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The BIG Married and Gay thread..

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Richie., Feb 9, 2014.

  1. Hi everyone!
    I've been with my husband for 11 years and married 5 years. Together we have 2 little girls who are 9 years old and 1 year old. I love my husband very much and am still very much sexually attracted to him. But I have this "other side" I haven't fully explored. At the moment, I consider myself bisexual/fluid. I seem to have gay days and then straight days...lately, it's been more confused days.

    I'm terrified of regret and that's why I'm here...very nice to meet you all =)
     
  2. tscott

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    I said camp...not camping...hot and cold running water, indoor plumbing, beds...on a lake maybe, with loons...send the kids out in tents...I'm not talking Sagamore, but dis ol' bear don' sleep on no ground or s**t in de woods for dat matter.:roflmao:

    Welcome browneyedgirl:smilewave
     
  3. Yossarian

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    Married for 24 years, 1 adult child 23 years old, with one foot sort of sticking out the closet door at the moment, and a few people peeking in the crack, wondering exactly what they are looking at; sometimes I am too. :rolle:
     
  4. Hey Penpal,
    I'm wondering the same thing with regards to your marriage. Do you still have feelings for your husband/men in general? - or have things changed and you now see yourself better with another woman?
     
  5. farmgirl

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    Hi all
    Married for 20 years with two kids almost grown. I came out to my husband a couple of years ago but things are strained now. I remember when I told him I that I was a lesbian; I had this moment of clarity but then when my hubby started planning to leave I began to think perhaps I wasn't a lesbian. How could I love him so much if I was? Or is it just fear? It is so confusing! I have no idea how to define myself as (I put bi cause I don't know) my hubby thinks I am repressing being a lesbian and feels I will grow to resent him but I know I don’t want to divorce. He wants me to explore my sexuality but would like to be involved. I don't know how I feel about that. I have very little experience with anyone but my husband and wasn’t the type to have casual sex. The councilor I work for does not think following through with this is a wise move. I am hoping to talk with more married and confused people. lol
     
  6. Choirboy

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    It's a very confusing situation to be in. I can see where being asked to "explore' with him as a participant would be terribly awkward for you, and (without judging him, either) might be a little more of a fantasy on his part than exploration on yours.

    I and also at the 20-year mark with 2 teenage kids, and came out to my wife Labor Day weekend. We're staying together for now and she has been very accepting of me as gay theoretically but it remains to be seen whether she is just talking the talk, or if she can actually swish the swish. She's got numerous emotional issues which have strained our relationship on their own, but I can't hate her and don't want to hurt her. The time for adjustment helps, but in your case, if it's been a couple years, perhaps it's time to think a little more in terms of what you want for the future? You may love him, but are you in love with him? There are no easy answers....
     
  7. Samson

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    Hi,

    Married for 15 years, 4 kids (10, 12, 13,15), out to my wife last April and to my parent last week! I qualify myself as almost gay (but never experiment, so pretty hard to say if it is only inside my head or not, still trying to figure this out). My wife is very supportive, the first months has been quite a roller coaster, but now it is more peaceful.

    Tom
     
  8. StillAround

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    I guess one of my questions would be why he wants to be involved. Does he love you so much that he truly wants to share the experience with you, to help you figure this out, to still be intimate with you in this way? Or, sorry to ask the question this way, but has he maybe had his own fantasy about this scenario that he wants to explore?

    I've reached the point where I think of "normal" as mental construct, not reality. There is no normal, and everything is normal.

    All that said, I guess I'd ask him directly why he wants to be involved, and then have a conversation with your therapist. Maybe invite your hubby to join you in therapy for a session, or even a fraction of one.

    But my gut tells me that, no matter what your husband's motives, your therapist may be right. you need to come to know yourself first, and then figure out how the true you move forward.

    Best wishes.(&&&)
     
  9. Choirboy

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    It's such a huge relief when the spouse is supportive! (Who can blame them for putting us through a roller coaster ride at the start, really? Especially considering that one that WE'RE on.) And having a parent that knows is a good thing--expands your support network.

    Chances are this is not just "in your head". Being gay isn't something that you really have to prove to yourself, and even if you've never experimented, most likely if you feel it, it's the truth.....
     
  10. Samson

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    Choirboy,

    You are right on, it is really helpful having the support of your closest relatives! And yes, my feeling inside says to me that I'm gay (still hard to write it down ...), but on the other hand I love my wife so much and we have a really strong relationship, even the sexuality improves a lot since my coming out. So sometime, I just wish that is all bad dream...

     
  11. Choirboy

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    I really only identify as gay, not bi, so I'll defer to those a little more in the know on that subject! But if you're bi and really do love your wife, I can see where your relationship would improve if that secret is out and she supports you. That's a dream come true, not a bad dream! If tend to say the two of you might want to work with a therapist (if you're not already), but you're lucky to have a loving and supportive spouse--and so is she. Make sure you remember that as well!
     
