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Married man seeking advice

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Inspector1, Mar 15, 2008.

  1. trumpetkid23

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    Ahh, yes the distance thing. I can relate to this a tiny bit. One of my very best friends also lives in South Carolina. He is gay, and has had an extremely difficult time with accepting it. The distance makes it hard...

    Well, I would still say going to couseling is a good idea, but if you aren't quite ready, then be sure to spend a lot of time on here, and talk to your friends elsewhere about it. Just talking about it and not keeping it in will help you get to where you should be and discover what these feelings really mean. But keep in mind that (though EC is an incredible resource), very few things can replace having a couselor who is professional.
     
  2. Inspector1

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    Thanks for that. It makes allot of sense. Its true that the more I talk about it, even on here, the easier it seems to get.
     
  3. trumpetkid23

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    For the longest time, I feared even saying the word "gay", even to the people that I was out to. But over time, it got easier and I found that I could openly talk about my sexuality to them, and I found out a lot more about myself. Once you take that first step (which you have), then figuring out where you are will begin to become more clear.
     
  4. sexyalex

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    true.

    Hi, idk how serious the situation is from ur point of view but i will take it serious. i can't see or feel it ur way because i am just not you or have been in that position. however, if u don't feel comfortable going to couseling; don't! most counselors (in my view) are not confidential and will taddle ur private business(i prove my theory with my older step sister who is a social worker):dry:

    I honestly beleive if u have feelings u should let it out, trust me if u keep it in IT CAN KILL U physically(heart attacks, hypertension), mentally(nervousness) and emotionaly(depression). I can't tell u what to do but i can tell u what i would do. I would tell me wife that i feel i love her very much and i love my kids and they mean the world to me.:eusa_liar then i would say to her that i have never been in ANY relationship with a guy and i have never cheated on you but ...i think i might be bi-sexual and i am beging of you to accompany me through this phase. (explain when ur fantasies started and why u feel ur bi) .....
    ...
    ..well yea that's pretty much what i would do along with other physical condements such as a hug, kiss etc. hope anything i said was useful

    Alex.
     
  5. Inspector1

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  6. trumpetkid23

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    You'll find the courage soon enough. On the bright side, recognizing this of yourself and letting others know will make you a much stronger, more confident individual when all is said and done. Everything will be fine!
     
  7. sexyalex

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  8. Inspector1

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    [/QUOTE]i don't think u would...don't expect u to just become couragous overnight; however even if u don't tell her how u feel just yet it's important for u to keep telling urself how much you lover her and ur children even if u "may" be bisexual(which is not a crime) ..
    ....further more if u feel good inside, securing ur love for your family it will be allot easier when it comes down to rush hour and u share ur fantasies with the ones u love.[/QUOTE]

    thats a good point and you seem to have allot of wisdom for one so young. One thing I am becoming quite sure of is that this real, not some kind of "phaze" I am going through. I don't love my wife any less or find her less attractive. But my desire to be with another man is real and I just hope that when the time comes that I can admit this to her that will accept it and still love me as much i love her.
     
  9. trumpetkid23

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    Perhaps one of the most important questions you can ask yourself is "what kind of desire am I feeling?" Is it a purely physical desire where you have an incidental physical attraction towards men, or could you see yourself in an emotional, love-based sort of relationship? That is, do you have (or have the potential to have) true feelings for another man? It's asking yourself (and finding the answer to) these types of questions that I think will help you figure this out.

    Though it may not be easy to see yet, when you figure out where you stand with your sexuality, I think you'll find that it's an incredible feeling. In understanding who you are, you can BE who you are, and that is an exciting thing.
     
    #29 trumpetkid23, Mar 16, 2008
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  10. Inspector1

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    I would say that at this point it feels like a purely physical attraction. But then again its really hard for me say without having experienced it first hand. I just don't know, if I was with a man I might myself open to the emotional side of things too. That is a big reason why I want to have that experience, so that i will know.
     
  11. trumpetkid23

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    Well, I would agree with what has been previously said. You probably shouldn't go experimenting, as that could have damaging repercussions on your wife and family. However, you DO need to figure your sexuality out for your own sanity and happiness. Goodness, now I really see how difficult this is for you....something my 17 year old self has never had to experience. Perhaps you should PM one of the adult members on here that can relate a little more than some of us teens? I'm sure there's a solution for you that's not going to be hurtful to anyone.
     
  12. Inspector1

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    Yes, a couple members who have lived through what I am just beginning to experience have contacted me and their experiences and advice have been both helpful and comforting.:thumbsup:
     
  13. Bromptonrocks

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    I'm sure I can offer you some advice. I'm married with kids and consider myself as Bi. PM me, if you want.
     
  14. G1969

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    Let me jump in with a few thoughts. First off, let me say that I completely totally sympathize with you. I know first hand that what you’re going through is EXTREMELY difficult. I myself went through similar late last summer. I had then been married for over 13 years with 2 children (9 and 7). I became quite curious and being in a major metropolitan area, the possibility to experience with another man became more and more enticing. So I did… I was fortunate enough to come across a guy on another local support group who really shook me up and brought me to my senses. What I was doing to my wife was plain wrong. And I thank him VERY much for it. I was very lost and he suggested to me that I seek counselling, which I would have never thought in a million years that I would have ever needed. At any rate, I did because I KNEW that I needed to figure this out. A bit like you do. I saw someone once to twice a week for about a month, reflected a lot, to finally come to the realization that I was gay, although married. It was a very trying time to the point where my wife even asked me if I was in love with someone because I was acting so strangely.

