The BIG Married and Gay thread..

Married 18 years, 2 kids, finally coming to terms with my sexuality. Although, the thought of negatively impacting my family is killing me. (Living apart, etc.)

However finally admitting my sexuality to myself for the first time is amazing. I am trying to figure out how to move forward...

 

Hi,

I tried to minimize impact by waiting till the youngest was 18 and accepted to college. I walked away with nothing except clothes, vehicle and a couple grand. Tough sledding but I am sledding.

In reality... I only really eased my own conscious. It was important to me though.

Being a stay at home dad there was no loss of income. Matter of fact their expenses went down with me gone.

Ther are many, many approaches to this. Mine is just one.

Welcome.

Tom

 

Welcome, cookout1. I joined the group this week as well. Same boat...trying to figure out how to move forward.

 

Welcome to the tribe comingout1 :smilewave

There is no road map. It's like we're now all on the same highway and each of our on-ramps may look the same, but we're all coming from different places driving different vehicles to get there hitting different bups and detours along the way.

We're always here for each other. Don't be shy about whatever's on your mind. Someone been there or knows where to get help. (*hug*)

 

So we are the AAA of GAY? LOL

Tim... Your right directional has been blinking two years now. Ha ha ha

Tom

 

One last question: if someone of the same sex came onto you during your formative, married years, someone you yourself desired, how do you think you'd respond? Would you be open to it, would you resist? Did it ever happen? Would it be a blessing in disguise, or just plain out trouble?

 

Hi,

Highly unlikely to have occurred. That was when I was most DETERMINED that the marriage would work.

As I have mentioned elsewhere my ability to befriend men who turn out to be masculine closeted gays is uncanny. Call it intuition or gaydar or coincidence it happens.

With that in mind I avoided male friendships during the 21 years of marriage.

I took precautions against the scenario you propose.

Tom

 

Good luck Richie. Curious to see how it went

 

Ya it is a little disappointing to find a group that isn't exactly what you are looking for. The one group I found was for bisexuals but they are mostly female so kind of hard to relate. But I guess you have to start somewhere right?

 

Hey there. Came out fifteen years ago, while in college, only to hop right back in the closet after a rather negative reaction from my adoptive mother. Married my best friend shortly after--nice guy, has always known I'm a lesbian (not bisexual), had his own (non-sexual-identity) issues to work through. (It was a mutual understanding of sorts.) We have two boys (8 and 3) and a decent life, but the older I get--and the more the world seems to change--the more I feel like I'm missing a piece of myself. I'm getting braver about it--about doing something about it--but I'm just not there yet.

 

Hi all,

Some will know I just joined about a week or so ago. I hadn't yet seen this thread so thank you for making it visible again.
There are lots of folks it seems, in the same place I am. That, all by itself, is so good to know as I feel so terribly alone with this.
I have to say, I have let 4 people now in on my personal situation and having their support is amazing BUT it (they) all seem to be driving me forward to come out. At times this is really helpful but fills me with marital panic, at other times it is supportive to know they feel it will ultimately be ok.

EC is already providing me with a slightly different piece from guys in the same boat. EC members also remind me that it is my journey to take at my pace and in my way. That non-judgemental support is very helpful.

I travel a fair bit for work and am away from home now which gives me respite from that closet. However, it also makes me want to make sure I'm not headed out the door when I open this big conversation with my wife. Timing for her, and me!

 

In a relationship with a hetero-married gay man. I support him and love him. But, I too, have no one I can discuss this situation with. Both of us in our 40 - he just turned 40 and I will soon be 46. At times I feel very lost and alone.

 

I'd point him here. There are a lot of us that he could relate to, all at different points in the process.

I can see where that would be very hard for you. It adds a whole new set of rules to the relationship, and kind of forces you a little bit back into the closet yourself. How close is he to making any kind of changes in his life? Being involved with an out gay man could give him a lot more motivation, but it could also have the opposite effect, of feeling that he's already got someone, so there is no rush to change the status quo.

I'd say make sure you communicate about it, a lot. A gay man who is trying to get out of a straight marriage is very absorbed in the process--telling his wife, dealing with a divorce, kids--there are many details to work out. That could make you feel very left out at times, just because of logistics--there are only so many hours in a day. He needs to know that you support him and can give him the space to resolve the issues surrounding his marriage, but he also needs to know that you are part of the relationship too, and need to be acknowledged and included in his life.

That assumes he is actually working towards coming out? If he isn't, you'll want to be very careful, for your own sake. A married guy with a boyfriend and no intention of coming out would make for a very unsatisfying relationship in the long run.

 

Thanks Choirboy. He is very close to coming out. It's harder and harder for him to deny himself and continue on as things are very day.

As for what you said about communication, you have just echoed my own thoughts and what I have conveyed to him. I let him know that I support him and am there for him, but let him know that I'm in this, too. SOOOOO many hours in the day and I do, indeed, feel left out at times. I've told him that he has to keep me in the loop as to his thoughts and all. He says that sometimes he doesn't know how to put into words what he's thinking. I told him to tell me that then and not leave me wondering.

We communicate on a daily basis - text, calls, Facebook messages and we get opportunities to be alone a few hours a week. He would like it to be more...so would I...but we take what we can for now.

 

I can relate. Completely, totally, absolutely. Whatever time you can find together is golden. I hope he finds his way here. It sounds like you both have something that is worth showing the world.