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casual sex?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by skiff, Nov 21, 2014.

  1. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    I have recently heard about app and online dating incidents where attacks, and brutal assaults occured. We are talking about whackos that slipped past initial chats, phone conversations and public meets only to get a gay person alone and attack them.

    These do happen so what are the safest steps? As we appear to be entering a more conservative period, which for some reason empowers whackos, what are the best practices to weed out a predator?

    To put it bluntly there is nothing more dangerous than to be naked, vulnerable and offering up your groin to a virtual stranger.

    Tom
     
  2. Weston

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    Exactly!

    ---------- Post added 4th Dec 2014 at 04:19 AM ----------

    Which is why I would urge anyone in this position to investigate obtaining a prescription for PReP (Truvada) to see if it might be right for them. The cost is usually covered by insurance and there are alternatives for those without (in Washington state, everyone is covered for PReP, regardless of insurance).
     
  3. allnewtome

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    It's an interesting conversation. to me as long as the individual is living in consistency with their own sense of integrity to each their own. I know people who regularly enjoy casual sex and make no bones about it.

    Then I know others who for one reason or another have casual sex and then are tormented by it. They preach monogamy but act differently and the effects are often reflected negatively in other areas of their lives.

    Personally I've walked on both ends of the spectrum. Some of which I think comes down to our up bringing regarding sex and sexuality ( for me personally as a victim of abuse it's an area I've struggled with) it is another area where I think some people carry shame that isn't there's to carry and people project on to others. To each their own.

    I've often wished I'd led my life more casually but I've also carried some sort of a burden for the times I have been casual, as I continually learn to release the shame I've carried I find myself smiling or laughing about memories that use to make me cringe.

    So that's really my stance on it, live as truthfully and as consistently as possible to your own feelings in both your sexuality and in how you express it. Don't carry shame from others and don't place shame on your own shoulders for living your own truth.

    I'll also just echo the being safe, I don't think that can be overstated. You can 'know' people for a long time and never really 'know' them and the risks and potential for danger is multiplied by complete strangers met through sites and apps.

    The aura of anonymity in places like that can be breeding grounds for deception and deception can be a stepping stone for real danger. If something/someone feels 'off' walk away-listen to your own intuition.

    Particularly as men we have a false bravado that certain things won't happen to us or we'd be able to prevent them if they did which simply isn't always the case.

    I'm a big guy 6'4, 210 lbs and I can handle myself but I've put myself in situations where looking back the outcome could've been very different.

    A few years ago I met a guy online who lived a block away, we talked via messenger/by the phone and exchanged pictures. I agreed to go to his place for a drink, I had a few drinks at home for some liquid courage and as soon as I showed up it was instantly clear that the picture he'd sent me had been several years old-which is beyond stupid like I wouldn't notice the huge difference.

    The smart thing would've been to turn around and leave but I went in for a drink, talked for a bit with the intention of making a quick exit only to pass out at some point and wake up with a full mouth...It may seem minor but to me it was an eye opening experience about what could've potentially happened.
     
  4. Wildside

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    Great post, allnewtome. I don't know if PReP is so easily available in Texas, but it should be everywhere. I don't mind old photos, but you're right about the potential dangers. And in men's rooms, the dangers of arrest, assault, and disease. But if that's our only outlet for sex, we're likely to keep going there. To me, that's another reason for coming out.
     
  5. HunGuy

    HunGuy Guest

    Somehow I'm absolutely against the idea of casual sex. Yesterday I met one of my friends (he's straight), and he started talking about T inder and how he has been using it to fuck girls in the past months. He literally said "...I met six, and did 3 of them...". Then he went on saying how it's cheaper than a prostitute to take them out for a night then do them, and he complained that after 5 occasions one of them wanted a serious relationship with him.

    I got so angry, I just wanted to punch him in the face. I cannot fathom how someone can be like this. He spoke as if those girls were only walking vaginas whose only use was to satisfy his needs. He told me he never wants to have a wife because then he would "lose his freedom".

    He's a selfish, shallow coward. A coward, because he wouldn't take the responsibility to have a serious relationship. I don't like people who just fuck around because that's fun and easy and comes without responsibilities then throw away the other when they got bored with them. I think that tells a lot about them, and if I didn't know this guy for 14 years, I wouldn't even want to talk to him at all (he has never told me about these flings of his until yesterday, we didn't even talk about sex).

    Fucking without emotions seems like an animalistic, empty and pathetic act to me. It' so damn sad that many people think it's the norm and it's almost a requirement to behave in this way to be accepted in society. I value those who don't give in to these views of sex.
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    Interesting story. I had a similar experience this weekend when I was with a guy whom is in an open relationship and aggressively seeks out casual sex. His boyfriend of two years is hot, sensitive and intelligent. When I asked why he felt he needed an open relationship when he had a boyfriend that hits all cylinders, he responded "a Blow Job is a Blow Job, when I want one, I want one. If my boyfriend gets to me before someone else does, great. If I find someone else first, then thats what I am going to do". Talk about a total lack of respect for his boyfriend? I can not see how casual sex can be satisfying, particularly if your in a relationship with someone already.
     