    I ended up telling her shortly thereafter. I knew exactly what the consequences would be and I was ready to face them. We’ve since then separated although I see her on a regular basis. Our kids have adapted extremely well to their new reality too. Despite the lows I’ve experienced since telling my wife, and the guilty feelings that I still experience once in awhile, I must say that I’m lucky enough to have a wonderful guy in my life. He’s the greatest human being I’ve ever met and just typing this up brings tears to my eyes. What we have is very special. VERY special. The feelings that I have experienced being with him are VERY deep and I could have never imagined feeling this way towards a guy. It is quite overwhelming and not easy describe, I must say.

    All this to tell you that you MUST figure out what you truly are. I would, like others have, advise you NOT to experience outside marriage. I had NEVER cheated on my wife until that time. Call me old fashion but I am a true believer in marriage and in being faithful. I would strongly encourage you to seek professional help. I understand that you’ve shared some of your feelings with friends but I think a professional will be better suited to guide you through this journey. For your sake and wife’s sake, you must follow up on this. I SINCERELY wish you the best. Feel free to PM me if you want to…
     
  15. Inspector1

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    I greatly appreciate all the advice people here have been giving me. Now there is a new twist that is making things really tough for me. Last night I met a guy. He's married with two kids and has never done anything with a guy but desires it just like I do. We talked for a long time and we both wound up agreeing to meet later this week and "see what happens." I was quick to agree to this but I feel deeply torn over it. On the one hand I am incredibly excited and I see it as a chance to better understand myself. But on the other hand I know that I will be cheating on wife and betraying her trust in me. Any thoughts???:help:
     
  16. trumpetkid23

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    While I'm sure you're burning to do this, and I'm sure that you feel it would help you better understand yourself, I think it would be unwise to do anything with this guy. Now, that's not to say you couldn't just talk with him and share your feelings with one another about what's going on in your lives. It could help you understand how you're feeling, however, actually being with this guy and cheating on your wife could have very negative repercussions and leave you feeling some extreme amounts of guilt that would likely have you questioning your own morality, let alone your sexuality. I think it's best to see someone professional FIRST. They can probably help you understand who you are in more ways than you might know.
     
  17. Inspector1

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    You said it yourself at the start, I am burning to do this. I want it so bad. I don't know if that makes sense but its how I feel right now. I know its cheating and know its wrong but....I don't know. My wife doesn't need to know. It will be a one time thing.
     
  18. Bromptonrocks

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    I'm going to go against the tide on this one at the risk of getting some bad press from fellow EC members.

    I, like you, have realised that after 25 years of marriage I'm attracted to guys more than women. I know this because over the years, I've been with guys off and on. I've never seen them as "affairs" although from the replies I've read, many will disagree.

    Going "behind my wife's back" has enabled me to fulfill my desire to be with guys and has kept me sane and away from the anxieties and dilemma you're facing. I'm not sure I'm gay enough to want to leave my wife but lately, the urge to do so is getting stronger - but that's another story.

    If you want to meet this guy and see what happens I say go for it, but only if it helps you to decide what you really want. I know you feel it's betraying your wife, but sometimes we have to do things we don't like to help us make up our minds. If by going with this guy it frees you from what you're facing and helps you to decide then you've nothing to lose. As you say, you wife needn't know and if it achieves a solution, whichever way, then it would have been worth it.

    Of course, only you can weigh up the advantages and disadvantages of what you want to do. You also need to consider how you will feel after, although you can never really know until it's happened. Catch 22, I'm afraid.

    I'm sorry if some members are "disgusted" at what I'm advocating, ie going behind your wife's back, but it's worked for me and helped me release the desires I had. I hate to think the kind of person I would have been had I not been able to do that. I feel free to be able to do what I do and am probably a better husband and father as a result. Of course, only I know this. I'm sure my wife would have a different view! Good luck.
     
    #38 Bromptonrocks, Mar 18, 2008
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  19. neverover

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    i think dat my answer is the dumbest one, but ill give it a shot:slight_smile:. if its just sex related, why dnt u just hve sex with men, but still married with ur wife. but im not sayin about cheating. why dont u just talk to ur wife about it. because if ur really gay, no counseling cant help it (been there done that). maybe ur wife will understand and let u have sex with a man, as long as its JUST a sex, not a relationship.... i know i done no good. sorry.
     
  20. G1969

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    I'm not a therapist or a psychologist but I think this is a case of "compartmentalization" where you feel/know that being intimate with another guy (or woman) outside marriage is wrong but you find reasons/arguments (she doesn't have to know so it won't hurt her) to justify doing it anyway.

    This is a very slippery road, believe me. The fact that you feel SO strongly about wanting to hook up with a guy is strong enough evidence. I don't believe you need to experience it. To be honest, it would probably "just" strengthen your attraction to men. You may even convince yourself that it is OK to keep experiencing. Again, very slippery road.

    I'm not here to judge at all but I couldn't see myself doing it. And that's why I listened to this guy when he shook me up. I stopped experiencing right away and started seeing a therapist. I'm darn glad that I did. I'm sure my wife would have figured it out anyway as I wasn't myself. My behaviour had changed. I felt extremely bad inside. I am VERY proud of how I approached the "crisis" and managed through it.

    At any rate, there may be no harm in TALKING to this guy. Sharing thoughts and feelings but I would urge you NOT to get physical. If you think you can't, you shouldn't meet him. My big concern is that the other guy may not care at all for his wife (or again, may compartmentalize his behaviour) and may convince you that it is OK to cheat on her. You're very fragile right now and so, based on that, if I were you, I'd go to a therapist and talk this through. In the end, it is your call though. You really need to think about it...