What are you thinking?

Had to not go to a library job interview today because I had to work. I was looking forward to it, but I have to make sure that I do the best that I can with my current job.

 

I just got referred by my correct pronouns.

Holy shit♡ Most amazing feeling ever

 

Well, my hopes and dreams crushed... Can't wait to see what else life throws at me.

 

It's my mom's birthday and she asked me to clean the whole house. I definitely did.. it's nice to hear her happy, at least. Now I have to finish her bday present after I relax, of course.

 

My mom and stepdad are out of town for a couple of days= thank Goddddddddddd! (!)

 

Now if all my opening shifts were like today's, maybe I wouldn't feel so desperate about getting a different job. Consistently busy, stuff isn't coming into the dishroom like a Mongol invasion, but.... it was a 'slow' day. :eusa_doh:

On a more hopeful note, stopped at the library on my way home and while checking out some reserves asked about job opportunities. The librarian gave me an application which covers both my branch and two others it's directly connected with. Don't know if they'll have openings anytime soon, but it's a step.

 

I'm back from the hospital, was in there for two weeks. I felt so helpless not having a say in what they did to me. I'm so glad I'm back.

 

Getting shitfaced in the middle of the week.

 

I made orange chicken and it turned out alright (!).

 

I wonder if I'd never found EC, I could have gone on under the illusion of being male, for the rest of my life.

I've come to realise that schools feed off of stress, as they're living beings, and so try to stress their students as much as possible with stupid concepts such as 'finals week' which essentially compresses everything stressing about school into one unbearable week.

 

Why do people get so stress out about finals. I don't people are weirdos.

 

Because your grades and therefore your future rely on how finals go? Because university applications/university grades that make the difference between getting a first and a second actually matter?

 

Still doesn't mean you have to stress about it.

 

I'm not sure if it's occurred to you, but most people don't really choose what makes them stressed and what doesn't.

 

I know that.

 

So now I'm pissed. I just came back from this stupid, god damn "vacation." I wish I had been at work, honestly.

1. We had to go to a "nice restaurant," so I had to dress "nicely" for it, meaning male. Mom knows I don't like that.

2. Around 11:30 last night, my uncle verbally abused his husband in the bedroom next to me, which kept me up until 1 AM. I hate abusers, and I have now identified him as an abuser. He's persona non grata to me now.

3. The whole point of this trip was to "do something nice" for grandpa, who is in the fossilization process. As part of this, I had to endure being told I'm a "wonderful boy" countless times.

4. After driving back from Chico Hot Springs (that's in Buttfuck Nowhere, MT), I went straight to the gym to try and run, because I have been deprived of that for three days consecutive. I post the worst run I've ever had since I got injured in April of this year: 3.11 miles in 30 minutes.

5. With this terrible run, my whole week is likely to be a recovery week. Instead of running 30 miles a week, like I have been, I'll have to run 20 and hope I somehow don't injure myself.

I'm really, really upset right now. Running is so important for me to feel in touch with my gender, so not only did I not get to run for three days, I had to eat utter and complete shit, watch my grandfather be boring as hell and dribble all over himself, my horrid uncle verbally abuse his husband, who is a sweet, wonderful guy, and have my mother order me around to "help make things nice" for people who didn't really give a shit anyway. And I had a backslide in fitness.

 

It's too bad The Clapper doesn't respond to dog barks. Otherwise I'd hook it up to my dad's garage door opener and wait until he got home from work...

 

That does sound like a rough time, but there is one positive to it all:

You've been refueled with anger. That is an excellent motivator for getting back into your running routine. Better to use it for that, than to allow it to sabotage what you love, right?




I bought this maroon-colored scarf today. It wasn't terribly expensive, but it is soft and pretty-looking. I sprayed it with some nice-smelling perfume, as well. I've been wearing it since then; it serves as a 'security blanket' of sorts. Even if just for a second or two, when rubbing it against my face, it allows me to forget how I look in favor of how I feel, I'd say it was still worth the $7.99 + tax.

Also, I've been having a hard time sleeping. Not getting to sleep itself, but the realization, there is nobody there. I've had these phases before, they come and go, but they aren't really welcomed. I want somebody to play with my hair and tell me, what's on their mind, just as I'd like to massage somebody's back while I say what's on my mind, too.

Suddenly, that $60 a hour offer from Black Raven, doesn't seem so bad... but until I know what comes in the $60 package, I'll be damned if I pay it! LOL!

 

Aww (*hug*)

You should put some of your fencing skills to the test on your uncle, might make you feel a bit better

 

I have a feeling that something's going to happen tomorrow...