Thoughts On Polyamory

Re: Thoughts On Polygamy

I don't mind what people do as it is their life, not mine. Such relationships have to be honest instead of sneaking about.

 

Re: Thoughts On Polygamy

Sounds like you think polyamory is about sleeping around and avoiding commitment. What if it's something deeper and more meaningful than that? I'll admit it's probably extremely rare to have 3 or more people with a strong romantic connection, and desire to share their lives with each other, but I see no reason why its impossible or wrong to do so. Choosing between two people you strongly care for makes no sense to me in that situation either... especially if its mutual between all sides

My ideal vision of polyamory really is a beautiful thing I'd love to have for myself.. I just think there's next to no chance of actually finding it lol

 

Re: Thoughts On Polygamy

My husband & I are poly(amorous). We're best friends, both bi & have been together 18 years. We've been poly about half that time. This is our version. We're not swingers, we don't have threesomes & at least for me, no hookups. As long as we're open & honest with each other & everything is safe & consensual, he's welcome to be with men, however he chooses & I have lady loves. For me it's less about the sexual & more about how I connect intellectually & emotionally with her. I focus on friendship, affectionate & romance. Due to health & other life changing events for us both, it's not something we've utilized often.

 

Re: Thoughts On Polygamy

1. Changed title of thread.

2. I see no problem with people who have a consensual polyamorous relationship.

It seems to me that you're confusing polyamory and an open relationship. The two are not interchangable. An open relationship is a relationship where those involved are free to sleep with whomever they please. Polyamory is a committed relationship between more than two people. People who partake in polyamory are not sleeping with random strangers.

 

I don't see any problem with it as long as all parties involved find it meets their needs and uplifts them/makes them happy.

I've never been in such a relationship or done a threesome (or moresome), although I've had friends and housemates who did. I was in a relationship for a year or so with a guy who wanted us to try a threesome, but I wasn't confident enough at the time to go for it (and he never pushed the issue). I'm vastly more self-confident these and would have no real problem with it now (although I think I'd prefer a an even number of playmates, so a foursome or sixsome would be more my thing), but my husband and I are happily monogamous.

Moving beyond the issue of just sex, I don't find it impossible to conceive of multiple party committed relationships of one form or another. Some types I could imagine myself being into, others would probably not be my cup of tea. But ultimately, trying to ascribe 'right' or 'wrong' to such things (assuming consenting and age appropriate parties all around) is really just trying to put moral weight on what comes down to a matter of personal taste.

Todd

 

Re: Thoughts On Polygamy

I am only in support of 2 people maintaining a committed relationship. I know I am showing my age. That's about the only sort of intimate situation I'd be comfortable with on an ongoing basis. What starts as FWB and stays as FWB is ok with me, but that's not a relationship. That's just a way to sleep easier some nights. I know that's not for everybody, but I feel it's honest because it doesn't pretend to be any more than it is.

 

Do it if you want to, but I won't, because it is wrong.

 

Re: Thoughts On Polygamy

You're free to have your opinion that relationships should be between two people. However, the thing that stands out to me about your reply is the very last sentence. It is making the implication that a polyamorous relationship is pretending to be something that it is not. I would say that it is never safe to make assumptions about the emotions and relations of other people. For some, a polyamorous relationship is not pretending to be anything, it is actually a true committed relationship based in love.

 

Re: Thoughts On Polygamy

I always appreciate your honest posts.

 

I'm not against it, and if people are happy with that kind of relationship, then good for them.

I personally wouldn't. I want to just be with the one person, I don't want to have to share and I want it to be special between me and one person. I'd have jealously issues I think too, plus buying more than one lover birthday and christmas gifts? No thanks!

 

I'm not going to tell other people how their relationships should work. It's none of my business. But you're never going to see me in a polyamorous one. Monamorous is hard enough, yeesh.

 

Taly, bless you, dear, for requesting the title-change! And Jonathan...I could kiss you both for effecting the change, and for your words of clarification on this topic.

I find the bold statements above pointlessly contradictory and ill-considered. But hey, no judgment.

But to address the non-bolded part and the OP. I once felt exactly as loveislove does now. I entered into a monogamous relationship 29 years ago with a woman I absolutely love. In fact, I swallowed whole the myth that you can only truly love one person at a time to such an extent that I broke up with another woman I loved (call her Y). See, I thought that since it was clear that I loved my current partner, I must not love Y. Perfect demonstration of youthful wisdom, conviction, and logic.

But love isn't logical, and it won't be tamed. Many years later, I realized that I am simply prone to falling in love with people. Nobody was more shocked than I to find this...I didn't think that could happen. But it did...it had...and it has and continues to. I have discussed this with my partner...many times. She understands, although she doesn't share the experience...she even says that she admires my ability to get close to and share love with people so easily. She has no problem with me being in love with others. So in that sense, I am in a polyamorous relationship already. I have no idea where it'll go...so far, we maintain sexual fidelity...but love seems to carry with it the desire to have itself expressed physically. But even with my partner's permission to love, I feel guilt for love, guilt for sexual desire, and judgment from society.

