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How Do You Stand Up to Someone Who Scares You?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Plattyrex, Dec 29, 2015.

  1. Plattyrex

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    Hi:slight_smile:. I would like some advice on how to stand up to a person who is bullying me at school. They are quite a bit bigger and stronger than me and extremely quick to violence. I go back to school next week and I'm dreading it because of this person. I need to know how to get them to stop without using violence or telling my parents.
     
    #1 Plattyrex, Dec 29, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2015
  2. bingostring

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    One of my techniques at school was to strike up a conversation with the bully about something we had in common. Sounds weird ... but I knew the bully's brother and the moment I asked about his brother he would back off and become almost human. You may not have the same sort of connection of course.

    Another thing you might be able to do is say ".. I have been told that if I am bullied again I must report it immediately to x, y z" ...
    the actual word "bully" has a lot of stigma attached to it and may wake them up to what they are doing

    Bullying really sucks and if you ARE being bullied you could do no wrong by talking to a teacher or your school counsellor - because it is completely unacceptable
     
  3. justin88

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    Is there a particular reason why you don't want to tell your parents?

    I second the idea of talking to a teacher, school counselor or even the principal. The bullying is absolutely not acceptable and it needs to stop ASAP.
     
  4. Plattyrex

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    I already had a lot of issues with this person beforehand. It was really bad to the pojnt where my mom had to pull me out of school and threaten legal action, and even then they weren't punished. She wanted me to switch school districts, but I convinced her not to make me. If she knew that the same person assaulted me multiple times on school grounds she would almost certainly make me switch schools.
     
  5. Open Arms

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    Look him straight in the eye. Keep eye contact. Glare if you have to.
    Do not look down. Do not look away. That's on your first day back.
    Stay around people.

    Second day back, same look. When he comes near you, take a step or two towards him and say very firmly. You're a bully. Anything he says, you say, You're a bully.

    Third day back, if he comes near, you look him in the eye and if anyone is near, you call him out, saying, You know who ----- is? He's a classic example of a bully. Tough outside, sad and sick inside bully. Poor ------. Ahhhhhh.... should we feel sorry for the poor baby?

    If you don't want to confront him like this, send him notes about bullies. Certainly, educate your friends about bullies and bullying.

    When someone scares me, I get mad and get right into their face. I will NOT be intimidated, and even if it means my death. This has saved me from being bullied and honestly later in life stopped a crime from happening on the streets and has even saved me from rape. It helped that I took a self-defense course which gave me loads of confidence.

    The best thing of course is to get the support of an authority figure. You are at an age where someone should have your back. You shouldn't have to fight this battle on your own!
     
    #5 Open Arms, Dec 30, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2015
  6. Invidia

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    What I did was to bring a soft air gun to school...

    Like people have said above - some way to stand up to him, or maybe even better, get help from authority figures - should hopefully do the trick.

    I'm really sorry he is treating you like this. :frowning2: You seem very nice and do not deserve that.
     
  7. Plattyrex

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    Thanks for all your advice. The truth is this was made more out of desperation than anything and I know I'm not going to get anything new out of it. I've already made like a million threads before this one on the same subject, but it's become abundantly clear that I'm not in control of this at all. I kinda just want to fake sick on Monday, but I'm on an attendance contract from when I got pulled out of school last time. It should be known that this is all coming from somebody who I used to be on pretty friendly terms with and is still kind of in my circle of friends, so her sudden change in temperament toward me exclusively a couple of months ago was awful, but I could at least seek help on the issue. Now I can't really talk to my mom, the school staff has clearly demonstrated that they don't care about this stuff at all, and my friends think it's funny for some bizarre reason. It all kind of puts me in a state of panick, but continually asking the s a me question is only going to get me so far. I can't fight back because I'm a pacifist, and even if I wasn't I'm not strong enough, I can't verbally object because that gets me attacked, and I can't tell an adult without my mom figuring out. I saw this person again today and she did not hit me or even initiate any sort of contact with me, although that's probably because it was at the mall with a million people around. I guess I'll just have to go back to school on Monday and hope it stops on it's own, but if not I'm going to tell my mom. I still have bruises all over my stomach from getting hit almost 2 weeks ago and I'm not going to put up with it anymore. I think a big part of why I keep turning back to asking for help online is because the community on this site is so wonderful I'm getting no sort of emotional comfort in my real life from this, and so I get it from here. Thank you all so much for your support, it really helps me through all of this.
     
    #7 Plattyrex, Dec 30, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2015
  8. Really

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    Hmm. Too bad you didn't know you were going to see her in the mall. This could have been an opportunity to talk to her off her "turf".

    Maybe ask her what she wants from you and ask her to leave you alone at school. I think when you take bullies out of their element, there's a chance they won't be the same as usual.

    I wonder if she enjoys the feeling of power she gets from "entertaining" your friends and classmates when she bullies you. In the mall, she won't have the same audience.

    Something to think about if you ever run across her alone again.
     
  9. Plattyrex

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    Yeah, in retrospect I kida wish I said something. At the very least nothing bad would appen out in the open like that.
     
