coming out to wife of 23 yrs.

Headshaver, welcome aboard. I was married 25 years and came out little over a year ago with 3 kids 11, 18, and 21. I've effectively been "ruined" financially, but the price is small when given the alternative, which is living a lie now that you've faced up to the fact you're attracted to men. Talk with your wife before heading to the lawyer's office. You may find mediation a better way to handle things if you can "play" nice and much less adversarial and expensive. You will manage. I'm in a small one bedroom in town, down from about 2,700 sq. ft. in a posh suburb with a super kitchen (I love to cook) and a big yard. You deal with it though. You'll find friends and fewer of your friends than you think will abandon you. We're all here for you. Good luck. Talk to us anytime.

 

A small place with no mental closets may feel like a palace compared to a mansion in which you can't be yourself.

 

No, you have not "killed your wife", no matter how dramatic she is acting at this moment. All you have done is be honest with her, instead of continuing to pretend to be something you are not. There is no reason to feel like you are a POS, because you are not. She IS angry and trying to make you feel like a POS, but that does not mean you have to play the kicked dog role as a response. You are going to have to be the adult in the room and not feel guilty about it while allowing her to be the child and throw her tantrum. Then, when the crazy part is over, you can both sit down and start talking about making your life as routine as it was the day before yesterday, and decide what the best course of action for both of you and the kids is. Hold strong, maintain your integrity and self-respect, and be patient as she goes through the Anger stage of the 5 steps to acceptance of reality. It will get better when everyone is cried out and calms down. Sorry for both of you that she did not take the news more calmly.

 

It will take some time for both of you to adjust, and things will never be entirely the same as they were before. And it's going to take awhile before the dust will settle enough for you to see the positives in the situation.

I came out to my wife as gay a year and a half ago. Our relationship was complicated before the revelation, and coming out to her has certainly added to that complexity. We've alternated between hoping to stay friends, and wishing the other would just disappear....if nothing else, this experience has brought to light a number of things about both of us that aren't nearly as neat and pretty as either of us realized, and my conviction of her friendship and loyalty was nearly as twisted as my conviction that I was straight or just latently bisexual.

In the end, a lot of what happens will depend on who you two are as people to begin with. I've spent the last year and a half trying to assert myself without hurting her any more than I already have, and she's spent it expecting me to make all the changes, and resenting anything I do that doesn't revolve around her. Typical....and any friendship that we salvage out of this will involve me doing all the heavy lifting. I truly hope, headshaver, that you two truly are best friends and can work things out. If your relationship was equitable and based on mutual friendship and respect, you have a good chance at working things out. I know guys who still are close to their ex-wives and everyone gets along, after a period of adjustment. It CAN happen.

As far as this being a huge mistake - let the dust settle on that too. Coming out changes your life in many ways, but the biggest change I've encountered is a sense of honesty and relief at not having to keep a close eye on my every move and worry about being found out. I still have rough days - my daughter's Confirmation is this coming weekend, and I'm very nervous about having so much of the family together. Both our families know most of the details and I have no idea what to expect or how I'll be treated with everyone together (our separation is close to being final, and I'll be moving out in the fall). But those individual instances of panic and uncertainty are outweighed by the sense that I am finally who I am supposed to be. And while I'm generally a quiet guy (basically an introvert who can put on a very good show of being social), and not what you'd call a "joiner" into clubs and communities, I was lucky enough to find a kindred spirit very quickly. Once you find out how much happier you are relating to gay men, or even falling in love with one, you will come to realize that this really WAS the right thing to do. Until then, we're here for you.

 

Buddy, I felt the exact same way and it does get better - slowly. As someone said let the dust settle and give her time to process what is going on. It will not be easy but nearly 4 months have past and it is better but it takes time - my thoughts are with you.

 

I found that although I still have a lot of this, it has lessened quite a lot over time. It gets better.

 

I think anytime we make a big scary change it is easy to try to go back. Give both of you time to adjust. Visit a coffee shop or the library to work for a few hours if you can. Lots of people have found journaling, blogging, or writing on here really helpful. We are 'here' for you!

 

You have been "straight" for 23 years, with your wife. You have been "gay" with your wife for 2 days, so you don't know how to do it yet, particularly in the straight setting illusion you are trying to maintain for your at-home daughter. No, you don't yet fully understand what happened, and neither does she. It will take some time interacting with her to figure out what it means to be living together now on a day to day basis, but you will each figure it out, and realize that it does not have to mean very much is different right now unless one or both of you acts crazy and angry. If you don't think you are figuring it out quickly enough, get a therapist into the circle right away, to help both of you work through the coming changes in a productive and civilized way. This will minimize the hurt you might otherwise inflict on each other out of counterproductive anger.

 

I'd give her a little time to adjust before you rush into any decisions. It's going to be tense for awhile, that's for certain. But if you want to maintain a relationship with her in the long run, dashing out to find a new place to live without her explicitly asking you to might appear as if you're over-anxious to bail out of your old life and start a completely new one.

Her emotions (and yours) are going to go through a huge period of adjustment, and it's probably going to take much longer than a couple days before you really know how you both feel. Show her respect and kindness, and give her space if necessary, but not at the expense of your own self-respect and dignity. Unless she's demanding an immediate divorce or that you start looking, I'd allow yourselves time to adjust. You may have to be the stronger and more graceful person here, which is a challenge given all the emotions you're going through, but in the end it might salvage a friendship of some kind.

 

I am in exact same spot myself. Having explained myself as delicately and honestly as I could, my gf STILL thinks its all just a ploy to screw with her head. She says how I have fucked her over so badly and I feel like all I have done is be honest. I feel bad for what hurt I have caused, and she resents that our daughters know how I feel and they accept me just the same. I am very fortunate in that regard. I just wish that somehow her and I could find a way to work thru things peacefully because the only thing that matters in the end is what is best for our girls. I want to maintain as much stability as possible.

 

Just remember that you have had a long time to think things over, to read and consider your options. To her, this is all new and out of the blue. It will take time for her simply to assimilate the new information, let alone know what to do with it.

 

That made me tear up. I'm glad you had a moment of peace today.

 

I am married and in the closet too