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letter to my parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Psychedelic Bookmarks, Dec 16, 2007.

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  1. Psychedelic Bookmarks

    Psychedelic Bookmarks
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    i have been trying to write a letter to explain to my parents. it's been really hard, and i've gone through several versions. i realise this is probably way too long/negative/accusatory/detailed/i don't know what, but it feels like the only honest expression of my feelings atm.

    Dear Mum and Dad,

    These last few months you may have noticed I have growing very unhappy. There is something important which has been on my mind. You may find this suprising, and I’m sorry to put you through this, but I have come to the realisation that I’m gay.

    I think I have always had these feelings; I’ve just been repressing them for many years. I desperately wanted to be normal. I could point out times from years ago that could have been clues, but I don’t know if it would be helpful. This last year, I’ve finally opened up and thrown off the terror that surrounded sex when I was small. And once I had done that, I’ve had to admit to myself that I am, seemingly, a lesbian, although that feels like declaring myself an alien. I’ve become unable to ignore the feelings that have been growing. I’m not saying I’m ruling out boys completely, but it’s pointless to pretend I’d want a boyfriend when I’d really prefer a girlfriend any day.

    Many gay people only come out when they’re 18 or 20, having gone through a miserable teenage life. I have had a taster of that these last few months and I don’t want to go through that. I want to be honest with you now. Even if I later realise it was a fabled “phase”, that’s better than continuing this hiding. At the beginning of the year, Dad, we were having a conversation, and you assured me you knew I wasn’t gay. I just grunted and steered off the topic, remember? Well, I’m sorry, and I wish I wasn’t saying this, but you were wrong Dad. I think I am a lesbian.

    I’m actually crying as I write this. I’m so sorry and I really hate myself. I still love you both so much though and I hope my actions demonstrate that. I’m not doing this to hurt you or shock you – I wish I wasn’t saying it. But I want to be honest with you, and I hope that you will continue to be as supportive as you always have been, and can try to understand some of what I have been going through. I’m still the same person I always was, I’m just finally being honest with you and myself.

    Lots of love, from
    Helena

    i know i probabaly shouldn't put that i hate myself and whatever, but it's the truth and i
    can't think of a more honest way to put it. i don't want to write a "perfect" letter that doesn't express what i really feel.

    i don't know when i'll give it to them. i might not give it at all, if a chance comes up to just tell them face to face. but if you can see any enormous mistakes or turn-offs, please tell me.
     
    #1 Psychedelic Bookmarks, Dec 16, 2007
  2. ccdd

    ccdd Guest

    You're incredibally brave for thinking of doing this, I think. But I think that your letter has a very good and honest tone. I think that it is good that you point out that this is not a new idea that has popped into your head, but something that has been there all along - I think you do sound like you've been going through this for a while, and that coming out to them is the end of the process of self-realisation, rather than the beginning. The only thing that contradicts the rest of this message is where you say "Even if late I realise it was a fabled "Phase" " - I think you know your parents better than I do, but that's the only slightly problematic bit in there, I think, as it gives your parents a possible opt-out clause. But then again, they may well use that anyway, and all you are doing is pre-empting them, and putting it into the light of not hiding it away for years, like many do.

    Not that I know anything about this, but I think that it is a lovely letter. I mean, it sounds very honest, and isn't written in such a way to spite or shock, just meant to confide in your parents.

    I hope that when you do give it to them, that they take it really well, and that it all goes well. I think that this is good because you are setting out from an early age who you are, rather than having to backtrack and admit you lied (either to yourself or other people) as many people (myself included) have done. And once it's out, unambiguously, then it's out, if that makes sense.

    I really hope it goes well. I wish to God I had your courage. But I wish you luck - it's a great letter I think, and fingers crossed!!
     
    #2 ccdd, Dec 16, 2007
  3. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    I would take out the "phase" part too, but other than that I think its great!
     
    #3 beckyg, Dec 16, 2007
  4. Kovax14

    Kovax14 Guest

    :frowning2: I don't think you have to apologize, it's who you are
     
    #4 Kovax14, Dec 16, 2007
  5. Sam

    Sam
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    Take out the phase part. People might think you are going through a phase anyway especially the parents so actually saying that will make it harder to accept and they will hold on to the possiblity of this being a phase (even though its not) and it will make things more difficult.
     
    #5 Sam, Dec 16, 2007
  6. Zec24

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    I agree with the others about taking out the phase thing. I left that part in with my parents and they have used it to their advantage and to further their denial. I didn't realize that by trying to lessen the blow for them I was actually doing them a disservice but not allowing them to deal with the real situation.

    I was also giving myself an out as I wasn't 100% sure of myself at the time. I understand the need to give yourself an out, but at the same time you want to give your parents a strong letter. If you need more time to sort out your feelings then take that time. I wish I'd found EC before I wrote my letter and came out to my parents, because when it came time to have the face to face conversation after they got my letter, I wasn't prepared for the questions they asked.

    You might have left the phase part in there to see if you could get advice from your parents, but I'll tell you, your parents are not the ones you want helping you through this. They have a vested interest in the outcome. If you still need to sort things out a therapist would work better. I too thought my parents could help me, but I was wrong they just caused me more pain and self doubt.

    I'm actually getting ready to talk to them again, now that its been a year and this time I'm taking a hardline stance with them.

    Good luck to you, and giving them this letter is a brave thing to do. They should take comfort in the fact that you have the courage to tell them this.
     
    #6 Zec24, Dec 16, 2007
  7. s5m1

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    Your letter is great. It is from the heart. You should be very proud of yourself! Your parents should be (and I am sure are) very proud to have you as their daughter. Good luck with whatever path you take.
     
    #7 s5m1, Dec 16, 2007
  8. biisme

    biisme
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    i hope it goes well, and i think it's good that you're so honest. i'm in agreement wiht everyone here that you should remove the "phase" part. whatever happens, be sure to tell us how it goes.
     
    #8 biisme, Dec 16, 2007
  9. Urman

    Urman Guest

    sounds great
     
    #9 Urman, Dec 16, 2007
  10. Psychedelic Bookmarks

    Psychedelic Bookmarks
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    omg i can't believe this, but i just left the letter on the kitchen table. i think my parents will have opened it by now. :icon_redf :icon_sad:

    i'll go down in about 15 mins to talk to them. oh my god, i feel so nervous. :eek:

    btw i took out the phase part.
     
    #10 Psychedelic Bookmarks, Dec 17, 2007
  11. Paul_UK

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    Please let us know how it goes.
     
    #11 Paul_UK, Dec 17, 2007
  12. Ty

    Ty Guest

    Wow good luck *hug* I bet you'll get a good reaction =]
     
    #12 Ty, Dec 17, 2007
  13. biisme

    biisme
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    i hope it went/ is going/ will go well!!!!!

    be sure to tell us!!!
     
    #13 biisme, Dec 17, 2007
  14. Alexander

    Alexander
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    ditto biisme :slight_smile:

    congrats!
     
    #14 Alexander, Dec 17, 2007
  15. Cheese Love

    Cheese Love
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    That is so brave! I really hope it goes well for you!
     
    #15 Cheese Love, Dec 17, 2007
  16. Grof142007

    Grof142007
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    *hugs* i pray it goes well
     
    #16 Grof142007, Dec 17, 2007
  17. Paul_UK

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    #17 Paul_UK, Dec 18, 2007
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