  10. Stoccata

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    First off, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know how bad it can be first hand, especially from someone that you once thought was a friend. I will also add that if your current “friends” in any way think the situation is amusing, then they’re not your friends.

    I'm not sure how much help I can be here, but let me just say that I was bullied pretty severely from about 3rd grade to 9th grade. I was bullied both physically and verbally. Being a short, fat, wheezy, socially awkward, bisexual, unathletic nerd that had moved from a different state, I was always a pretty easy target.

    What I'm going to say next though, you're not going to like.

    You HAVE to do either one, or both of the following: 1.) defending yourself physically if need be, and/or 2.) getting the school and your family involved.

    NOBODY has the right to unjustly do ANY physical harm to you whatsoever. You have to do SOMETHING.

    PERSONALLY, I favor either the former, or both, as opposed to JUST getting the school and your family involved.

    Many people will disagree with me on that. Hell, I'll bet that MOST people will disagree with me.

    But my position is that if you're unwilling to either try to defend yourself or learn how, then not only can you not help yourself in future situations that may come up elsewhere, but you also may either be unable or unwilling to help other people who need assistance. If it's you facing harm and you don't defend yourself, I pity you, but that's your decision to make. But if someone else is being harmed and you don't defend them, or at least try to? Yeah, THAT I have a big problem with.

    Look, I get that you're a pacifist. For a while I was too. I'm not so much anymore. Well I shouldn’t say that, I'm a “pacifist” as in, if someone fucks with me I'll “pass a fist” through their face.

    There are three reasons that I'm no longer a pacifist. The first is that I got tired of being hit. The second is that sometimes I wasn't the only target, and I have some moral problems with standing by and watching shit happen. And the third is that I realized that using appropriate force to defend yourself or someone else is NOT violence. Violence is the illegitimate use of force. For example: A man who attempts to rape a woman, and a woman who shoots her would be rapist, are emphatically NOT committing two morally equivalent acts. One is violence, the other is justifiable defensive force.

    As for your bit about not being big or strong enough….as someone who's always been smaller than most of my peers, and up until relatively recently, usually weaker, I can tell you that size and strength don't matter nearly as much in these situations as you think they do. I know a girl that used to do fencing and boxing with me that I have 5 inches on, outweigh by 20 lbs, and who I'm significantly stronger than. And you know what? She could kick my ass into next week if she wanted to.

    As I've said, I’m also not a big guy myself. I'm 5’6” and 140 lbs soaking wet. Am I strong? For my size, sure I'm stronger than average but that's only a recent development. On the other hand, I've done boxing and martial arts for a number of years now, so I can handle myself if I need to. And yes, there have been a couple times where I've needed to, and in all of them my attacker(s) were bigger than me. But I've yet to meet a guy who didn't double over in pain from a kick to the groin, or someone whose eyes didn't water from a punch to the nose, or someone who didn't start gasping for air from a hit to the throat, etc. They may be bigger and stronger, but they're still only human.

    It's not about strength. It's about strategy, tactics, skill, and most importantly, having the superior will during the conflict.


    All that being said, ALWAYS avoid using force IF POSSIBLE. Aside from the fact that you risk injury every time you get into a physical confrontation, you could get in serious trouble from the school and the bully's family for fighting, even if it was self defense. I've been there before too (although, it was definitely better than ending up with another bloody nose and black eyes).


    One of my martial arts instructors said this to me once: “If you can walk away from the situation, walk away. If you have to run, then run. But make sure that you have somewhere to run to, and that you're not leaving behind someone who can't run with you.”

    So yeah, that's just my perspective. I tried being a pacifist, I tried to be friends with my bullies, I tried getting the school involved, I tried getting my parents to pressure the school into helping me, it didn't get any better when I went up in grade levels to different schools. In fact, some of that stuff only made my problem worse. The only thing that ever worked for me was fighting back. Scratch any bully and just below the surface you will find a coward. And because they're cowards they only bully people who are unable or unwilling to defend themselves, the people who are easy targets. The moment you fight back you are no longer an easy target.


    At the very least try to make new friends with people that will help you and take the situation seriously.


    To everyone else reading this thread, if you disagree with any of what I’ve said, I understand. I know that the idea of fighting back when physically bullied is sometimes controversial. Maybe you think that there are better alternatives, or maybe you’ve personally had a different experience than me, whatever. All I can do is give advice based on what worked for ME.
     
    #10 Stoccata, Dec 31, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2015
  11. Billy the kid

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    That sucks, I have been there,here you are on your winter break and you are thinking about what you have to face come Monday. The fact is she is going nowhere in life, when you are older you will hear about her failures. I know it is hard but try not to focus on her, don't let this effect your grades. It effected my grades when I was bullied, that's why I emphasize that.

