Hey guys — A guy I know from high school just came out as gay, and he now goes to the same university as me. He was definitely much more than an acquaintance, but calling him a good friend would also be a stretch. (For instance, we never texted/Facebook messaged/tweeted each other or anything like that except for a few odd occasions.) However, we had some deep conversations a few times and there was one point where I thought we had the opportunity to be close, but he moved away. I think this may have been because I sensed he was gay, he knew I was gay (I think – though I never announced it, I was pretty much totally out), and there might have been a small bit of romantic attraction and he was frightened, but that could also be reading into things way too much. Plus, I think he's way out of my league – he's quite attractive. I've bumped into this guy a few times since I've moved cities to go to university, and I see him a lot but generally avoid him because he's a pretty cool guy and I'm a bit awkward when it comes to small talk. He also lives in the same apartment block as me. So, I just found out that he came out a few weeks ago. I'm not sure how long ago, really. I bumped into him about three weeks ago (couldn't help it) and he was overwhelmingly nice about a number of things that happened to me, which isn't his style (normally a bit arrogant), and it did strike me as odd at the time, but it mightn't mean anything. I don't know if this was before or after he came out. It seemed like he wanted to keep the conversation going, but I was tired, and I didn't think he would give a crap if I just said I'd see him around. Anyway, I would like to have a chat with him about him coming out or whatever, but I don't know the best way to go about it. I presume messaging him is probably a bad idea, so I'm just wondering what I would say if I bumped into him? And possibly see if there is any interest from his side romantically/sexually? (Maybe too soon, but you know what I mean.) Thanks guys! :icon_bigg
For instance: first idea I had to bring it up if I bump into him would be "I heard your news!" but after some consideration I thought this might not be the best option.
Well... I would just ask him out... When you bump into him: *Regular conversations for a minute or so* You: "Hey, um, did you want to go get a coffee between classes sometime / see a film sometime / whatever" Him: "Oh yeah, sure." You don't even need to make it sound like a date or mention that you or him are gay... I think it's pretty safe
OK, thanks! I just think it would be a bit odd – I've had discussions on here about this kind of thing before – to just ask him outright to go for a coffee/see a film/etc. I suppose I just want to add some pretence into it so that it sounds normal or something. Like: "if you want to go for a coffee and have a chat about anything just message me ..." Get what I'm saying? Bad idea?
Coffee is safest and non-threatening. Maybe even lunch at a campus hangout. You can talk there. You may become friends, if there was a friendly vibe before. You may not become any more than that. However, you may have gained a friend, and that's good.
Having come from a time long ago [cue prehistoric music], when texting, FB, tweeting and all the other technology did not exist, deep conversations were enough to forge deep bonds of friendship. Absolutely worth re-kindling, the embers are still glowing! Do meet him and suggest a little date somewhere, all you have to lose is the question: "will he?"
Coffee is a great idea. When you eventually go, I would just be upfront with him. "I asked you out for coffee because I heard that you had recently come out and I wanted to see how you were doing; and make sure you know that you always have someone to talk to. " Don't over-think things. Clearly he enjoyed your company in high school and was making efforts to start up a conversation a few weeks ago.
Thanks! Makes sense. I hope I'm not overstating the "deep conversations", but sometimes they did get pretty personal – and thinking back – I think I'm probably right to call them deep. Good God, though: I'm not sure about the whole date thing. Bit inexperienced in that field. Am pretty sure I would be on here panicked at the thought of that, but I'll mull it over. Ah! "Don't over-think things." I wish it were so simple. I am a serial over-thinker! I think you are spot on though. I always put myself down, though, and think that there is no way anyone could say he enjoyed my company, because that sounds quite ridiculous and self-congratulatory, but he probably did. So ... coffee and upfront straight away is a good idea, I think.