him potentially moving into a different apartment, possibly out of the city as he could afford a bigger place there.

I asked the question if he'd thought about us moving in together in the future which would mean we could afford somewhere we both wanted to live, as we'd be pooling resources.

His response was that he couldn't move in with me until he had come out to his parents and that this was a conversation that wasn't going to be happening any time soon. I felt a bit stung at that point and simply asked that he was honest with me whether or not he saw that prospect of us living together ever happening as if not, I'd really like him to tell me so I knew.

It was fine, but it has started me thinking again.

His parents aren't showing any signs of dying yet and from the conversation it makes me think the prospects of living together and building a life together are something that's contingent on his parents learning he is gay.

I am torn. I am opening up my life to him, letting him get to know my kids and yet, I have no real certainty that I am building the foundation for a life with him. He tells me he want's to be with me and sees us getting old together, but I'm concerned that he'll have his place, I'll have mine, and we'll just live these separate but joined lives.

I don't want that, and I'm getting to a stage in the relationship where I'd love to start planning for things in the future but I am now afraid to mention it in case I am accused of putting pressure on him or moving too fast. I don't want to move in with him tomorrow or even this year, but to know that it's something that he is looking at taking place in the next 18 months or so would give me confidence that he saw us as more than just a relationship of convenience (which I know it's not, but that's how it will feel like).

Sorry, I am tired today and I get anxious about stuff when I'm tired.

 

Hi Irish, not sure what you mean about my kids? They are both fairly young but very accepting of him and what he is to me. They both know I am gay and what my bf is to me. I'm just conscious that I am allowing a relationship to build up between the 3 of them and there's a part of me that worries for my kids if I were to allow myself to get more and more involved with someone who won't take our relationship onto the next level. He's a few years younger than me, but not much. No, I've met friends but no family.

 

Thanks Sienna. In my head I had set the time box at another year from now. I honestly don't think he is deliberately stringing me along - I think it's just a combination of fear and uncertainty at his parents reaction. We talked the other day and he has reassured me with what he's said. I still think that I keep the year in my head and see how things progress. We've had the talk, he knows what my fears are and he's told me I don't have anything to worry about and that he will act at the right time. I just need to trust him on that.

 

Interesting conversation the other week. He was looking at houses and flats online just out of curiosity I think and the discussion, prompted by him,went a bit like this:
BF - "that looks like an amazing place."
Me - "Yeah but it's however-many-hundred-thousand-pounds!"
BF - "Yeah, but we'd be able to afford it with both our wages."
Me - <smile> "yeah, I suppose we would wouldn't we"

I am so lucky. I really am

 

Keep the faith guys. Sometimes I lose sight of how lovely a guy he is and I let all sorts of insecurities bubble up. Having been hurt - and I look back now and wonder how I made it through that period - by 'Him' so badly, it's affected how I am with my bf. I never imagined I could be someone so insecure at times. I am truly lucky that I have someone like my bf to put up with my nonsense sometimes. But, then he's even luckier to have me I tell him...

 

So things came to a head this weekend. I found texts on his iPad he'd sent to a friend while I was looking for a site we had been on earlier last week. Basically questioning whether he was with the wrong guy and suggesting that I was looking for public declarations when he wasn't yet out to his parents.

I asked him later that day if he was happy. He said yes and I asked him again if he was really happy as I'd seen a difference in the way he interacted with me and with his friends. I asked him to just be honest with me. He told me that he could t give me what I wanted. That he couldn't share his life with me. That he was scared about coming out to his parents. And that he did t love me enough to do that.

So I guess that's it. We parted ways both upset. I don't know what to do next other than move on. He said he can't see a way around it. I'm feeling pretty crap today

 

Thanks guys. The last couple days have been really hard. A real mix of feelings. He told me that he just didn't love me enough to give up his independence and the fear of telling his parents to move us forward.

I sent him a message yesterday just to ask if we could talk. I told him I wasn't looking for marriage or moving in together just to be happy. He replied that he didn't know what to say and that his head was all over the place. He needed time to work out what he was thinking and feeling.

I've told him I'll be there, that I'll support him when he decides to tell his parents. I've told him to talk to people whose opinion he trusts. I told him I loved him.

I can't do anything else. If he says he can't do it then I need to accept it. I feel angry that I asked him as its destroyed everything. But the other part of me would rather know now than five years from now. I'm also angry he played me along letting me get deeper and introduce my kids to him and plan things for us. I know he loved having a boyfriend and going out with me as a couple. But I think he just wanted it to be like that forever and for us to lead separate living lives but come together. It just felt like he was reluctant to build the foundations of a relationship between us but happy for the outside to see us as a couple and to behave like a couple except not live together or share our lives.

I'll wait and see what he says. The longer he takes the more likely I'll come to my senses and move on myself.