What does dysphoria feel like?

True, true

 

It will take time to sink in, especially if you've known each other for a long time!
Sounds like he's fully supportive and knows it'll make you happy though, which is good!

 

<<<------- This.....

 

I'm.......physically shaking. I've been going over and over this idea of actually (internally) being a girl and I was having some difficulty coming to terms with that. All of a sudden all my years just started rushing over me like a flood, so many memories of incidents, problems, feelings (and the suppression thereof), wants, needs, my entire worldview. None of it has ever felt 'masculine' then or now.

This can't be real though? Can it? How? I'm the second oldest son of 6 children all gathered together from various circumstances, biological parents, or adopted or both. I'M MARRIED for fuck's sake, How can this be real???
Just spent the past hour or so watching MtF transition videos on youtube, all my years, all my memories flooding over me, resonating in every fiber of my being with the words that were superimposed on the screen as the videos played on......
How can this be real???

 

Yeah, when it hits you, it hits you like a train!!!
But I'm here if you need to talk.

 

I appreciate that, if this (gender confusion) is in fact what has been buried beneath the surface my whole life, I've got alot to think about......yay :icon_sad:

 

if i may offer my two cents...

Just a preface, I was raised in a family that devalued emotion and put mundane and monetary success as an infallible paradigm and priority of life. Also, this is *my* story using *my* definitions

I knew something was wrong from the very start. I had strange dreams about being kidnapped by doppelgangers, being replaced, and being stuffed into the hidden folds of earth... i would want things like baby-dolls but receive only action figures and scorn. I have strange memories of feeling peace when imagining that I was dead (in hindsight, I think it was moreso the death of the expectations that were placed on me, rather than literal death).

So what did I do? From a very early age, I self-taught and mastered the arts of mental/emotional deception and misdirection, and started acting as a puppet-master from within myself. I almost literally divided myself into two people. One within the marionette as the mastermind. This was all a double-edged sword, however, as my inner sanctuary became my prison. I felt I had to go to such great lengths to fool others to avoid scrutiny. I let it get so out of hand that the roles of the puppet and puppeteer became reversed. I tricked everyone, myself included.

So to come to the point of all of this... dysphoria. I felt its sting in all aspects of my life. I couldn't make friends... I resented the boys for their bullying and for my inability to relate to them. I resented the girls because of their "blessing" of being cis-gendered and because of their unwillingness to relate to me. I found myself in social limbo. Physically, I was never satisfied with my appearance, quite the opposite, in fact. I tried to overcompensate and further lost definition of myself. I tried ferociously to adhere to any expectation that was placed on me, socially, physically, or otherwise, all at the cost of my sanity and ability to enjoy anything in life. I would, in turn, burn-out very quickly.

To wrap this up, in a nutshell, dysphoria, for me, feels like being replaced by "pod-people" and being forced to watch them live my life for me, from a distance... It caused feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness, and I had nothing positive to contrast against the negative.

Feeling suicidal (and almost venturing into the beyond on more than one occaision) for nearly a quarter century was a burden I could no longer bear. At last, I had had enough. I felt as the ever-growing fenris wolf, bound by deceit and a mere ribbon... but I grew and grew, and even the devices created by the ingenius and deployed by the gods to tie me down for eternity could not fetter me after so long. The bonds strained under my burgeoning inner-presence and snapped by my long-festered, ever-burning conviction to be free...

...free to be me...

...at the cost of everything, and everyone I loved (with an exception or two).

But now, the world is mine to enjoy.

 

Hi, :smilewave

I'm kinda new here but felt like I could add something to this topic.

I totally get and understand the feelings around pregnant women. For me it is not so much a "general uneasy feeling" as much as a strong desire to know everything about what they are going through which can lead to some awkwardness when she is a complete stranger.

Has anyone else seen the BBC show Misfits (if not I recommend at least the first season) in it a male character gets the ability to change, at will, between male and female versions of himself. I know, right, a dream come true. So while he is a she, she becomes pregnant and because of that his/her body wont let her change back to him.

At which point my wife (who is not 100% aware of who I am yet) says "wouldn't that be awful" because she does not want to bear children herself (a long story for another time). But the whole time all I was thinking was "I wish that could happen to me". Many times during our marriage when I bring up kids she"ll say "why don't you have the kids if you want them so bad" to which I usually say "I would gladly carry and give birth to our children, If only I could!"

I'm not sure yet how I feel about my body... I know I like my nails with polish on them, my legs and arms shaved and I wish I had long natural hair. but I kinda like my penis although I have fantasized about not having one. In general I'd say I'm confused and a little frustrated.


ps. can I ask what the Gnerd army is?

 

I've seen that show and thought that, and also have thought that when I've watched anime or read manga where a charecter switches between male and female. Actually, my avitar is one such charecter - Namba Fourty from the manga AI Love You. When he says "girl" he becomes one, and when she says "boy" she becomes one, totally different personalities.

Hard to explain.... try searching the forum for GNERD. It's sorta a recent thing on this forum. Just don't fall to the Skittles Rebels.

 

Not gonna lie when I saw that episode, made me a bit jealous......and worse, I wanted to smack him/her when he started whining about 'i can't change back'. Only thing I could think was 'why would you want to change back???"

 

I've been getting intense dysphoria the past couple days so I thought I'd add something since I have more to go on.

It's feeling like this person that is living my life isn't me. I get confused about who I am because it's hard to show many aspects of my personality. I get angry because I'm trapped in a body that's not mine, and the person people see when they look at me I have no connection to. It's like I've been alive for a long time but I haven't started living yet.

 

Love Misfits, though that episode made me jealous that Curtis could do that!

And Skittles Rebel Faction > GNERD Army

 

<--- Yup

 

At least he gave you some notice.....didn't he?