  7. biAnnika

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    Ok...first of all, regarding the name of the thread...I was just on the main forum page trying to figure out where to go next, when my attention was caught by:

    casual sex? OnTheHighway

    So, um...that's why I'm here right now.

    But reading back through many responses, I'm struck by the fact that I'm so torn here. I mean, safety issues aside (safe-sex practices, and the fact that dating apps give one person a chance to plan an assault on an unsuspecting one).

    I'm basically a "to each their own (barring lies, deception, etc.)" sort of person. So really, I'm trying to work out where my own comfort level is with this topic.

    It would seem to me at first glance like, y'know, I don't think I could sleep with a person I just met...I'm all about intimacy, but that includes and requires emotional and spiritual intimacy...not just a night of "fun". But then I actually put myself into that position: let's say I'm not in a relationship, just to make the situation extra clear-cut; I'm out at one of several very groovy local pubs, and I meet a (let's say it's a) guy who I really hit it off with. I know myself well enough to know we can go from 0 to incredibly deep in an evening...suppose that happens. If he manages to be forward/open enough for us to move to a kiss (without being a pushy dickhead...neat trick I've rarely seen)...I could see it managing to go anywhere from there.

    So the question arises about just what constitutes "casual". Was that situation *really* casual? In that it was sex the same night I met someone, absolutely. But it wasn't sex without emotional attachment, right? I mean, there was a romantic bond there or it wouldn't have happened. Sheesh, seems to me that a guy who wanted casual sex would have moved on from me *hours* beforehand.

    I can't even relate to this (like OnTheHighway's "friend") notion of "hey, I'm in the mood to get off, and so whoever can provide that for me first wins (lucky him, eh?)".

    So yeah, um, skiff? How at least are *you* defining casual sex...at least for the purposes of this thread?
     
  8. BMC77

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    Safety tip: it is best while having sex on the highway to not be driving at the time. :lol:

    But yes, that combination of thread title and EC member would grab my attention, too.
     
  9. OnTheHighway

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    :roflmao:

    Boy, do I really suck at picking names! :tears:
     
  10. all paths

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    This illustrates a point I wish more would get: People wonder where rape culture comes from, and don't make the connection between the attitude that allows for the using of another human being as a tool simply for one's own gratification, and the dehumanization that is necessary to rape someone.

    All you need to add to that ingredient is a bit of entitlement and a dash of irritation or anger at that other person not acquiescing to your wants, and the recipe for rape is there.
     
  11. SouthernGeek

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    That's a very good observation. I see a lot of news from university student groups decrying rape culture -- as they should. But you know, as politically incorrect as it may be to say this, if you treat sex as "just another activity" then you are cheapening it and making it easier for others to objectify sex and the people they get it from.

    And I'm not saying this from a high horse, I'm kind of ashamed of some of the things I've done and this really makes me think.
     
  12. OnTheHighway

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    I can see how your connecting the dots between casual sex and rape, but I do think that the dots are very small and wide apart. I have no statistics, but I would guess that the ratio of daily casual sex to daily rape cases weighs significantly in favor of casual sex.

    For me, casual sex leaves a feeling of emptiness and is no where near as satisfying as physical intimacy with someone you love. Add in the risks of STD, physical harm, etc, and it just seems to be a lot of effort and risk for nominal pleasure.
     
  13. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    Personally, I hate casual sex. I only want it with someone I love. But I feel like half of these comments are really judgmental.

    Some people prefer casual sex and could never be happy with just relationship sex. Some of these people just DON'T think sex is 'emotional' or 'valuable' or whatever. They view it like taking a piss; something their body craves as an every day thing.

    And they are not wrong for feeling that way. If anything I find it wrong to force someone to feel emotions that they do not feel for the sake of societal norms. And for people like us who do value sex and deep commitments...we are also hurting ourselves by condemning casual sex. We are teaching people who need and prefer casual sex that they have to get in relationships to properly get laid. That causes them to use people, to lie to people about their 'feelings' because they want sex. And then we blame them for being manipulative uncaring assholes who were using someone for sex (which is completely 100% true), but what the hell else were they SUPPOSED to do? You took away the only option that felt right for them and forced them to try to feel 'feelings' they simply do not feel.
    Yes it's wrong to use people as 'walking vaginas' but if a woman just wants a casual fuck, then who is it hurting? It only hurts people if you haven't had such discussion with them.

    Casual sex is not the problem behind objectifation; people's ATTITUDES are. I've seen plenty of human 'cheapening' and rape culture between men who enter committed relationships too.

