There was a thread going around earlier about when the last time you cried was. I wasn't lying when I said it's been nearly 10 years since I've done something that could be considered crying ( admittedly the last time I cried I full out balled my eyes out ) I haven't cried since. I spent pretty much the entirety of my teens in a state of 'apathy' even now I don't express any emotions well. I get mad at video games sometimes, but that's about the extent of my ability to express myself. I'm generally reserved and quiet. I don't talk to people I'm unfamiliar with because I feel nervous in doing so. I also don't really speak too many words around people I do know. I just never have anything to say I guess. I do still know the feeling of having your stomach tie up in knots. I've felt that one recently. Honestly, it's such a heavy contrast to my online personality. I don't get it. It's like those emotions in me are either dead or just burried somewhere and I don't know where to the find them.... Thoughts? *is unsure why he even wrote this now*
I am going to start off with some questions: Have you ever thought that the apathy you felt during your teen years was a defense mechanism? How was your childhood? (I hope its okay if I ask these questions and feel free to give vague answers if you want to)
I mean I guess it could be... As for how was childhood, umm...not super great. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...1-my-life-story-warning-its-long-so-long.html <--- it's all laid out here. It's a really really long read though. You don't have to bother if you don't want.
Same. I thought that ''I guess it could be'' after someone pointed it out to me(I also went through the apathy thing in my teen years...Usually when we say I guess it could be...and we have the combination of a rough childhood...it tends to be the case). Its a way of coping.By the way,I read your story.It honestly does not sound any more weird than mine...so I hope we can chat.There was a even a time in my life when people thought I had a degenerative brain disease and would end up dying due to test results being mixed up.Had to be injected every half an hour for a long period of time.Back to the topic though-sometimes we bottle up emotions and feel ''numb'' because previous emotions were just too intense to handle...Thats just my personal experience.Its sometimes hard to know which feeling is worse though-the numb feeling or being flooded with emotions.If you feel this does not apply to you,please correct me.Hope to get a response and see where we can go from there(but only if you want to).
Yeah, apathy was kinda what I did best as a teen. I'm 'better than I was' but that really isn't saying too much I'm happy to chat. A degenerative disease? That sounds unpleasant...did the medicine cause any bad effects...I mean since you shouldn't have been taking it? I don't know if it does apply to me or not...I really don't. I guess in a way it does...I just don't know what a flood of emotions even is or feels like. Maybe it's just been too long and I don't remember anymore. Edit: It's really hard to resist adding in 'faces' to this. For some reason I have the weirdest tendency to try and downplay things like this...and I just don't wanna do that this time, but it's become like a habit =/
I have been there.Maybe you are worrying too much about how you SHOULD be feeling. Degenerative disease-(They had to draw blood,I still have a fear of needles.No fear of blood or knives that much though(used to be a cutter) but blocked most of that out).Maybe now people can also understand my distrust of doctors better (not that it will make me trust doctors more hehe) Back to SHOULD be feeling.Maybe its okay to not feel too much.Maybe its okay to feel a wide variety of emotions.Maybe it just is. I think that one of my probs was self-analyzing and deconstructing my emotions/''lack'' thereof. Even if you feel ''numb'' dont concentrate too much on finding words to describe how you SHOULD be feeling.There is no SHOULD.Besides often the ''numb'' feeling is intense in its own way.Maybe the feelings will come more easily if you do not concentrate too much on ''how SHOULD I be feeling'' Thats just my personal experience,feel free to disagree and write this off as waffling if you like. Writing can also be a helpful tool. Any thoughts so far?
Sucks about your bad doctor experience. Worrying too much about how I should be feeling...? I can believe that I get so worked in my head sometimes about this. I feel like theres some sort of disconnect between my thoughts and my emotions. It's like I'm aware of them, but I don't always feel them exactly...*has no idea how to describe this* Maybe I shouldn't get too worked up about it. It's just...I can't imagine its healthy to go a decade without shedding a single tear =/ I'm actually a writer. I used to do poetry a lot, but now I write short stories. You can find my short stories in my blog, and if you'd like I could share a poem or two?
