I don't know if I can handle the pain she'll go through

wish my mom was like you. my mom could just go with it but since life is not perfect I have to deal with it. I am up set that stuff have to go this way. that is why I don't want to go back to living with my mom even though she allow me to wear boy clothes. I don't know how she would react if I told her that I was trans, because she think that the only reason that I use to dress like a boy is because it was just some kind a silly child hood phases that I was going through at that time. I'D probably change when I got older she still want me too get marry and have kids. we talk about it over the phone a lot I try to come out about it but ever time I do I'm always got caught off guard and I always change the subject. I feel like the only way I'D ever be happy if I had a 100 percent sex change not just breast surgery removal or just the bottom surgery I the whole thing.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that your son is doing the operation for relief of dysphoria. This is not an operation that is forced on him and as such the recovery should be much easier than you imagine. She will be most likely happy and content after the operation because it is over and she will feel as if a huge weight has lifted.

You have known for two years now and you are clearly avoiding calling him your son. This might be one of the reasons why he feels uncomfortable coming home to have the operation beside you. You might be causing him a huge amount of emotional pain when you refer to him by his birth name or as female and you should keep that in mind when talking to him. On the other hand, if you do refer to him as your son and use his chosen name it would help him cope with the dysphoria and gives him the strength to move forward. As someone who is just at the start of the journey, the thought that one of my family will ever use my chosen name is dream like. I know that if it would happen then I would feel as if I could cope with anything.

I know how hard it is, I've had some of the most harrowing conversations in my life with my mother since coming out and I can see how hard it is for her every time we talk. She feels as if she is losing her son and she is, like you, afraid of me mutilating my body. She still hopes that I will change my mind and that I will go down a different path. Truthfully, I would without hesitation do so, if I believed for a second that I had a chance to live a happy and full life. This will never happen, I'm older than your son and dysphoria just becomes worse every year that passes. It continually to eat at you, you can't leave the house without a feeling of stressful sickness surging through your body. This is not something that you can just let go. It's your mind attacking your body and making you numb and disconnected as your body is rejected. You are not losing your child, instead you are seeing him blossom into the person that he was meant to be... think of him in a cocoon and he needs to fight himself out of it in order for him to blossom into a beautiful butterfly.

I'm a cancer survivor and over the years this has been much more devastating for me. If your child had breast cancer, you would accept the fact that the breasts need to be removed. You have to look at this in the same way, there is no choice here as the alternative is much worse, an empty and painful life.

I'm glad that you love your child and want to be there for him, hopefully my words helped you in some way, feel free to express your misgivings with anything that I said as it might help you come to terms with the situation and it is better that you express here your fears and anger than you do so when you talk to your son who might not be in a situation to handle it.

(*hug*)

Yael

 

About using the proper pronouns. As I mentioned, this is not a small thing and should not be considered to be one. I understand why you are struggling with using the proper pronoun but it's also important to understand that using 'she' instead of 'he' can be extremely hurtful to your son because it increases his body dysphoria and his mind reacts accordingly. I'm glad that you are using his chosen name and I'm sure your son really appreciates it. I have no doubt about it that your son loves you as you love him and I can understand why you would find it incomprehensible that something as small as using a pronoun can potentially lead to the creation of a distance between the two of you. However, the pronoun can mean everything as it can symbolize complete acceptance on your part or alternatively, rejection.

Just to be clear, if your son has never complained or acted insulted when you used the wrong pronoun it might not be as big a deal as I make it out to be. However, I do know that there is a large amount of importance in using the correct pronouns for most of us and as such you should probably take that into consideration.

I can just imagine how hard it can be for you to cope with the fears and guilt inherent in your child's transition and there is undoubtedly an element of traumatic loss in the changes that your child is going through. Trying to avoid the sense of loss will do you more harm than good in this case as the only way to really do avoid coping is to repress the thought which creates a need for you to avoid talking to your son about his transition for risk of unlocking the painful thought. Coping with the loss is best done through therapy and I would suggest for you to go to one for a few sessions just to help yourself come to terms with the situation better. However, it is likewise helful to share it with others through writing and as such what you are doing here should also help you cope with it if you feel comfortable enough to open up completely.

However, I feel that it's for you to accept the fact that you aren't really losing your daughter, your child still has all the memories and shared experiences and so do you. This is the glue that ties you together and is at the heart of your connection. It can help to think of transitioning as a long journey, full of trials and experiences, as the journey moves forward your child grows as a person, opens up to the world and becomes stronger and learns to love his body. The person that returns from the journey has changed as a result of these experiences both physically and mentally and as such is different from the child that you remember. However, deep down he is still the same person that you loved and cared for. Your daughter has grown into your son and is now ready to cope with anything that the world will throw at him. Your concerns are natural but these concerns would be there even if your child remained a girl, transitioning will most likely make it easier for him in the long run because of the confidence and peace that he will find as a result.