    People here are saying that all casual sex involves STD risks and physical harm. It isn't true at all. Yes, if you find a stranger on craigslist and put out for them immediately, It's pretty stupid and you'll be at harm. But casual sex can even involve being with your best friend of over 10 years that you know inside and out. It doesn't have to be a stranger, it just has to be someone that isn't your significant other.

    And who's to say committed sex isn't dangerous? Who's to say even if I waited for someone I love, I'm not at risk? What if my partner ends up being a sociopath that pretended to love me and were skilled at charming me? And then they sleep with over 100 people behind my back and I'd never know. They violently turn on me, and I'd never see it coming.

    Anything can be safe or dangerous as long as you use your HEAD in regards to the risks involved.
     
    #73 Fallingdown7, Dec 15, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2014
  14. Choirboy

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    Wow, Fallingdown7, you've articulated my views on it almost to the letter.

    I'm not a "casual sex" guy. I'm pretty certain I'd have a hard time getting in the mood with someone I didn't feel a very special level of trust for, and I'll admit that I was brought up with the notion that sex is part of a larger commitment to a person, and I've never been able to get past that in my own life (nor have I really tried, for that matter--it's me and I'm fine with it). But I just don't see why it's a problem for two people who are just in it to feel good and have fun should be considered heartless or opportunistic, providing BOTH of them feel that way. Sex, particularly between two people of the same sex, is really a recreational thing, and some people (like me) are more comfortable with sex as part of a committed relationship, and some aren't. It becomes a problem if one person is exclusive and the other isn't, or if people aren't being responsible about their sexual activity.

    And who among us doesn't know a long-term couple in an abusive relationship of one kind or another? Abuse can be found in committed relationships too, not just in hookups. (I should also note that the person here on EC who reported being raped after a casual hookup has since been banned because the story was found to be largely fabricated. Which isn't to say that his experience has never happened or COULDN'T happen, just that in this particular case, it didn't.)

    For me, I have enough issues with trust and fear of rejection and insecurity that a few casual encounters would probably make me an emotional basket case. And my boyfriend and I are clones in that respect, so we're both effectively out of the casual sex pool. But if people are OK with it, and are making sure that they and their partners are emotionally OK with it (and are taking the standard health precautions), I guess I don't see it as any big deal.
     
  15. Damien

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    Whenever I'm tempted to just go to a gay bar (the few that still exist in my city - they are actually fast vanishing), or get myself onto some dating app or some such thing, and go with someone casually, I think of herpes, chlamydia, etc...there is so much going around, so I hear, and not all of it is curable. I don't know if it's worth the risk...the downside, of course, is that I'm still a virgin as far as gay sex goes.
     
  16. PerfectlyNormal

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    As long as both members doing it want that it is fine.
     
  17. Damien

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    Is his boyfriend ok with being treated like a doormat, a convenience?
     
    #77 Damien, Dec 15, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2014
  18. stocking

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    Let people enjoy their causal sex if they want it .:slight_smile:
     
  19. HunGuy

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    Fallingdown7, I have to disagree with you. Are you saying it is partially us to blame for their attitude?

    Just like they give their opinions about serious relationships being a waste of time, a waste of freedom, we also give our opinions about their attitude towards sex. That's what it is. Opinions.
    I could have told my friend that he was an asshole, and that would have been okay. But would I ever tell him or try to force him to have feelings for the girls he screws? No. Why? Because that's how he is, and I have no say in his life. It would be a dick move to do so.
    All I can do is offer my opinion on this matter, and I have a moral principle that says what he's doing is wrong. I can tell him that, and he doesn't have to do anything about it. He either agrees with me or not.

    So when you say that we take away the option to screw without feelings, or that we teach or force them to screw with feelings, and as a result they become uncaring assholes, you blame us for their behavior. No one is obligated to behave according to other people's opinions, but some people do anyway, mostly to be accepted in society.
    From where I stand, it seems that society regards casual sex as a completely acceptable act, being/using others as a sex-toy is highly appreciated. It is 'cool' to have sex with lots of people, it makes you 'normal', but if you do otherwise, you are 'antisocial', 'bigoted' and a general idiot.

    I'm speaking for myself now, so if you disagree, just say so. Half of the comments are judgmental? Yes. People judge others by their own views and principles, they give their opinions.
    They are not wrong for feeling that way? No, in a 'global' way they aren't. But they are wrong by my judgment, by my principles. It's just a game of opinions and attitudes, and we took a side. That's it.
     
  20. OGS

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    I'm almost tempted to go back and read your posts to see if you have ever complained about anyone saying anything homophobic because by your logic there's nothing wrong with it... I suppose in one sense there really isn't anything wrong with it, but in case you were planning on going there too I'll let you know that it doesn't tend to go over well here...