I don't think I could ever meet a woman.

OK, OK, OK, I'll admit it. I am like the world's biggest fan of Hello Kitty. I have a Hello Kitty men's wallet (yes, there is such a thing). It is a real conversation started. I've been told that I must be really secure in my masculinity to use something like that! I guess being a gay man who is secure of his masculinity is a good thing, Right? I also use Hello Kitty duck tape. I put it all over my suitcases to make them easy to identify (please, find your own variety of duct tape for your suitcases!!! :roflmao. People have hung big Hello Kitty jumping things in my office, put stickers all over my desk, left Hello Kitty pogs on my phone. Yeah, there sure are some people with weird obsessions out there, aren't there? :icon_bigg

 

Ok. I'm not kidding now. Where is that kissing booth they promised when we signed up?

 

I totally agree btw...though my game is Skyrim or Mass Effect rather than Pokemon, I so get the community around our geekdoms if you will.

 

Womaninamber :

I know what you mean when you said that you're 47, and you think that life is passing you by. I'm 48, and I feel like this all the time. I'm disabled, and my admitting that I was openly gay and transgendered was one of the toughest things that I have ever faced,
but I did it, and I know you can too.

As far as meeting someone, their are no clubs or meetings for me, but I'm not giving in on hope, and neither should you.

Maybe we can talk sometime, if you'd like.

Jaymegurl

 

yeah, I turn 59 next week, which means 60 next year, and that often makes me feel like, "why bother? I've been miserable all my life, why change now?". But then again, I have heard here on EC about people who came out in their 60's and even 70's. So, I don't know. I keep listening, maybe something will click at some point. 48 seems so young to me now!!! but I was definitely not ready at 48, as I was raising a family and more significantly building an edifice of heterosexuality that I was hoping would be strong enough to withstand any assaults by the truth. As life would have it, that assault came from the inside, and those attacks are always impossible to withstand. :tears:

 

I'm not sure this will be any reassurance or comfort for you, but I went through a lot of what you seem to be going through here. I hid it a lot though. I didnt really post all that much about it, except maybe on the other account that I had where I self-deleted. I originally joined in Feb 2014. At the point where I self-deleted I was sure I wasnt gay and even if I was I thought it didnt matter much (it did).

I had to challenge myself to come back here because I equated deleting my account with running... it didnt work because I was still attracted to the most hot woman ever lol. I couldnt get away from her, so I was still confronted with the "am I gay" thing every day.

I was like you in that I live in an area that is absolutely not homophobic. I work for a diverse employer. I work with people that accept my freak personality ... read: accept me with all my flaws and foibles. I have it easier than most people on this planet. No reason for me to fear.

My problem is that I felt like I had to reconcile everything. WHY was I in denial most of my adult life. WHY did I ever even get involved with men. HOW could I ignore this part of myself for so long. I still feel a bit disconnected from the fact that I am a lesbian. I'm still the same person, doing the same things and relating to others in exactly the same way as I always have. I do believe I have become much much less judgmental.

So, I guess while for you its your "weird brain" your reaction is not unique to people in denial. I went through many of the same things... the knee-jerk reactions "What am I doing here?? I'm not gay!" "What difference does it make even if I AM gay... so what?"

I dont know if you will be back to see this but I want to wish you luck and I hope that the conclusion of this journey is peaceful for you. We're all here if you need us ... if you want to come back and keep posting please do so. You're always welcome here. (*hug*)

 

I'm 41, run a world of Warcraft guild, am gay but still live with my husband and three kids, two of whom have special needs. And I identify with a great deal of what has already been said.

The mutual commonality that we all share is what brings us to here. Because no matter how we got here or what we do in our spare time we all got here because at some level we are "different" together - whether it be because of sexuality or gender questioning or simply because we just don't yet know but know there is something we need to identify.

The way I see it is that I have spent my whole life thus far fighting my destiny. And yet I still ended up here anyway. It's time for me to spend less time fighting and more time simply existing in my reality and seeing what my path has in store.

Or I can spend my whole life over-analysing the infinite possibilities of all possible outcomes and miss out on just smelling the roses as they come into bloom.

That's draining. I know because I've been doing it for months. And now I'm drained. So it's time to just let go and see what happens - free falling while using a stick as a parachute is never going to end well.

 

I haven't done that self-deleting thing on EC, but I have done it with other sites (meet up sites, dating sites, etc). There is one that I have deleted and rejoined a dozen times over the years. But I always went back. And you know why? Because I was still gay! :eusa_doh: But then I found EC which is different, where I can actually talk about everything that I am going through, and I can read other people's experiences that I can identify with. When I saw your comment about self-deleting and coming back, that was just another experience that I could identify with. It says to me, you're in the right place, John!!! thanks.

 

You can chat with others via wall messages...
just click on user-> view public profile and leave a message on the wall...

 

I don't think you're familiar with family constellations, a method founded by Bert Hellinger. Here's an interview with him.
I think his method is kind of controversial but I myself have joined enough sessions, set up my own and role-played in other people's constellations, to understand there's really more than we think.
According to the interview, Hellinger observed patterns in relationship to LGBT issues. To believe or not to believe is up to each individual but considering I was confronted with a male ancestor of mine in every single constellation I've set up so far I wouldn't be surprised it's true. The men are mostly people that I couldn't meet in person but still they affect my life in so many ways. I also learned how important is to honour their memory and their difficult fate.
What I wanted to say is that just because you can't see much reason that prevent you from admitting you're gay it doesn't mean such reason doesn't exist. (*hug*)

 

Does his method use psycho drama and role playing? It sounds interesting. How can you fi d a therapist that uses his methods?

 

Okay. At 36 I can still remember how I was at 16. I was not in a place to accept my sexuality as a teen. So much so I was very rebellious and excessively sexual. Now, at 16 I was already stacked, extremely muscular and didn't know my own strength. It was a very dangerous powder keg. I was very defensive toward anyone who called me a dyke. That wasn't me. I was in denial. And because I didn't know wtf I was doing I ended up alienating myself from most of my family because I was in such deep denial. I moved out of my mother's at 16 because I couldn't deal with accusations from classmates...though at the time I blamed my family. When I look back it is clear I was at least bi if not gay back when I was a teen, but despite growing up in the uber-liberal Seattle area, I couldn't accept it myself...So there we have a 36 y/o coming out when I could and should have at 16. Its probably what gave me the issues and phobias I still deal with. As I said in another post, dont let other people label you and straight/gay/bisexual. You love who you love, and it really, to me anyway, has no bearing on gender. Sexual attraction true..is an indicator, but no matter how much I love my husband, and I DO love him..doesn't change the fact that I'm sexually attracted to women more so than men.

 

I am very much like that. I don't like to be put down, but whenever anyone says something positive, I always feel like, "you don't really know me." Like, if you really knew me, you wouldn't be saying something so positive. What I have always wondered, and still wonder, is if this is a product of me being in my closet. I mean, I went in the closet because I must have felt that it was something bad, something to be ashamed of. so I can never accept praise because there is always that hidden part. and so I also wonder if that is something that changes when we come out.