Of course.Feel free to do that.Will check out your blog as well.PS- I know about being aware of them but not feeling them as well...perhaps since you are a writer,you take a very analytical approach.Which has its good points.And not so good points.I think trying to find a balance may be helpful(but understand that the right balance to find is hard,so do not overthink this too much) PPS-I am a musician(pianist),so I know all about being analytical as you can imagine.
That's cool that you play piano. Me and intstruments don't get along...I don't have rhythm...I wish I could play guitar. My most recent: Let flesh fall from bone In this home, all alone perhaps the jaws of those once gone will drag my body across this lawn Let the ashes of society rain screams, agony, blood, and pain The dead are alive, and the alive are dead Perhaps this chaos only lives in my bed In this wasteland of a once hopeful place I find myself alone, damn all this cursed space Stand and fight, or wait to die perhaps even a bullet to the brain is worth a try? I can hear in the distance their groans, Sad, haunting, grotesque moans These creatures bring chaos its sword their numbers, their numbers, they must be a horde! Let flesh fall from bone my fear, turns me to stone At the door they now claw Will I stand, or will I fall? My favorite: To think the night could conjure eternity is that so foolish a thing to dream? I listen as the rain it falls and softly lulls me off to sleep slipping from consciousness finding a new world hidden within my thoughts twisted and scarred redefine reality around me, and bring so blissful a sense of security maybe the monsters and the wolves that howl should make me shake and shiver but in the darkest of eyes and even in those that burn in fire seem only to make my body ache My legs feel so much heavier and knees begin to quake I find myself buckling underneath my own weight is this my personal heaven I can only hear the sound of growling a shadowy figure circling around predators eyes have vexed me and I feel compelled to stay I feel compelled to listen Without a word I know my place is here to serve does that make me weak or is it what bring me strength Again I have to leave as the sun rises once more I find myself saddened as the real world tries my embrace To think the night could conjure eternity is that so foolish a thing to dream? A cute one because not everything I write is dark: sweet lips press against my own, I can feel myself grow flustered skin burning bright red I quiver finding myself drawn in With a kiss you tease my senses fingertips trace along my chest the light touch making my skin crawl, a soft sound leaving me I blush finding myself drawn in with a touch you tease my senses You voice sounds sweet like honey a gentle lullaby that drowns pain silent, I listen intently I smile finding myself drawn in with a word you tease my senses I breath in, your aroma drives me wild so sweet, like the most delicate of fruits pausing, taking the moment to savor I shiver finding myself drawn in, with your scent you tease my senses I look upon your form, eyes drawn back into your own I've fallen in love with you, your eyes, find me drawn in with your beauty you tease my senses. A balance?
Thanx for sharing that. A balance between externalizing,internalizing and just being.Films,music,art,writing,self-refelction when needed,and just focusing on the now,the moment.The wind,nature,the smells around you,feeling grass beneath your feet,the sky,not analyzing or judging,just taking things as they come. I suppose I sound like a huge weirdo now hehe
It does ---------- Post added 29th Mar 2014 at 01:28 AM ---------- Whether taken literally or figuratively(that is another topic entirely though) ---------- Post added 29th Mar 2014 at 01:31 AM ---------- I walk in the rain.I have gotten some weird glances I suppose.I still do it though hehe
The rain can be both soothing and invigorating for me...Its almost like it enhances my creativity to some extent as well(its not a fixed belief hehe)...I love winter.I feel so awake alive and aware when the weather is cold/chilly.My mood just lifts and my days are much more productive.Weirdly enough,winter has a type of beauty to it as well for me.
I see. I don't fair well in the cold myself. It kills things for me cause I'm shivering to death. I actually prefer Fall more. I love the way things look in Fall. ^^
Oh.I just dress warmly.I get cold easily because I am skinny...I like Fall as well...I used to make leave "castles''(erm can not think of an appropriate word.Heaps sound so meh) from the leaves that fell from the trees when younger...I like all the seasons to some extent but summer is probably my least favorite...
Hehe you have a point...I usually can not wait for it to be over hahaha.How does a person function in such heat??! Winter-the word itself already brings up images in my mind...And there are so many adjectives that can be used to describe that particular season...