Found my son looking at gay porn

I don't have a lot of advice or anything to give you, and I apologize for that. But I would like to say THANK YOU!!!! You seem like a really wonderful dad! I can honestly say that I wish my dad was as kind and supportive as you have been for your son. I know that it makes a difference for him. It can be a scary time, and I think you're handling it beautifully. As far as porn goes, I think it's okay, unless it becomes an obsession or starts to interfere with his life. Definitely keep being there for him though. I know I would die for my dad to be as loving as you!

 

You know, I had to think rather hard about how I would respond to this. My first reaction was to criticise your initial response, when you said that you would prefer he not be gay. Then I thought back on my mother's initial reaction (which was terrible for reasons which were, at root, of a non-homophobic nature) and how supportive she has been since then, and I decided you needed more credit. Good job on keeping a well tempered reaction, reassuring your son that you still love and support him and for seeking help from trusted third parties. Your extensive efforts to make this painless for you and your son are truly commendable.

I wouldn't worry about things he likes on Facebook. It may be a sign that he's somewhat out at school, or that he's out as an ally, and besides that it's highly unlikely that his classmates are paying much attention to what he likes, let alone what they themselves have liked on Facebook. :lol: Although there is a chance that he will experience some form of stress resulting from homophobic classmates, even if it is indirect, those couple of pages are nothing that would provoke that and having him remove them from his Facebook would not protect him from those experiences.

You can probably trust the staff at his school, especially guidance counselors and potentially administrators and teachers depending upon their attitudes. You can also trust PFLAG, an organisation compromised of parents, family, friends and allies of the LGBT community which is dedicated to helping parents and children alike. You can trust the staff of this forum, who are all very wise and dedicated individuals. There are certainly others as well, who I'm sure will be mentioned in other posts.

Concerning porn, I don't know. It's completely your call. I would not make a move so drastic as to put him into therapy for it or anything like that, because I doubt he has such a serious problem with it. Most people don't. It seems that you haven't allowed porn in the past, so I assume you have a justification for that. If you are uncomfortable with him watching porn I would explain (or re-explain I suppose) that reasoning to him and emphasise that you are not punishing him for watching gay porn and you are not mad about the type of porn he was watching, but that he had broken an established rule. I think that's reasonable. Of course, don't be surprised if he finds a way to watch porn anyhow.

I hope this has helped. I wish once again to say that you're taking this marvelously in stride and I hope that you are able to find the support you need in order to make your family comfortable with the situation.

 

The people above have already covered what I wanted to say, so I'll just throw in a couple little things:

- With regards to people to trust... it isn't offensive to this community. But think of it this way, people he "shouldn't be associating with" are no different whether they're straight or gay. Sexual preference is no substitute for common sense; obvious negative influences will be there no matter who they like.
- With regards to porn, since he lives under your roof, technically it's your call. But as your son has already proven: the vast majority of people look at porn at some point or another, whether "banned" or not, especially if they were questioning their sexuality. I'm not saying you should let it free-roam or anything, but if he's going to be looking at it anyway... putting less of a negative view on it may make things easier. But again, your call.
- You mentioned your past with your wife, and that's not my business to pry into (though I'm sure if you shared, someone may have insight). Anyway, you said that it is your job to "protect" your kids, and as a parent, you're right. But keep in mind your kids (like all kids) have to grow up at some point, explore, make mistakes, etc. It's easy to let your judgement be clouded by past events; just watch that you aren't being overprotective.

Otherwise, welcome to EC.

 

facebook: telling kids what they can or can't like will only make them go underground and set up a dummy page you know nothing about which will be full of other stuff that is probably more extreme than "liking" something. possibly have a talk to him about that fact that you love and accept him but not everyone will and he can be judged initially by somethign that really isn't anybody's business unless he wants it to be. so as he is just discovering himself, its a good idea to just get to know himself before potentially setting himself up for homophobic teenage kids. not saying he should be encouraged to go into a closet, but he shoudl use caution

who to trust: gay or straight, he can't really trust anyone. so there are creeps in both sexualities. but you need to probably talk to him about sex and about male hormones and how they are different or can be differnet than female hormones. males in general can be lustful and there arent the same kind of barriers that women have up in terms of wanting more of an emotional attachment before a physical one. again, these are generalities but they pretty much hold true that dudes will just get it on and figure out the emotional stuff later and girls are somewhat oriented the opposite way. therefore, he may have many guys trying to get physical with him becuase they think its "fun" and then he will get dumped. this can be traumatic for the burgeoning gay youth. so as long as he is aware of the games guys play to score sex, he will be better on guard.

