I'm a 29 year old Gay Male. Most of my long-time friends are Straight Total "Bro" (Beer-drinking, lifting weights, watching sports) type of dudes. I've honestly only recently started to have closer gay male friends. It has helped me a lot connecting with these friends (and seeing that gay dudes can also be 'Beer-drinking, weight-lifting, watching sports' type of dudes). They can also be 'Beyoncé-loving, sassy, well-dressed' type of dudes...or any types of dudes (as long as they are into other dudes). I recently started Coming Out after denying it for so long. I used to think I would never come out and I would live my life in a heterosexual relationship or a variety of them (and tried doing that for years). A few months ago I finally blurted out the words "I'm Gay". I wasn't planning on it, I had never said that before, but I was giving mixed signals to a woman who has always had feelings for me and realized it was completely unfair of me to lead her on any further. After saying it out loud, it was like a switch flipped. Something I was so ashamed of was so easy to say...and I instantly told my parents, and many close friends and family. I plan on being openly gay (not discreet or partially out...I spent a long enough time in the closet), but I now feel a new kind of shame. I was wondering if anyone else who has come out later in life (Past 25, I guess), can relate. Essentially, I feel "ashamed" that I ever felt "ashamed". I went my whole life feeling "weird" for being gay, and as soon as I spoke the words out loud- I now feel weird for waiting so long to come out. Oddly enough, the hardest people for me to tell are my gay friends. I feel guilty for telling people... "Yep, just kidding, I'm gay," after having identified as straight. To me, it seems like I'm saying..."I felt ashamed to be identified as gay". I feel guilty for taking advantage of all the societal privileges I've received as being a straight male, while others have been true to themselves and openly faced discrimination. For me it was never really confusion, so it's not a new 'revelation' (I have only had relationships with women, but all confusion was pretty much gone by the time I was 21). So I've always really known I was gay, but it took me a long time to get over my own internalized homophobia. I have so much respect for people who were able to come out in their teens and can be so open about it. Has anyone else had experiences coming out to others within the LGBTQ Community? It's easy to tell people you are just meeting, but I feel like such a a**hole telling gay friends I already now.
Welcome to the site! Personally, I think the LGBT community is pretty open-minded about *most* things. And that includes what path it took you to realize that you are not straight. Sure there are some jerks who might give you shit...those exist in *every* community. But for the most part, I don't think you'll have trouble. Many come out much later than 29! You are barely late to the party.
Some gay guys - like some straight guys - don't like inexperience. Most I've found are cool with it. Like you, I only came out later (basically repressed my sexuality for about a decade) and only started dating guys & telling friends & family a few years ago. If you're able, totally out is for the best and will do wonders for your mental health. It gets to really bog you down trying to remember who you've told, who you haven't. "With aunt Jean, you're my friend. With just my parents, you're my boyfriend...."
Hmm those 'Beyoncé-loving, sassy, well-dressed' types sound appealing... Hi Mickey, I'm 46 (yes time does eventually catch up with one, the horror of it), and only 'allowed' myself to like guys recently, about a year and a half ago. It's a pretty intense journey, this journey to self-acceptance. I keep 'testing' myself to see if this is all true. Sometimes I think this must all be an illusion and I will find some girl and realize I was really (totally) straight all along, and just hadn't found the right girl yet. Not haveing had a bf as yet, who knows. Can't prove it either way, cos where the hell am I going to find a compatible guy anyway? I live in a conservative suburb. I might get old and die without ever having experienced gay love / sex etc (but I certainly hope not). You are still young relative to myself; from my perspective, you have much more of a chance of getting somewhere with guys, than myself. I don't know what the lgbt community (assuming that it really is a 'community') thinks of us late comers, but I intuit that if you meet a guy and there is chemistry between you and him, it won't matter to him that you have come out late (although as I said, I don't see you as being 'late'). He might even actually like the fact that you will be discovering it all, and that he will be your 'first'. I wish you luck, and welcome to the site, by the way
I would say the majority of people within the LGBTQ community will understand and offer support, even those, like me who have been out for many years. We understand all of the push/pull factors that contribute to denial and keep another person in the closet, and overwhelmingly we are very empathic. Sure, you may encounter the odd prick who will say something negative, but that's not a reflection on the community, only on that individual. Most of us have been through the struggle of facing our fears and coming out and you are no less of a person for waiting until you are 29. Personally, I don't care if someone waits until they are 79 to come out. If that's how long it takes, so be it. I'll still give them a huge hug and warm welcome when they do and I don't think I'm unique in that respect.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. Most of us understand the pressure society and families can put on people and it can be a difficult journey. Leave the shame behind and move forward in a happy, authentic life. (*hug*)
I can totally relate to you experience(s). I has taken me a while to come to terms with being gay. I tried so hard to convince myself I was straight, especially when I was around my mates. I too recently made friends with another gay man. He is helping me realise that I am normal and my sexual preferences don't impact on me as a person. I am still not out, but I plan to be soon. It is a matter of building up the courage. What scares me is how people will respond, especially my ex-girlfriends. I don't know if I am ready to experience their responses (I can imagine they will be hurt). I just hope that people like me less for lying to them for so long. I have digressed. I waned to respond because I found meaning I your post. I enjoyed reading it as I made me feel like I want alone.
