Ok, so I'm new to this site and I'm hoping you guys can shed some light on my situation as I'm a bit confused. So I'm pretty sure I'm attracted to women, I fantasise/watch porn about them, I get that butterfly feeling when I talk to a girl I like and I can easily see myself getting into a serious relationship with one. The thing that confuses me is that I can and do enjoy fantasies/porn about guys, but I've never had that butterfly feeling about them and I couldn't really see myself in a relationship with one. I don't know if I'm straight and just overthinking things or that I'm actually gay/bi and can't admit it. Your opinions and any information you guys can give me will be much appreciated.
Hi C16J01H94, Welcome to EC :welcome: EC is a very supportive community that will help you as you explore and understand your sexuality. Given that you are attracted to women and enjoy fantasies/porn about guys, then it's quite possible that you are bisexual. Can you say more about your fantasies? Do these occur while masturbating without porn? It's quite common for people who are questioning their sexuality to have a hard time seeing themselves in a relationship with someone of the same gender. As they become more comfortable with their sexuality, they will begin to develop romantic feelings for someone of the same gender. Therefore just because you can't see yourself in relationship with another guy today isn't proof that you are not bisexual. There's more information about the stages of coming out here - Empty Closets - Stages of Coming Out that will help you understand the stages that a person typically goes through when coming out.
Hey! Welcome to EC! While I agree with SiennaFire completely, I'd like to also mention that some people struggle with coming to terms with bisexuality because they going through periods where they only like one gender over the other (or mostly prefer them) and switch to the other gender for a certain period of time. SO what I'm trying to say is that your interests can fluctuate often or you might just have to wait for a male to get your attention. Sexuality is fluid because our interests are fluid and myself speaking as a bi/pan person, sometimes it gets mega confusing because you think you're not bi anymore. At least this is coming from my personal experience and from others I've heard discussing the same issue. I'd also like to point out that when you're bi or even just gay or questioning, some people have incredible frustrations because they can't see themselves with the same sex. I've had this problem and I still do at times, but I believe it comes from the fact that being with the same sex is really intimidating, even just thinking you could be (insert sexuality here).
Why is this important to you now, at this point in your life? Serious question. You don't have to be one thing or the other. Just try being you. Currently you have the opportunity to watch any kind of porn you like and explore whatever fantasy you desire so it isn't impacting you there. So is it that you feel that your sexuality is somehow impacting another area of your life? Sexuality is so much more about relationships, emotional development and social issues than sex. Is that you are so focused on sexual attraction that you are not allowing yourself to explore the other elements of your sexuality? If this is just about sexual desire and curiosity then you will probably get your answer jumping in at the deep end and trying it out (though safely, always safely) but if it is more than that, which I suspect it is, then spend some time thinking about how you see yourself in a relationship. What do you want from a relationship, what do you have to offer? Hopefully that will being you closer to the answer you are looking for.
Thanks for the replies so far guys, appreciate it. @SiennaFire, my fantasies can be a mix of both but tend to be more on the straight side. It's a bit like H20 mentions, I can go ages thinking about and being attracted to women and then all of a sudden it can flip. But when it does my attraction to men is a relatively short period of time compared to women. @Calf, It is no more important to me now than it has been in the past or will be in the future. It's just this is the first time I've ever given it some serious though. Maybe I am focusing too much on the sex aspect, I'll try not to in future. And don't worry, I'm always me. In fact a few people would prefer it if I were a little less me.
I agree with H20 that gender preference can fluctuate in bisexuals, and clearly you are experiencing that. I also agree with him that sometimes it's difficult to see oneself with the same sex. Typically this is caused when people learn at an early age that being gay is wrong or bad through messages from society, family, church, or friends. I'm wondering if you may have picked such a message that's making it difficult to see yourself with another guy?
SiennaFire does have a point that some people struggle to see themselves with the same sex due to messages we've perceived through our life. Even though I grew up in a family mostly open-minded about sexuality, I think I had a hard time coming to terms with bisexuality for several reasons, but one of the main reasons are that I found myself more attracted to men than women and even though I'm a teenager, when I thought of sexuality, I pictured sex more than a relationship which kind of set me back. It's okay for bisexuals to have preferences toward mianly one gender. It doesn't invalidate their sexuality, it just means you find one more interesting. The best example I can give for this is that I like all kinds of music. I mostly listen to pop, but on occasion I love to spend a few days or weeks with classical or country music, which aren't my favorite genres, but it doesn't mean I like them. (Maybe that's not the best example, but it's the only one I can come up with). I should also point out that from what I've heard that men have a more difficult time coming to terms with bisexuality for one reason or another. You know like gender roles, toughness, being with a man seems like it feminizes men, etc. It's more widely excepted for women to be bi than men (if it's acknowledged). PS: it's terrific you're always you. And it's okay to put more serious thought into this now than before. Some people just need the right moment, ya know? Best of luck.
Fortunately I grew up in a very tolerant environment and my parents made it very clear to me and all my siblings that it was ok to be gay. And I get what your saying about gender roles, I have a freind who's gay and quite effeminate and and while most of his family are fine with it, his dad is less than impressed.
It's great that your family is understanding, at least that's one thing less to worry about! I agree it sounds like you're experiencing the "bi-cycle" (as some people call it), and that can be quite confusing (hence the question mark I put after my own orientation). I used to think it impossible to be with the same sex, but as I'm evolving (kind of like a Pokemon) that thought is starting to feel less alien. So you'll just have to see where it goes really, and I know that's easier said than done.