  12. Samson

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    This identity question could derailed the current thread which I would not like to do. But one thing is clear in my mind is that I'm not straight, that I have a wonderful lovely wife and now I'm looking for ways to be living as authentic as possible! And... I need to get back to work :wink:
     
  13. Flutters1980

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    Hello! I am a lesbian in a heterosexual marriage. I feel so incredibly blessed that my husband is so supportive!
     
    #53 Flutters1980, Feb 12, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2014
  14. Penpal

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    Hi Browneyedgirl. I am still attracted to men but I think because I have no experience with women I need to see what it's like. There has been a development in my marriage now which makes me think I need to move on. One step at a time though. Finding all of this difficult but I have accepted that I am not straight. It only took me 38 years :slight_smile: How are things with you? Xxx
     
  15. Molly1977

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    Why is it that so many gay people enter into straight marriages? Is it due to lonliness, society pressure or beliving that if you try really hard you can be something that you are not.

    I'm not judging anyone, ive tried to date boys in the past, I was just interested?
     
    #55 Molly1977, Feb 13, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2014
  16. skiff

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    Hi,

    During the years of slavery why did some light skinned Blacks try to pass as white? During WWII why did some Jews try to pass as Christian in Nazi Germany?

    Oppressed, discriminated, against people's of a variety of demographics have tried to escape the oppression of discrimination by blending in.

    You realize that into the 1960's is was illegal for the US government to have a contract with a gay owned company, or any company that had a gay employee?

    You are aware that the Nazi's ran gays through the ovens too?

    You are aware of Mathew Shepherd who was tied to a fence and pistol whipped and murdered for being gay?

    You are aware of the thousands upon thousands of gay people given the choice by parents; "be straight of we don't pay for college"?

    There are a million variations as to why gay individuals choose to consciously or unconsciously deny their sexuality to avoid the oppression, discrimination, rejection, and violence of the past.

    It still goes on today. Survival - emotional and physical.

    Just my opinion.

    Tom
     
  17. KyleD

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    How do you manage to be physically intimate with your spouse when you're gay? Just wondering how you guys do that.
     
  18. Choirboy

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    Well, early on, it really wasn't particularly difficult. It still feels good, even if you're not necessarily doing what you would prefer to be doing. And remember, for many of us, our mindset was that we were supposed to be straight, and we were supposed to be enjoying it, so there was a certain amount of self-delusion going on.

    Really, though, I married my wife because she was the first woman I felt enough of a connection with to marry and be intimate with. Because I felt more for her than I had for any of the (few) other women I dated, I assumed it was as good as it was ever supposed to be, and I was finally where I belonged. It took some years before I began to realize that the emotional component was lacking. Although it has sounded tempting and appealing over the years to have sex with people I wasn't emotionally close to, in the end I know that's just not me--sex has to be part of a whole-body, whole-mind connection with someone. That eventually made it impossible for me to be intimate with her, because I realized that I could never have the connection with a woman that I would with a man. Physically, I'd still be willing to have straight sex if I had a connection to the person--"lady parts" don't gross me out or anything like that! But despite that, in the end, the complete lack of an emotional connection eventually made the straight sex impossible.
     
  19. Yossarian

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    There is the emotional component of feeling that someone wants to have sex with you, as well as the physical stimulation that accompanies the "excitement" of the situation. Also realize that people are rarely simplistically 100% gay, straight, or anything else. "Gay" men may be more attracted to some women than they are to some men simply on physical grounds. *I* would be more attracted to a highly toned woman with slim bronzed body and washboard abs, than I would be to a grossly overweight man, pale as a sheet, with sagging man-boobs and a chubby face; someone else might be entirely the opposite.

    There is also the factor of wanting to be straight, and trying to play that role, when you don't fully understand your own sexuality and what it is supposed to feel like to be straight, which can lead to the excitement of the moment that triggers sexual arousal. Later, as is often the case related here, repeating the situation and understanding your emotions about it better, can cause eventual disinterest, which may also be reflected in your partner's enthusiasm as they sense you aren't fully invested in the situation. These and a hundred other reasons of a subtle nature.

    Lets face it, a woman's vagina is a warm, slippery, friendly place designed to please a penis inserted in it to encourage human reproduction. Everything does not have to be "perfect" for sexual intercourse to take place and feel good at the moment, particularly if you are trying to be a good and thoughtful loving husband who cares about his wife and her happiness. The number of gay married men with children attests to this fact in concrete evidence.
     
  20. GayDadStr8Marig

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    @KyleD: I have to concur with both StillAround and Yossarian on their points. There's a certain level of disconnect that goes on between the physical and emotional.

    @Molly1977: I'd say skiff nailed it on the head with that response, certain got me pegged for sure. Combine that with StillAround's response to KyleD and it's a pretty descriptive picture of how we delude ourselves into thinking it will work out just fine... and a lot of times it does... for a while.