Thank you for your kind words,

(*hug*)

Yael

 

I can't say anything much that Chip and Yaeli haven't already.

But just try to imagine for 10 seconds what it would be like, feeling uncomfortable showering, peeing, putting on and taking off clothes, hearing your name, seeing the sex characteristics of your face in the mirror, buying things in the store, people looking at you etc. etc. etc.

It is incredibly hard for him. He likely tries to hide his agony.

You might also have seen the exceptions online, the extreme cases having gone band.

You might ask yourself, like my mentor in my last class said: "Is it more important to add years to your life or life to your years?" Also, I don't know much about female-to-male transition, but I doubt it is as risky as your seeming impression of it. THere are risks, yes. But are they worth it if it means you're child will be able to escape the grey existence he's likely currently inhabiting? I would say probably yes.
Also, you might want to weigh your fears versus his happiness, because now they seem to be opposed.

With your support, the support of loved ones, and transition, he will at least have a chance to be happy. He likely won't otherwise.

 

I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable and hurt, it's a sensitive subject and it can be hard to find the right words . It can take time to find a psychologist that understands you and connects to you at the level needed to cope with grief. In general, psychologists that act as if they know what's best for you can be problematic. That's probably one of the reasons why you responded badly to my post... going to a psychologist is about trying to come to terms with your own story and helping you understand it better. This is something very personal and the psychologist should just be there to guide you through the experience. He or she is not there to diagnose you or tell you what to think. I know how hard it can be to trust another therapist after such an experience as I've been there myself.

Please don't feel that anyone here is judging you, you were extremely brave to come bere and share your story and you didn't make a mistake in doing so. There is nothing wrong in crying, venting and expressing grief about the situation that you find yourself in.

I hope you feel better soon,

(*hug*)

Yael

 

You're going through a process that many people go through when a loved one comes out.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Not necessarily in that order. Feeling those emotions is completely normal and you're not alone. Some people take days, months, years to work through those emotions. The only thing you can do is give yourself time to work through and feel. It's the same thing us LGBT folks go through when we come out to ourselves. You child has had a lot longer to come to terms than you have, so you need to slow yourself down (which I know can be hard gifen J's desire to transition medically.)

I encourage you again to look into PFLAG. The people there have been through exactly what you're going through. They likely can also recommend a reasonable and good therapist that will guide you.

Hang in there; we're here for you. And it wouldn't hurt to go do something nice for yourself (take yourself out to dinner, go for a walk, go to a movie). It could help and you deserve it to help cope. Keep posting here, I think you'll find people here are very understanding.

 

Looking back, despite everything I went through, I wouldn't change the past. I look forward to a future in which I will feel whole but the past has come and gone. Every year, I learned more about life and learned to cope better. Our experiences make us who we are and your son would not be the same person that he is if he had not gone through the trials that he faced. I believe that when a person goes through hardships it helps them see the world more clearly and appreciate happier times. Don't lament the past, look forward to the future, a future that will hopefully be free of pain, a future in which your son will feel connected to his body in a way that few people are and be happy with who he is.

(&&&)

 

It may not be bipolar disorder, but many mental health issues have different ways of presenting itself. It's quite possible that J only has flare-ups rarely or they don't manifest as violently as others. I would wait for the professional to go a bit more into detail so you and your son (was about to say daughter, pronouns are tough to get used to...) understand what is going on and what form of bipolar disorder it is, if it's even that. It's possible that his emotional state is tied to his transitioning state but it probably isn't solely tied to it. Try not to overthink until you know more ma'am...it's tough but having a stable mind makes it easier for you and those around you coping with these changes.

 

Honestly, it is most likely even more painful for him to have to have to hear his own mother not try to understand his decision. He is under so much stress already from not passing, and he will be helped infinitely by the surgery he wishes for. It will help him be more comfortable in his own body. He needs you right now, think about what he wants. I know you want to help him, so please, be by his side and be there no matter what happens. That is how you can help the most, just by being with him.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that at the early stages of transitioning it's common to go through extreme mood swings as the dysphoria increases substantially during that period and there is also a sense of euphoria and increased productivity when you do something towards transitioning. These mood swings can easily be misdiagnosed as bi-polar disorder by a psychiatrist who is unaware of how these early stages feel.