Got some girls' PJs from my aunt who knew that I'd changed my gender on Facebook. Constantly anxious and depressed and had a really scary wave of panic that I can never really be myself. Even if I transition I wouldn't be the real me. And my mum told me to "show my clevage" for a game even though she knows I'm uncomfortable with that sort of stuff! She doesn't realise how hellish this is and I wish she knew what disphoria feels like.
Oh, I'm sorry! Yeah, dysphoria sucks. It feels like my parents say my birth name 100 times in every sentence just to see when I'll explode. And oh man, that's soon.
My dad got me a card that said "beloved daughter" or something like that. And what's funny is in the inside he wrote "You can talk to me about anything, I won't judge you!" As if he didn't know I was trans. I think this is actually a perfect opportunity to explain to him (nicely) about what transgender really means and that I feel uncomfortable with words like "daughter" and such. But yeah...
My cousin gives my mom his school photo every Christmas, and my mom made a remark about how much he grew. My grandpa said he's now taller than everyone in the family. My mom started going off about how boys have such a growth spurt while girls are taller when younger. It made me feel left out.
Ouch :/ that's rough. I had to sit through a conversation about peoples opinions on LGBT on Christmas Eve. Let's just say they aren't quite as supportive as I am. Today I wore a bra beneath my sweater for some confidence. And I plan to use my gift cards on more feminine attire
My mum keeps referring to me as her "daughter" and it's like I now have a sibling. ---------- Post added 25th Dec 2014 at 02:40 PM ---------- i don't know. Sometimes being referred to as female doesn't annoy me, so I wonder if I should be annoyed. And so wonder if I'm trans or not.
Out to my brother and two parents. They are acting like nothing is up. We'll after Christmas I'm going to shove it in their faces. I'm getting more and more dysphoric as time goes on. I hate this living a lie feeling. I'm so angry at the world right now. They asked what I'm doing for new years. I'm going to new york. They know what I'm doing there with my trans friends but won't acknowledge it.
The holidays are a dysphoric time for me. My godmother sends me girly pjs and my dad has sent me a "daughter" card two Christmases in a row.
My uni's LGBT+ society is having a trans clothes swap next term. I wonder if there will be unwanted xmas clothes there.
I've been feeling especially dysphoric lately, but today was pretty fun. All the clothes I got were male or unisex, except a women's jacket from my grandma, but I tried it on and it actually looks pretty unisex, it doesn't have any weird cuts to it. Being around my family makes me sad though because I love them a lot and I was having fun but I keep thinking about how they would hate me if they knew the truth. My parents are okay with it but the rest of my family is pretty conservative. One of the first things that happened when my brother arrived was he got in an argument because my parents told him not to say the word "faggot" and he got upset because he thinks he should be able to use it. (*hug*) for everyone that had a bad time.
Yeah I definitely had a rough time. I can't blame any of my family since I'm not out and have only just realised my trans-ness myself, but it was still uncomfortable being accidentally misgendered all day. I had one really panic-inducing moment when somebody wanted the guests to split into "boys and girls" teams for a game and I just yelled "NO". I really didn't want to be shoved in the wrong group and I had my sister bugging me as to why I was objecting, and couldn't say a thing. :/ Got given a lot of male clothes too. Really put a damper on my day, because I hate being ungrateful for gifts, but I could only look at these things and think "I hate the way these make me feel". And I already have too many clothes that are going to become obselete when I come out (which I hope to be within the next six months or so). So for a lot of the day I was feeling really disconnected, ungrateful, worthless and dysphoric. Luckily, I then remembered that alcohol existed...
I've never heard of such a thing. That sounds amazing. I wish my school would do something like that.
My mom is constantly doing that, she'll say stuff like "guys are like ____"all the time with all these generalisations, and I hate it because I know she's not counting me in there. The only time she's ever really acknowledged me as a guy was to point out that I'm really short compared to other guys :dry:
I do wish the brother, son, he, birth name talk would stop, but I know it won't until I pluck up the guts to say something about it. Regardless, this was overall a nice Xmas. I sat down on the couch and had a nice talk with my sister. I think if there's anyone I'd come out to, she'd be the first. She's pretty much accepting of anyone and I bet she'd appreciate getting to know me better. Little by little I've engaged her in discussions about her take on feminism and inclusivity and I like what I've heard. I hope to become closer to her as a sister, there's always been some distance between us, and I know a big part of that was me being afraid to talk about things if they made me seem somehow weak.
It's a hard time for all of us. Find something to look forward to and keep it in your head. Being around the family for the holidays can be very stressful and uncomfortable, but it's not forever. Find someone you can talk to or reach out to on a daily basis to get anything off your chest so it doesn't pile up.
I've just had to contend with my birthday AND Christmas. Even though I'm out to most of my family, I'm still receiving girly cards and gifts or in some cases, nothing. I didn't even get a 'Happy Birthday' or 'Merry Christmas' from my brother and sister. It was hurtful but fortunately, I had prepared myself for the worst. I expected them to throw my gifts back in my face but it didn't come to that. For now, they have accepted them. I did wonder why I bothered but the idea of not buying them anything made me feel like a horrible person. In most people's view, I'm the one in the wrong anyway.
I've been turning to alcohol to make things fun lately. Sad... Because when I'm female I can have so much fun without it. I have no inhibitions being me. I don't want to become dependent on booze for fun. ---------- Post added 26th Dec 2014 at 03:00 PM ---------- I god to I know how this feels... I know those feels.
It's weird, I have found that I can spend time around my friends, being closeted and gendered as male, and I don't mind, but around my family it's intolerable. I think it's because here's just such a pervasive sense of gender roles and what's expected of them. Not really aggressively sexist stuff, but lots of low-level prejudices and assumptions - girls are like X, boys do Y - it just feels like to them, gender dictates the majority of your personality. It makes me feel really negatively about the idea of being out to them, because though I sure as hell don't want to be put in the "boys" box with all those things expected of me, I don't want to be expected to fulfil their idea of a girl either. I don't want to be disapproved of if I don't wear makeup or if I swear or belch or anything else "unladylike". I identify as female, but I don't want to be "one of the girls". I don't want to be one of the boys either. I just want to be me. Yeah... I just try and remember that it's just for a bit. It's all temporary and one day we'll be us. In the mean time, I can channel my inner Cersei Lannister and imbibe lots of wine while throughly disdaining everyone in my presence.
I also wish my family would see it the way I do. They feel they have such a clear idea of what's "manly" or "girly" but it really ought to be up to the individual to set their own standards for themselves. For me it's my personal qualities that define my self-identity, and therefore define my gender. Being a carnivore, a metalhead, a lazy slob and a rap battle junkie are all part of what makes me a girl. But I guess that's a lot for some people to wrap their head around.