    Dealing with her is the issue though, that is the tough part? So the counselor's aren't any help. Are there any cool teachers that you could go to? Is there a peer mediation group in school? Or an anti bully type group? There is usually a teacher that heads up those types of groups, can you try and make contact with them? Can you try and video record a bad encounter with her to show a counselor? How about changing your class schedule so you don't have as many interactions with her? There are sometimes lunch groups that meet somewhere else for lunch?

    Lastly, you might try confronting her directly. Try and get her alone and ask her why she is doing that to you and could she please stop. Whatever you do just know that things will eventually get better. Try to endure it as much as you can, try to focus on other things, new hobbies, music etc. you will be okay. We are always here so that you can vent, I hope you can take something from my suggestions. Good Luck.
     
  12. Stoccata

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    Hey Plattyrex.

    So, I actually just read through one of your other threads...

    Your situation is really bad. I've been bullied and even had similar stuff done to me, I've never had someone obsessed with it like this crazy bitch is.

    You need to get your mom involved in this again, and go forward with legal action. I don't want to sound harsh, but you really need to put things in perspective. Your safety is much, much more important than staying in the same school with your so called "friends."

    If she ever attacks you in school again, I want you to hit her right in the nose as hard as you can (hitting someone in the nose causes their eyes to water, making it difficult to see) and then RUN to a teacher or to the principal's office. Tell them what happened and call your mom.


    Additionally, you should take pictures of any injuries you have, and document when and how you got them. Now, I don't know exactly what the laws are like where you live, but where I live what she did would qualify as third degree assault. You should be pressing charges. If you have photographic evidence as well as a history with her and the school already, you have a decent chance with this. The only thing that may cause problems is that your attacker is a girl.

    Anyway, best of luck to you, and again, PLEASE consider having charges pressed. What she is doing to you is criminal assault. It's not something to be taken lightly.
     
  13. Plattyrex

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    I just thought I'd let everyone know that things are going a bit better. I have been back to school for 3 days now and haven't been hit once. Thank you guys for the help anyway, it was very sweet and comforting.
     
  14. Naxams

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    I might be late to the party but as you might have read at my school its pretty bad so i I've seen more bullys this year than my entire life time so what I uslly do is to be a smart ass/ be reasonable with them so if they are picking on me or anything say like they say "what are those!!" And I would say right back to them "what are those." Or if they say somthing about like I wear like I have this folder attached to a purse strap and it gose to my waist, while on my shoulder. They would say something about it being wrong/ weird about it because it "looks" like a purse and I would say "even if it was a purse what would be wrong about it" and they would usually say something like "purses are for girls" and I would say something like "no they are not, anyone can wear them they are just advertised for females" then I go into depth about everything related to the topic so I can make them understand what I do. So yeah this I just how I deal with them BTW I'm glad that your bully is laying off you hope it stays that way. :thumbsup:
     
    #14 Naxams, Jan 6, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2016
  15. bingostring

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    this is excellent!! :thumbsup::thumbsup:
     
  16. Stoccata

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    Glad to hear. Keep your head up.

    And please get someone else involved if it ever happens again. We're all worried about you.
     
  17. Open Arms

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    Oh, it's a girl you're dealing with. I missed that. All the same... use steady eye contact, do not look down, move towards and not away from the person who is mocking you unless she has a weapon. Do not react emotionally. If she becomes physically aggressive, don't take it. You can wrap your arms around her and be a dead weight on her or grab a fistful of her sweater or blouse directly under her neck, twist and pull up swiftly.

    If you are ever in danger of being harmed, draw back the palm of your hand, the bottom part just above your wrist, and extend your arm, smashing the heel of your palm into the bottom of her nose... up and through. You can practice this motion. Do this only if you must to protect yourself.

    If nothing is happening, that's good. Develop a strong, confident stride. Don't tippy-toe around her or avoid passing her in the hall. Stand up tall whenever you are around her.

    You can do this! You are stronger than you think, and you deserve kindness and respect.
     
  18. Stoccata

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    This is good advice.


    I'll also add that school halways are probably the best place to develop a confident stride. Practice walking with your head up rather than looking down, and try to keep your shoulders back and chest out. And look at people in the eye.

    You ever have that moment when you walking and someone else comes from the opposite direction, and you both end up shuffling back and forth because you both try to move out of each other's way? That never happens to me any more. If you're walking confidently and you look people in the eye, 99% of the time they will move out of your way. The cue that they're going to move out of the way is that right before they do they will break eye contact and look to the ground or to the side.

    This is fun to practice, will give you more confidence, and make you appear to be a more difficult target.

    This is something that often gets taught in martial arts and self defense classes.
     
  19. Plattyrex

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    I got hit in the face again today. I'm so upset with everything at school right now, I don't want to ever go back. I hate it.
     
  20. Stoccata

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    Do you have any visible marks? If so, take a picture.

    Tell your principal and your parents. If your principal doesn't do anything, file a lawsuit. See this case: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nabozny_v._Podlesny

    I'm still a big fan of knocking bullies on their asses, but if you're not going to do that, you at least need to do SOMETHING. You not doing anything is telling your bully that they can do whatever they want to you. It will only get worse if you don't fight back somehow, legally or otherwise.