Struggling to see way ahead after coming out to wife

Thanks guys. It's still hard. There's not a day goes past without me thinking about how I have found myself in the place I am in in life. I think back to the nights I'd lie in bed and think about what it would be like to sleep with another man; to hold him or come home to him after work. I used to just think it was a fantasy - a dream that I'd never experience and, in truth, I'd never have made the conscious decision to break from my family on the 'off-chance' how I felt was real.

Sometimes it takes something so compelling that you have no choice but to face what's there. And then deal with it. When your back is against the wall you have to do what's right for you. I figure it'll always find a way out if you try and force yourself into a way of life or make a choice that you know is, deep down, inherently not right for you.

I'm just taking each day and week as I find it. Maybe in a few months I'll feel more able to start planning ahead a bit further. Until then - going with the flow is fine.

 

What I find most hard is that the feeling I have for her - as someone who I care for and want to see happy - hasn't diminished. But there's a part of me that WILL NOT let me go back. It's the part of me that says "you know, I know how much you miss the fun times with her, the laughing and the 'family things' - but you're being true to yourself now. You've lived with this most of your life and now have the opportunity to be at ease with yourself. Yeah, it might've hurt others, but I'm making sure that you take care of you and that you look after yourself from now on"

Like you this is a path I never imagined I'd be walking. It's as if it really is just one step at a time and see where it goes. To plan ahead and rush off on some personal mission, in my own head, would feel wrong, selfish and like I didn't care about her happiness or that of my family which I desperately do want to be happy and to be able for all of us to live happily in the future, albeit separately.

 

Oh, I've thought that it was all just a bit of a mistake and that I somehow found myself in the situation where I kind-of-liked feeling the rough stubble of a man's face against mine as he kissed me, or sleeping with a guy...yeah it all just sort of happened and I must've just thought - "well, why not?" :/

I relate to the whole 'emerging threat' part of my sexuality. It just began to grow stronger as time went on. Being attracted to someone of the same sex - and it being reciprocated - just messed my head up completely and really just triggered something inside and made me even more 'discontented' with my life as it was. I'm not saying it's a bed of roses now - but it's down to me to make it work now and there's nothing in my way really to prevent that.

 

Today for some reason I'm feeling quite low. I'm missing the old life of family all being together. I'm feeling a bit discontented with everything. I've not really seen my guy that much this week. A couple of short meets but not spending good long time with each other. I'm feeling a lot of guilt as my wife is struggling a bit with things. She gets days when she just feels very lonely. I just feel crap and want to make things ok for her. It's times like that I just think how much easier it would be for her if I went back to the old family life. I wonder if I'd be able to shut it all away again. It's like having a split personality sometimes.

Just feeling a bit down that's all. I'm tired too which won't help me. Always feel worse when I've not had good sleep.

 

Duplicate

 

So things are back on a reasonably even keen again with my wife. It's hard, but I just need to keep focusing on being there for her and my kids and being the reassuring strength that I promised to be to them all.

Spent some good quality time with my guy the other day - we went away for a couple of days into the country. Nice country walks, local pub, good food, great night time

So four months or so I've been seeing him. Still feel good about spending time with him; enjoy making plans to go to the movies or out for meals or away for short breaks. I don't feel like we're living in each others pockets and we give each other space which is nice too.

I just feel really relaxed with him - I don't feel the need to try and be someone I'm not with him. And I'm really comfortable being with him, and people we meet knowing we are together as a couple rather than just 'friends'

 

(&&&)Ukguy I know the feeling well. I still feel hurt when I think about it. That's over five months since it all ended. I think I was just a bit of comfort and security and yeah maybe he did care about me but clearly not enough. I think I'm over him and then every now and again it just hits me again. Look after yourself and care for yourself. I found I needed to proverbially wrap my own arms around myself for a bit and pick myself up. Friends were great at boosting my confidence afterwards.

Feel angry but try and move on. It's hard. Really hard. But I keep thinking - it is SO his loss. I'm moving on and I don't need him. He's not worth my emotion and care and he is welcome to his current life. There's no way I'd be happy in a relationship with him now.

Keep your chin up mate (&&&)

 

It's funny in a way. The guy - and this in itself seems odd to describe it as this - I 'was with' (because despite telling me he loved me, felt secure with me, and was so glad he found me) kept telling me he wasn't in a relationship with me. Which was fine, up to a point. But then planning and booking a holiday with me two weeks before the whole thing just crumbled apart, seems to be the way out some people will take. I so wanted to meet him and get some answers to questions I had. And, sometimes, I still do. Sometimes I want to make him absolutely squirm and wriggle with embarrassment. And then just walk away from him. Because the longer I have been away from him, the more I see the inherent flaws and faults with him. It doesn't change how I felt about him, and how I probably could still feel about him if I allowed myself to drift into thinking I could change him, he'd change, I'd be enough for him, he'd not want an 'open relationship' with me like he did with every other bf he had (hmmm, cake and eating it springs to mind).

My attitude with him has been: I'll show you. F**k me over like that? Lead me along and then be sorry for 'hurting' me (understatement - but there's a massive piece of anger at myself in there too for allowing myself to be taken in and falling for him). The best way I have of making him see exactly what he has let go, is by letting him see exactly what he has allowed to walk away from him. And you know something? If he came back to me and begged me to let him try again - right now, wild horses couldn't drag me back to him. I'm with a guy who is genuine, caring, funny and kind. I don't need the constant suspicion: who's that texting him, which hook up site is he looking at, who's he off meeting, who's the 'old friend' he's telling me about meeting today or is it just another 'guy' he's picked up last week. When I look back I see how blind I must've been to not see what he was doing. There's no way I'd go back to that.

This guy you were with is not in a place right now where he can trust enough to take the step. You have so much to give - don't waste it on someone who cannot see this and want to act positively to be with you. In time he might. But don't stand still for him. If he's too late, he's too late.

 

A year ago today I posted the above here. I was in such a dark place. The world just seemed to be ending around me and it felt like I was stuck in the eye of a storm - safe as long as I didn't move. So many of you have posted words of advice, encouragement and support over the last year. The headline to this thread - struggling to see way ahead - now has a different context. I am totally at ease being out to anyone. I love spending time with my bf (and not the guy that I fell for a year ago!) - four months now guys and I am missing him so much since he's gone away with work for a fortnight. The future, although I have no idea what it might look like, it's almost exciting re-starting my life again and having the opportunity to re-shape it any way I want it to look. I still have an amazing pair of kids who are so resilient and have just taken everything in their stride. My wife is so good and I will continue to support her to find her feet and make sure she and the kids are protected and safe. We can still do things together as a family, and there will always be difficult times but I know that by acting with integrity and love it will be okay. I am so lucky. So lucky. Others can only imagine have such an existence and I know that not everyone can do what I have done and still feel able to live authentically. But I am now far more confident in myself and who I am. It feels incredibly liberating.

The next year? Press on with my job - it's taken a bit of a back seat with everything else going on! - get myself financially secure, a place to live that's my own, and actively enjoy my life. You only get one of them. (&&&)

Think it's time to close this thread off - I'm not struggling to come to terms with this anymore. The way forward might be rocky, different and a totally unknown, but it's down to me to make the difference and the change happen. Whatever happens, I'll know that it generally is up to me to influence the course of my life - no-one else.