Tightrope, it isn't a matter of reading the menu on a diet, or having roving eyes. I don't set out to tempt myself. Typically, I'm head over heels before I even realize there's danger present. Nor is it a matter of pretending a relationship is more or less than it is...that, in fact, is precisely what I am attempting to avoid: calling something a friendship, when it is really romantic love.

But perhaps it would help to shift the story away from myself.

I have a close friend who has a *very* polyamorous nature. It was painful for her to be monogamous. But she fell absolutely crazily in love with a woman who was just like loveislove, super-monogamous. She wasn't even ok with my friend *loving* someone else. Now I have no trouble understanding why people want to demand sexual monogamy...but I really don't understand *how* anyone can expect a person not to have emotions...expect them not to feel love when they feel love. But this was my friend's partner's expectation. If my friend *truly* loved her, then she would not need to love any other, she was told. And because my friend couldn't bear the thought of life without this person, she tried...she really did. I watched, both up close and from a distance as she tortured herself for years, trying to maintain her promise to remain emotionally and sexually monogamous to her partner. And then something unthinkable happened. Her *partner*, the super ultramonogamist fell hopelessly in love with another woman! Hmmm, funny, she didn't try for it either. It just happened. And now they are in a happily open relationship. Beautiful example of the myth of monogamy and the resulting hypocrisies.

If you have problems with jealousy and possessiveness, then it is absolutely advisable that you attempt monogamy. And as communication, particularly around emotions and needs, is the cornerstone of a successful polyamorous relationship, if you aren't a good communicator or if you find talking about emotions difficult, onerous, or merely boring, you probably should avoid polyamory for as long as you can.

Love I can handle...but the thought of being somebody else's *possession* is abhorrent to me. I belong to me, and I don't need a relationship with anyone who feels differently. Just like when I was little, I prefer to play with people who know how to share.

 

Their lives they can do what they want

 

It's definitely not gonna work for me. I can't emotionally and financially commit to multiple people.

However, I do support folks who are willing to enter such relationships with informed consent.

 

Honestly, I think monogamy is kind of boring (for me at least). I can see myself in a polyamorous relationship, or just w one person. But really I don't care about anyone's relationships other than my own.

 

Re: Thoughts On Polygamy

Well, in that case then, I suppose I would not be opposed to polyamory. If all 3+ people enjoy each other and want to maintain such a relationship, more power to them. It sounds like it would be very difficult to maintain, as monogamous relationships are already unstable enough, but that is their business.

My main concern with polyamory and open relationships is inequality between the partners. At least as the term is being used here, polyamory sounds like all the people involved are free to sleep with each other as they please and are on equal footing. A polygamist relationship, on the other hand, places the female wives as subordinate to the one man. That I have a problem with.

 

The hypocrisies of individuals. I'm sure there are many 'beautiful' example of the myth of polyamory/polygamy. But that's not the point I want to discuss.

A very wise advice...for any type of relationship. I don't think it's your intention, but that paragraph does have an unfortunate implication that monogamous people are jealous, insecure, controlling, terrible at communication. Yes, people do experience feelings for others outside of their relationship every now and then. But that doesn't mean they will jump into an open relationship. Two individuals can satisfy each other's emotional/physical needs (ofc I'm talking about an ideal case)

This is like sexual fluidity and sexual rigidity. Both exist. I get your point that changes can happen, and that's natural. For me, I will remain a hardcore monogamist. In the end, we should do what is natural for us. One can't just force themselves to be mono or poly.

Anyone's tired of the phrase "to each their own"?

 

Re: Thoughts On Polygamy

I was only referring to FWB. They are much more simplistic. There's not much to analyze and scrutinize, so they're honest in that regard.

I was somewhat aware of polyamorous relationships. I think that they might have more negotiating between the parties to set ground rules. I'm sure the landscape of each of them looks different. Also, since poly means many, could it involve 3, 4, or 5 participants? At what point does it become unwieldy? What is their success rate over 2 years, 5 years, 10 years? They raise too many questions for my taste.

The honesty I was getting at with the FWB is that it's a fairly simple situation between two people with more of an attachment as friends and with less emotional strings. They can end with people sort of fading out. And they can end with the feelings of friendship remaining.

That can also happen with a polyamorous situation, but the amorous part points to feelings being invested. When this is involved, the exit is always tougher.

If people want to be in one, that's fine. It just wouldn't work for me.

---------- Post added 30th Jun 2015 at 12:11 AM ----------

The experience is a lot more physical for me. I experience friendship and fondness much more easily than I experience romantic love. Shallow as it might be, I'm usually drawn to someone's physicality before I'm head over heels emotionally. What I find is that, after a longer period of sexual intimacy, I learn whether I like the person and have things in common with them ... and they have the opportunity to decide the same about me. If there's anything I don't like, it's hurt feelings upon uncoupling ... in either direction. Also, since I so rarely experience romantic love to begin with, I would find it really harder and highly unlikely to push into territory where I'd be in love with yet an additional person. I hope that makes some sense.