My son just told me he thinks he's gay

Thanks for asking! I would say that you should probably just continue down the path of being supportive, but tell him if he's gay, that's okay, and you love and support him, and that you'll defend him.

The thing is, many of our members here have known they were gay before the age of 12. It's not uncommon. I, however, didn't know I was bisexual until 14. So, your mileage may very.

The trick is, if your son already knows he's gay, your encouraging him to explore and not label himself might feel to him like you're invalidating what he already knows. I think a better approach might be to accept it but encourage him to let you know about his feelings in a few months... As he tries to negotiate being gay in a society that--while moving in the right direction--hates us, I'm sure he'll have questions for you.

Yours in sisterhood, Adrian

 

Show him love and affection, and accept him for what he is.

About the age thing, some people know earlier and some people take longer to figure out their sexuality. My boyfriend knew from day one when he first started getting interested in sex that he liked males, and not females. I on the other hand, look back at my life and see that I was gay the whole time but didn't realize that I liked men until I was 14 and that I was gay, and not bisexual when I was 18, just several months ago.

Don't tell him yea or nay whether you think he's gay (Whoa, I'm a poet!), but just be accepting, and be proud of him that he was comfortable and courageous enough to tell you, especially considering he's 12 years old! I'm 18 and still haven't told my parents.

 

Hello there, welcome to EC! Yes, sexuality in your coming of age years can sometimes be confusing, but some people can "know" they're not straight at an earlier age (I was 8 or 9 when I realized I was "different"). Labels are for clothes, not people, I agree with you on that, but even though sexuality isn't really as clear cut as straight and gay, black and white, if someone wants to give themselves a label, I say let them. I think the most important thing is to be there for your son no matter what he ends up being (gay, straight, big, etc.), but I see no problems with that because you seem like a wonderful mother, who's concerned for her baby, which is common.

TL;DR: if he's straight, that's cool. If he's not, that's cool too, just be there for him and be supportive.

 

I agree on how you've handled everything thus far. I also think that your "on the fence" posture, given that he's 12, is also prudent. His comment about watching movies and such are honest feelings he's pondering and sharing. That he's come to you to tell you already says a lot about what a great mom you probably are. I think you should in fact keep the trust right now and probably not discuss it with your husband. There was probably a reason your son gave that stipulation and, while it doesn't indicate anything one way or the other about your husband, it may simply indicate he's comfortable sharing this with one person - you - and there might be some concern on your son's behalf as to how your husband may react. The fact that you articulate your concerns and feelings for your son the way you do here probably make it clear to him that you love and support him. You sound like a neat lady. I would merge the advice you receive here. People here are generally happy to lend a hand.

 

All I can say is I wish my mother was so supportive. I feel like people generally think that a certain age is "too young" but really, usually we just know. I knew I liked other women for as long as I can remember, although I was in denial about it until I was about 18. I think since society is becoming more and more accepting, kids are also starting to become more and more accepting with their own sexuality. I wasn't so lucky, I fear for what my parents would think. As it turns out, although my mother wasn't so pleased, my father, a conservative, was surprisingly okay with it. Seeing as to how he's able to open up to you so young, shows how much of an openminded, loving parent you are, and I applaud you. I think you should just accept him and love him for who he is, like you said, sexuality is fluid. He might be gay, he might not be, whatever he chooses to be or not be, whoever he chooses to love, just be there for him and accept him. That's all that matters I think.

 

A lot of times what I think happens is that the parent who is supportive will be the one (or both) who have had gay or lesbian siblings, cousins, other relatives, or colleagues who they were fond of and cared about, and saw a person beyond the label.

 

Hello welcome I think it great that you are supportive of your son x

 

Hi HisMom

Welcome to EC, you are a fantastic mom for being so supportive, open minded, and loving. So many times I have been saddened by what I read on here by kids who have been given a hard time by their parents or even beaten up by them; your post is a refreshing change. You are also not the only mom on the site so perhaps the other moms will get in touch with you to share notes and experiences.

I totally agree with you that sexuality is confusing, it had me confused for years, but since I worked out I was actually gay and could put a label on my feelings I felt so much better and part of something. So although your son doesn’t have to label himself yet, or at any time in the future, he may actually feel better by doing so. To try and put it another way I think it’s a bit like going to the doctor with a collection of obscure symptoms, you know there is something going on and feel worried and confused, the doctor tells you you’ve got XYZ and although it may be something you don’t want to hear you still feel better for having a name for what you are feeling and you can start to understand it.

I am wondering how much of you not yet wanting your son to label himself as gay is down to you thinking he needs more time working things out be sure, and how much is down to being worried that he may be bullied at school and in later life if he feels and acts more stereotypically gay?

I am guessing you are from the USA where being gay is more accepted than in other parts of the world but it may be helpful to those offering advice if you could let us know if you live in a more liberal big town area or in a more religious conservative small town environment because I would guess the advice offered would be different.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Tell him its ok to be who he is not just w/his sexuality but all of who he is. Mom to Mom I'm proud of you! The young teen me who was punished for being a lesbian thinks you are an awesome Mom & wishes she could give you a hug! (*hug*)

 

I'll say this and only this. Give the poor thing an enormous hug. Like RIGHT NOW. Several in fact and thank him for trusting you enough to tell you!!

My mum didn't when I told her and it broke my god damn heart, and I'm 23!

 

I would suggest to tell him that you are glad he has come to you trusting that you will keep his secret from his father for now, but that there is no reason he should feel that he has to keep it a secret, because there is nothing wrong with realizing who you are naturally attracted to. Also tell him that when he is ready to share this with his father, then it will be easier for him to bring his male friends to the house without feeling awkward, so he ought to think about trusting his father to accept his feelings and his chosen friends, and that you will help him any way he needs you to when he is ready to take that step.

I think he already knows how much you love him and has shown that by coming out to you at a time in his life when he is totally vulnerable and dependent on you for your support and approval, but the close contact of hugs is always comforting and reassuring.

 

I know its not the same but I am PROUD of you! Big Hug! (*hug*)(*hug*) -Rose

 

hi im 12 and out to some of my friends and my mom so i can kinda relate and i get it you might be worried but all he probaly wants is to be acepted and be happy that he trusts you enough to tell you also i would keep it a secret from his dad just so he can come out when he feels comfortable enough to

sincerly syd

 

Good to know. Seriously though, say 'thank you for trusting me'. I think one of the most amazing things my dad has ever done for me is recognizing that it took a hell of a lot of courage for me to tell him I was bi, because a lot of people don't.

Well done! Always lovely to see a parent who cares enough to ask for help!

____

Thanks Rose <3 (*hug*)