My son just told me he thinks he's gay

Hey HisMom
Big hug from me--I am another Mom who found out recently that my son is bi.

A great way to have some of these "awkward" conversations, about what he is feeling, etc. is through instant message on Skype, or via text.

You can both have time to think through and mentally react to any statements/questions, without being "on the spot."

I had a fabulous 2 hour "conversation" with my son this way the other night. We talked about some things I know it would have been hard to discuss in person. I also discovered his wicked sense of humor, and that he hates emoticons.

I don't know what works for you, but I encouraged my son to tell his Dad (he told me first). I knew my husband would be okay with it. He still was nervous, and wrote him a note instead.

It has been a turning point for all of us--and he is so much happier and more open with us.

A parent owes their child unconditional love--that is how we teach them to love others in turn, which makes life worthwhile.

 

You’re just the most amazing mother!

 

Parenting: you're doing it right! It's okay to feel a little nervous for him, that shows you are concerned for your child's safety and well being. Sure, it's easier to be gay now than in the past, but it isn't always easy, and it would definitely be easier to "just be like everyone else" and be straight if you could do that, but it just doesn't work that way. You seem to understand that, and you have shown your son that you are willing to listen and that you love him no matter what. That is the most important thing in helping him to be happy and have healthy relationships as he grows up. Sure, others might do or say mean things from time to time, but he now knows he has a solid support network at home and you will listen to him and love him no matter what. It was probably pretty scary for him to tell you this, but getting such an accepting response will let him know he can turn to you with anything he needs to in the future.

 

I'm following your story with great interest and admiration. Your son is so lucky to have you. He is, also, the same boy he was on November 13. You just know something about him now that you didn't then.

Nothing you've done suggests that you're going to lose him. The more you learn about his feelings and being the parent of an LGBT child in general, the better you will be able to be there for him in the future. Like every other boy (and man), he still needs his mom, and he'll want his mom to be there when he's got pre-date jitters or a broken heart. All that's different is the gender of the person he's talking about might be different from what you'd anticipated.

Keep learning, keep talking, keep listening. And I'll say again how lucky your son is to have you.

 

"I have no idea what will change outwardly"

You might find that while nothing significant changes, your relationship may improve. Thinking you need to hide something like this is really hard because you have to be so careful about what you do and say. Now he doesn't have to do that around you it's one less thing he'll have to think of and worry about. Plus he's told you the biggest thing that is ever going to have happened to him so far in life and you've been amazing. So now he KNOWS he can trust you and tell you things that worry him, even if they are difficult to say.


"I have no idea if I have a gay son, a bi son or (least likely) a straight son but it's like my whole life is a before and after November 14th. It's the only time I've felt totally unprepared for parenthood and it's the only time I ever looked at one of my kids and thought I could lose them if I did things wrong."

Totally unprepared? UNPREPARED!? If half the parents I knew took the time to think 'I don't know how to deal with this properly, I'd better ask people with experience' then it would make the lives of the children I know soooo much easier. You may not be prepared right now, but you've certainly taken exactly the right steps to combat it.


"I'm sure I didn't do things 100% right but I feel like I've got a solid B+ here and I can move it up to an A. "

When I meet someone who handles this situation 100% correctly I'll show you someone who doesn't give a flying damn about their child. Everyone gets bits of it wrong because it's your child! YOUR BABY. That little blob of skin and bones you like so very very much. If you managed to nail every single aspect of this perfectly I'd assume you just absorbed a book and forgot it was happening to someone you love...seriously though, look at this thread. So many people saying 'You did so good' 'I wish you were my mum!' and so on. We are all super proud of you (as condescending as I'm sure that sounds) and as it has been said by others, please do stick around, we are always happy to help, ESPECIALLY someone who takes as much care to be considerate as you have done!

"Anyhow I'm super rambly and very lonely because I can't tell anyone and I feel a need to talk. It's all very strange because one if the biggest moments in my life isn't even my moment. It's his."

I know it's not the same as talking to a real-life person but I doubt there is anyone who has replied to this thread who wouldn't be happy to discuss bits and pieces if you shoot us a message!

 

It's ok, Mom. It is not as bad as you have heard for those of us with support. The fact you accept him will give him the strength to presevere. It's when we have no one that it gets terrible. Besides, the world is changing and so many younger kids are coming out at younger ages.

My youngest is now 14, but she came out as Bi at 13, and I am a Lesbian. The same fears that you have crossed my mind. Fears of her not being accepted, not finding a loving relationship, and knowing how the LGBT community can marginalize bisexuals all crossed my mind. I personally began questioning me being gay at about 15 or 16, and I felt that 13 seemed so young! Children are so much more aware now and realize that they CAN be more than just straight, so they figure it out sooner, rather than refusing to believe it like my generation did. Their friends are SO much more 'cool' and accepting with it and they shrug it off as nothing these days. So, what you are feeling is completely natural for a loving parent.