Thanks guys! Great to hear everyone's perspective. Damien- I was in the same boat, thinking maybe the "right girl" would snap me out of it. I sort of found her: a girl I just really clicked with, she's also gorgeous, and I loved everything about her--but I was still gay, so that was kind of the final straw for me. I realized "if I can't be with her and be satisfied, there's really no other j13-yeah, I had/have a lot of the same fears as you. I didn't want to lose my friendships, or make them awkward. So far I haven't had any 'negative' responses to coming out. I am pretty lucky. Most people just don't believe me at first and think I'm joking. I was worried about feeling like a liar too. Especially with my close friends and brothers. For me, everyone has been amazingly supportive and, although they are surprised, they understand why it was a struggle. I told one ex-girlfriend. She was shocked, but cool. One big thing that helped me shift my perspective. I was so worried about making my relationships awkward, but in hindsight it seems silly. I allowed my own life to be super-awkward so I could have the kind of friendships and social identity I wanted. The former is much more important, and the latter has actually become much stronger and made me happier. Just have one of my brothers and my sister left to tell...
This was the biggest thing for me I play hockey. Run a league in fact. Then I realized I had gayguys in my league. Not a beer person but nothing better than Jack and Ginger with the guys after hockey. Just wouldn't mind having it with Jack. Congrats on coming out. I did it at 51. You have plenty of time. Enjoy.
First, I'd like to say it's not so much about a community response but the response of individuals. It will vary but, in 2015, I wouldn't expect much push back. You seem to be concerned about your age. I'd say that, even though the age for coming out, since that's the common term, has steadily come down, all in all, you're probably even a little earlier than average. Two decades ago, you would have been quite a bit early. If someone has some kind of issue with your coming out, partially coming out, or not coming out, they're probably a jerk and you're better off forgetting about them and what they think of you. It's on your schedule.
When I first started telling people close to me that I was gay (at age 39) it was for sure the scariest for me to tell friends who are gay--for basically the same reasons you describe (though I really did not understand that I was gay until I was 39--I still felt really bad about being so uncomfortable with my gayness that I wouldn't even allow myself to see it). Anyway, my long time gay friends have been super supportive. As others have pointed out, most gay people understand the silent constant pressure to not be gay better than most.
I, too, have wondered this as well. I am 47. I was married to the love of my life. But life happens, and she did not want to continue the marriage relationship. So I decided, to finally, and resolutely discover what my sexuality really is. I have always had some inkling of my orientation. I had some experiences sprinkled through out high school and college. There were other hints, in retrospect, that perhaps I should have paid a bit more attention to... I was not actively trying to hide who I was, because I did not really know who I was. What i did know is that I always wanted certain things out of life. A wife, a family and happiness; mostly because of my upbringing. It certainly was not the worst, but it was far, far from the best. So here I am about to turn 48, a lot of my life is in the dumps. But I am strangely excited as well. I am not out yet. And I wonder if I'll be treated the same and that people will be comfortable with me. I know my friends will accept me when I tell them... But I never want them to pause or hold their as if they should or should not say something around me since my orientation has changed... Well, not changed but discovered.
You're not late...not sure where this comes from. What, should we come out at 4? 9? Seriously, all I care about is meeting great guys who are interested in me. And that has not been an issue even at my way, way late age.
I little off topic but you've got to get your name out there on the web (conservative/respectful) so others can find you. It's near impossible with "advertising". ---------- Post added 9th Aug 2015 at 08:10 PM ---------- I think that is a normal reaction. Don't know what to do about it yet. I think those feelings will pass as soon as you become more happy. Finding a boy friend would be a big plus.
What a story. It could play out this way for so many and it has. The ones that really grab one's attention is when people were, as you say, "married to the loves of their lives." Thanks for how productive this comes across.
I was not actively trying to hide who I was, because I did not really know who I was. What i did know is that I always wanted certain things out of life. A wife, a family and happiness; mostly because of my upbringing. It certainly was not the worst, but it was far, far from the best. Gee, this story sounds somewhat familiar. Where have I heard or lived this before?