Want to vent??

Standoffish, secluded, a loner, secretive.

 

Thank you I've been feeling down lately because of that and I've always been kinda like that :/

 

I HATE BEING SICK!!!! HATE IT!!!! been sick since tuesday. somehow i've managed to get myself to the gym instead of getting bed ridden. i do not want to take any medication or drink any tea but with the way things is going, i think i'm coming down wiht the flu. i don't need this right now at all. the funny thing is i've been feeling really happy for the most part the past couple of days while i've been ill. messed up. still have to go to that group that i have to meet with at 6:30.

 

besides this nasty cold smell in my nose, i'm pretty much annoyed and irritated right now.

let me just get this off my chest, i am gay. i am in the closet. everytime i am around my family and my friends, i feel that i am going through a conflict. for the most part, i am myself. the same goofy, quirky, loud mouth, paranoid, weirdo around them and the soft spoken, shy weirdo around strangers and people who i'm not all that comfortable to let myself go around and etc. i feel as if i am not being 100 percent honest with them even though they think that i am which actually bothers me. i'm only keeping it 99% real with them and me hiding that i'm gay is the 1% thing that i'm lying about. it bothers me that one of my friends just said that i'm one of the most honest people that he knows when about 30 minutes ago, he asked me if i like women. in that 4 second pause, i lied to him and told him yes when the answer was no. then again, i might be too hard on myself for staying in the closet. i felt all that whole time where them and me were in the car talking about me not getting any girls or having sex with a woman that the closet door was banging. i wanted it to stop. i feel as if this 1% thing is kind of killing me inside. it has me living in fear. honestly, i don't think i can bring myself to tell my loved ones that i'm gay. i don't think that i've gotten to that point yet where i can call my mother up and tell her that i'm gay.

and the fucked up part about it is that nobody suspects it or at least, called me out. my brother has been the only one to ask that question and this was 7 years ago. damnit, i just wish i can come out and fully live my life the way i'm supposed to. what makes me a bit sad is that my family has seen how i came up and nothing ever occurred to them that the way that i acted as a kid may probably imply or hint that i was gay. another thing too that is annoying is to run around on sneaking to the lgbt center, basically knowing who i am but yet not being able to let those around me know because i'm scared SUCKS. i basically feel powerless. i am NOT free.

sorry, for the long vent.

 

I hate that feeling of "all of my male friends understand something I can't and never will." Before I came out, some of my friends (male and female) were having a conversation about older movie stars they find attractive. All the girls said people like George Clooney and Harrison Ford. One of the guys suggested Meryl Streep, and said "You can't deny she turned you on in The Devil Wears Prada," and everyone was nodded and this one guy was like "I really want to disagree, but she totally turned me on." All I could think was goddammit I don't get it I don't get it I don't get it, I see the grace, I see the beauty, I see the talent, but she doesn't turn me on, she CAN'T turn me on, I can't be turned on by her; but all I could say was "yeah, she's hot, so is Helen Mirren."

 

I'm stuck in the first year of high school (and due to a few skipped grades am constantly singled out for being younger than my friends) and there's no one that I can talk honestly to (besides my old school friends, and even then I've lost contact with most of them). Only one person knows I'm gay, I've gained a reputation as "that geeky kid that speaks japanese", and apparently I don't have enough "swag" to be popular. My mom is accepting, but she never talks about me being gay and when a recent sketch on saturday night live dealt with a woman coming out she just kept looking surreptitiously (sorry, I tend to write very formally when I'm not texting:icon_redf) at me. Both of the dogs that I've lived with since I was......seven or so died last year, I've become an insomniac, and I'm reading this site while deleting the history because my mom assumes I'm just another "horny, slutty teenage boy" (her exact words(and I very seldom think about sex anyways)) and she'd somehow convince herself this is porn. Sorry for the wall of text! :icon_redf

 

My dad (biological one) is a selfish narcissistic a$$hole who only thinks about himself. He acts like he is some kind of hero on a pedestal. I really wish he wouldn't have written that stupid book. People should know the truth to stories, not some one-sided crap.

 

I am so sick and tired of people treating me like shit one day, then the next day act like they did nothing wrong.

You REALLY hurt me and I don't think I will EVER forgive you.
I am NOT the one with the problem, YOU are.

 

yeah, exactly. it's annoying as hell and it just reminds you of who you are, where you're at and what you will have to do eventually.

i've also been in that same situation you mentioned too many times to count, man and it sucks. you can't say that you don't find her attractive or she doesn't turn you on without opening up the closet door and going "hello, i'm gay".

 

Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich: two of the vilest human beings to have ever existed in this country.

One four-times-married man defending--as a "victim", believe it or not--a thrice-married man who cheated on his first two wives when they were seriously ill and asked his second wife if she'd be willing to "share him" with his mistress (if the story is true). Herman Cain should get along just dandy with them.

:***:

 

I'm love sick and I hate it. I thought after a year I'd be over it but then a call for help came and it seems as if all progressed Ive made died. Feeling empty all over again...why is it so hard to stop thinking about someone.