I would just let him know that you love him, and gay or not it makes no difference. To date who he wants to when he gets older, and make sure he has up to date sexual ed for gay kids. He may dedcide later he is not gay, or he may decide he was right all along. Don't be surpised if he dates both guys and girls in an effort to find out. Sexuality is fluid, but the fact he 'thinks' he is gay and wants to inform you of it, tells me that he most likely is. Also, I would find out some different gay adults for heroes he can look up to. This will reassure him that he does not have to fit any one stereotype to be considered gay. There really is no one stereotype, and it will reassure you Mom that it does get better and he can be sucessful. For instance:

Wentworth Miller( the younger brother on Prison Break)
Jim Parsons(Sheldon on Big Bang Theory)
Sir Ian McKellen(Magneto and Gandolf)
Guillermo Diaz(Featherweight boxer)
Robbie Rogers(Soccer star)
Steve Grand(Musician)

Just to name a few off the top of my head. We all want our kids to be happy, but you are doing the right thing for him supporting and accepting him. That is all that really needs to be done for now.

 

Coming out to whomever, whenever is your son's choice to make. But I definitely understand your feeling alone in this right now. There's no reason your husband should blame you for this, because you made him gay as much as you made him write with the hand he writes with. The fact that you come from a relatively open-minded place and send your son to school with children of LGBT parents suggest to me that your husband is at least somewhat familiar with LGBT issues and knows it's just the way people are born.

You might ask your son why he chose to tell you now, and what's keeping him from telling more people. As much as you may want to tell your husband so that you feel better, it's up to him.

 

You need to communicate with your son ASAP about the stress this is causing you about keeping the secret from your husband; the longer you let this go, the worse it is going to be when he decides to talk to his dad; he needs to understand that. Make certain he understands that you will be there for him, supporting him, no matter what his dad's reaction is. This whole situation is so typical of the problems caused by "secrets" kept from people, including the Big One, which is the unavoidable reality in the room. Don't let keeping secrets become a bigger problem than the secret being kept, but also keep it until you convince him to come out to his father, because that is his reassurance that you "have his back" and will continue to support him no matter what his dad's reaction is.

 

Just tell your husband and ask him to keep it to himself for the time being. Then gently encourage your son over a period of time to tell his father about it.

 

DO NOT DO THIS. Just do not do this or any and all respect you've gained will be lost in an instant. Just don't, I am literally begging you.

Talk to your son about his father. Ask him about why he doesn't feel up to telling him yet. Offer to be there with him when he does. You can offer to tell his father for him if you like. But don't do ANYTHING without your sons permission because you won't earn that trust back. Not easily and not for a long time.

 

Amazing! :eek:

 

Please do NOT do this. No matter how well intentioned you may be in doing this, it will upset him and make him feel like he can't trust you. My brother outed me to my parents, and although he had good intentions, I was still incredibly hurt, upset, and lost faith that I could trust him with my secrets for a while. Over time, I did begin to realize he hadn't meant to hurt me, and I have forgiven him, but it took a while.

I would suggest talking to your son. Explain to him that you really think his dad will be okay, and maybe suggest that you go talk to him together so if he gets nervous and needs some back up, he has it. You could even practice what he wants to say together if he would like. Let him know that you understand if he isn't ready, but you would really like for him to let him know as soon as he feels ready and that you will be there to support him whenever that comes.

 

You know, when I first suspected my son was gay or bi, I remember how hard it was, and what a lonely place that was. I couldn't talk to him, because I respected his right to choose the time and place to come out, as well as his comfort level. (Although at one point I thought he would wait til he was in his 20s!) And I didn't mention my suspicions to my husband, because what if I was wrong?

But imagine, too, how lonely your son has been with this secret. I'm sure he has had it longer than you! But--he turned to you, and confided, and this is such an incredible act of trust. Kudos to you--you responded in a loving, accepting way. Which is exactly what he needed at the time. Unconditional love and acceptance.

Maybe he is building up to telling the rest of the family, thinking ahead to the rest of his world. He has a lot to think about. If he knows you are there, it will make his journey a happier one.

You're on a journey too. A little frightening at first, a lot to think about, true...but I ask you, and anybody out there--why can't your family *still* be awesome? My son is still the same boy; I still love him. I think I worry more about his grades in school than his sexuality. Nobody is perfect, and I don't really believe in "perfect" families. Will you have a wonderful son, who has a close relationship with you? I think you know the answer to that already.

Keep the lines of communication open. Find out how he imagines telling his Dad. (Has he imagined it?) I hope he does soon, because while it worried my son, it was no big deal. And it was a huge relief for all of us that everything was finally out in the open.

Best wishes...I am thinking of you.