porn: whether you allow it or not, he is going to watch it and obviously he proved this to you by your discovery with the ipod. if he doesn't watch it at home, he may even start acting it out in real life with his "friends". and i can assure you, if he is "liking" gay teen stuff on facebook, there's a great chance that he has some other gay or bi guy friends and there's also a chance that there's an opportunity to experiment or a desire to experiement. in my day, we did not grow up with computer and ipod. there was no readily accessible porn. i remember "porn" was considered watchign cinemax or hbo where they would have the movies on late at night that kids shouldn't see. now you can just get it on your iphones. my point is, think back to when you were a kid. you were probably masterbating to mom's victoria secret catalogue bra section. im sure your parents did not supply you with it and pat you on the back for a good wank, but you did it anyway. so my point is, whether you "allow it or not" he's gonna do it. masterbation is a normal part of sexual discovery. who knows, maybe this is a phase. kids today are far more open to try different stuff sexually then in my years. there's more openness to gay but some kids jump on the bandwagon for a bit and then jump off. who knows. anyways, just talk to him about safe ways to explore sexuality and masterbation is one of them and leave it at that.

and for anybody that wants to rip you for any comments you made. that's their issue not yours. you are a single dad, trying to raise a kid and his mom is a lesbian and has a strained relationship with the kids and now your son may be gay. i would say that under the circumstances you are doing a great job with seeking information out, letting him know he's loved, and trying to find out a way to help him. so maybe someone coudl have taken offense to something but hey, someone is always going to be offended about something. you are learning. kids can't just decide not to be gay just the same as you can't decide not to like women anymore and marry a guy.

 

I actually liked the fact that you did what you could to stay true to both yourself and reason and logic. To let him know where you stand shows that you are both stake holders in this matter and you work together to achieve a happy median. Any relationship, including that of the parent-child, takes work for the involved parties to live in harmony and safety so that both can enjoy their lives, learn, and grow together.

 

Hey, thanks I appreciate that you tempered that. It was a worrying reaction, but I think you've more than made amends. We really appreciate all the straight allies who come here and care so much for their kids even though our sexuality as kids sometimes comes out of left field.

 

All I can say is that if it wasn't gay porn, it would be heterosexual porn. Kids at that age are going to watch porn regardless of their sexuality.

You're reaction is completely normal though, you're just a concerned parent. You sound like a really good dad. Sorry for the lack of advice...

 

As tempting as it is the try to "do something" at this point, I think the best thing to do here may just be to not do much at all, at least in terms of pressing yourself onto him or asking questions

I was in a similar situation with my parents back when I was about 14 or 15 and my mom found links to gay porn on the computer (which I thought I had deleted but I guess I overlooked some of it). When my mom called me out on it and started asking questions, my most immediate and natural reaction at the time was to shut it all out, deny everything and hope she goes away, because well, I freaked out. If your son's anything like me, that was probably how he felt too and I know that the only thing I wanted from my parents was just time alone, for them not to judge me, criticize me, or ask questions I wasn't ready to answer. I froze up and tuned it all out so much that I honestly cannot remember a single word she said anymore or how/when she finally left but I gave every excuse in the book to get out of trouble and became totally disoriented for a couple of days. Luckily she didn't press on about it.

I'm not out to my parents at all, but I know my parents aren't idiots. Most likely they've decided to sweep it all under the rug and let everything be until I'm ready which may be never, but I do appreciate them giving me that space and time. My mom isn't the most gay-friendly person and we've had plenty of brief conversations on why "gay" is such an evil (maybe that's her way of hinting to me she doesn't want me to be gay) but if she really knows about me, I hope she'll just let me be. I've had and am still having enough trouble on my own figuring this all out and how I'm suppose to live my life.

Like someone before me said, kids watch porn at that age and they're always find a way to do it, especially with the way technology has advanced. I don't believe it's unhealthy unless your son is becoming some kinda weird porn addict or is starting to make his own. From the sound of your son's Facebook, it seems like he's pretty chill about being gay or whatnot because if he was really closeted, there'd be no way he'd be that open about it on Facebook. You should keep an eye out but don't try to do anything that would give him the impression you're trying to tell him what is or isn't acceptable. Let him make his own decisions but teach him responsibility so he'll make better ones.

Hope this helped

 

As a 20 year old, been away from home for 3 years and not out gay... I think I can appreciate your son's position as well as your's as a responsible level headed adult.

Clearly you are a great dad. You are trying really hard to understand, which is really all you can do.

However, you have found this out, ou have had the talks etc. I would really leave it at that. Don't meddle too much. Even when you think you are being helpful it will embarrass him more and alienate him... The support groups, he'll find himself. Porn, he'll probably find a way too watch. When i was growing up, my parents taught me to be level headed, think with common sense, be sensible and respectful. If you can teach him these values in everyday life and you feel you can trust him as a mature adolescent, then you should be able to trust him to experiment with his sexuality responsibly. And yes, that might mean he looks at pornography.

If you respect your son as an adult, you will begin to respect each other as equals, rather than father son. and that is a much better place to be as he enters late teens. My dad and I got on so much better when my mum moved out and we started living together more like housemates than father/son. We looked after each other. I still haven't told him I am gay though. I hope he will be as understanding as you are.

 

Honestly, it sounds like you're doing everything right. You're keeping the channels of communication open with him if he feels he wants to approach you. You've taken measures to make sure he's safe at school without being overbearing. You're slowly settling into the idea that he's gay and that it's not a big deal.

I don't think there is much more you need to do. Just keep being awesome; your son will thank you for it, one day.

Though, if you want something to do, I would suggest hitting up a PFLAG meeting. I'm sure it would be helpful, either to provide you with information you didn't already know or to give you insight from other parents who are/have been through what you're going through. Hell, you could even be the one at the meeting teaching the other parents how to be awesome parents! That would be the one big advantage to getting advice at one of those meetings rather than on EC; there are likely to be many more parents with similar situations to your own, rather than all the people here who are closer to your son's situation. Different perspectives is usually a good thing.

I think so long as you keep being open with your son and keep up the mentality that being gay is no big deal, you're going to do absolutely fine.

I also think you'll find that to some extent, now that the "bomb has been dropped" and he's out (to you, at least), life is pretty much going to return to normal. When people say that being gay doesn't define them, this is precisely what it means... they share a piece of information with someone they trust through "coming out", but then that's all there is to it until something significant happens (i.e. he gets a boyfriend). So just carry on as usual.

P.S. You can swear on these forums if you want, it's not censored nor really frowned upon. :lol:

 

One thing I really have to say is back off from talking about porn with him! Trust this from someone his age, talking about porn with your parent has to be the most awkward and uncomfortable thing in the world.

I, personally, think it was wrong for you to look at the iPod in the first place. It's a big pet peeve of my when parents snoop on phones, iPods, etc. My mom is constantly getting onto my sister's Facebook and Twitter, even going through her messages which Ifind very wrong. If you had a reason to look onto it, that'd be acceptable. But you saw it and proceeded to go through it. The iPod was, in my view, his way to get to things without you knowing. I, myself have many ways to bypass my parents, my iPad, my phone, unused accounts on our comouter that are never looked at, etc.

It's great that you still love him and all, but there are some other...invasive things I read. Talking to any relative about finding gay porn or him being gay is wrong, imo. You should've went straight to him. All in all, to me, I think you're taking the role of the overly-active-LGBT-parent, tone it down a bit. Don't always bring LGBT things, like athletes in the Olympics. Other than that I think you're doing decently good.

 

I don't want to tell you what to do as i'm not a parent, but it may or may not be worth considering verbally taking this statement back. A few throwaway comments (usually only very mildly negative) regarding homo/bi sexuality (like for instance the suggestion that bisexual people don't really exist) by my father here and there when growing up has left me absolutely terrified of letting on that i don't mind the cock even to this day, even though i know he would be fine with it (if a little off put). Fear of disappointment is infinitely more frightening than fear of retribution. And by extension, i am still not out to anyone in my family for fear of it getting back to him, even though he's as meek as a kitten, relatively open minded and completely mild-mannered. I wish i weren't so cowardly, but i mightn't have been if it weren't for the little throwaway comments.

 

But I'm looking at it from his perspective, it's awkward and uncomfortable whenever a parents brings up porn or sex. Any 15 year old whether they're gay, straight, bi, pan, trans, whatever, with ALWAYS find it uncomfortable. If all he does is go to porn sites and watch porn, etc. then I don't feel like he's in any predatory danger. If he goes into Chat Rooms, then you have the right to worry all you want, as you have said that he's naive. I go into chat rooms all the time, but I can handle myself in them.

As for the iPod, saying something about a history of theft would've been helpful. Very helpful. And I don't care if it's a rhetorical question, I'll answer it anyways: it was wrong, you checked the history and THAT is where the snooping began. Besides, as the Apple Junkie that I am, the only way you could've accessed the iPod would be if he had just used it and it was on a lock timer. If not then you had to have unlocked it and went into it.

But still, he may have not been comfortable enough with his sexuality for his dad, let alone another relative, to know. If you were confused then you could've come onto here or found someplace else first. I know if someone in my family did that, I'd personally hate them.