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Worried!

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Rayland, Nov 27, 2022.

  1. Rayland

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    I needed to just write stuff down. These are simply the thoughts that have been circulating in my mind, so I hoped this would help me put things in perspective. It's all related to my gender identity and body dysmorphia. This is kind of a recap of recent months.

    1. Every single hate comment or hate video or even just bad news about the lgbt+ community is making me very sensitive and emotional. Fear inside me is causing me serious anxiety attacks.

    2. Recently I saw a dream. In that dream in my mind I was I need to say good looking person, but I want to say just okay looking person. The dream showed me myself from a mirror and I only saw a hideous monster. I didn't see the good looking person. I know this is all just mental illness, the body dysmorphia, that does this to me.

    3. I get jealous of the people who get to transition and feel bad about it. I feel bad, that I can't feel happy for others.

    4. I'm scared of the transition committee here. What if they say no to me getting the hormones, after when I finally get my diagnosis and get to go and see them? How will I feel then? Will I be able to handle it? What if I become homeless? It's so hard finding a suitable job right now. I did talk to my trans counsellor and he promised me to find out what kind of government housing options would be available for me, if I should get thrown out, since he knows people who know more about it.

    It's all a bunch of what if's. :frowning2:

    5. When I get to finally transition, then how will I handle the discrimination once I'm actually out of the closet fully? All of the bureaucracy for just in order to change the name and sex marker is going to be time consuming. I have different qualifications from different schools and am worried about how the name change procedures are done there. I will probably have to contact the schools, when the time comes. And I'm in uni now too. I kinda wish to have a name changed before graduation, so it would all be correct. Why must this all be so time consuming? I wish to be able to hurry it all up and not having to worry about it all. I won't be able to afford any surgeries in the near future, so transitioning socially and getting hormones and name, sex marker change are the only options for now.

    6. I have a lot to learn about being a man. I don't even know how to tie a tie. I haven't done packing, so I don't know how it would feel and would it be affirming for me. I don't have a lot of bottom dysphoria. Just very rarely. I haven't even been binding, because I can't stand restrictive clothing at all and binding tapes don't work for me, because of having large breasts, what I hate. I'm scared of buying a binder, because I don't wish to waste money on it, if it don't fit properly or won't work for me. Sports bra kinda works the best. So far the only other things I have done is that I'm using all the male products and they actually work really well for me. I do have some male clothing pieces as well. I got men winter boots, what fit me really well. I have larger feet too. Usually clothing in the men section fits me the best, but I get anxious about shopping in the mens section or even trying to use mens bathroom, because I get scared that someone I know sees me and I would get outed somehow. My therapist recommended me to go and just try on more male clothing in malls and take pictures of myself for my own fun, without needing to buy them, just try them on, but anxiety got in the way.

    7. Many transition so much younger. I'm 31. I would be able to hopefully transition 3-4 years from now, depending how fast I get the hormones and find a job to be independent.

    8. I'm worried, that there is something more wrong with me health wise, luckily blood tests been fine, just my vitamin D level was very low.

    9. My moods go up and down a lot and my thoughts keep racing.

    I didn't think this text would be this long. I just have a lot weighing me down and just feel very emotional lately. I needed to get this all out, so thank you very much for reading. I do vent a lot. I'm working on things with my therapist too.
     
  2. chicodeoro

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    Hey Rayland...let's pick apart those worries one by one.

    1. I know it's hard sometimes not to let world news effect how we feel in our world. It's only natural. Better to concentrate on the positive people that you know in your life - the ones who accept you and support you. And social media - put it down. It's not helpful.

    2. That's dysphoria in your subconscious. Pure and simple.

    3. So do I! I saw this amazing looking transwoman on TV the other day (who's also a journalist). I'm afraid to say I was really envious.

    4. I'm less able to help you here as I don't know much about the gatekeeping process in Estonia. All I will say is in practical terms prepare as well as you can, hope for the best and prepare mentally for the worst. That's all you can do.

    5. Once you get onto hormones things will fit into place. Testosterone is a wonder drug. I met a trans man yesterday - facial hair, low voice. I would not have had any idea at all he was AFAB. That will be you one day.

    6. Do you have any male friends who can show you the ropes, so to speak? Go on shopping trips with them. Hang out with them. Observe them.

    Believe me (cos I used to be one) if a man sees someone who looks female in the men's section of a clothes shop they don't think 'ooh that could be a female to male transgender person'! They don't think anything at all. They're usually just absorbed in their own inner world. Or if they think anything they think 'oh she's getting something for her husband/boyfriend/ father etc'.

    7. I'm 53. You're young. You've got the rest of your 30s and beyond to enjoy being the man you are.

    8. Chill about your heath. Exercise and eat well. And if you're concerned about low Vitamin D take supplements.

    9. What calms you? I find a) music, b) being around friends and c) running helps me. Also remember that this isn't going to be an easy ride. You're a trans man transitioning in a transphobic world during a time when there is still a lot of prejudice. Cut yourself some slack. Know that, yes, things may get stressful and painful in the immediate future, but in the long term you are going to be alright.

    Hope this helps, Rayland. Sending out hugs and good vibes to you.

    Beth xx

     
    #2 chicodeoro, Nov 27, 2022
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  3. Rayland

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    @chicodeoro Thank you Beth. You're right. I worry too much and a lot of it is my anxiety. I'm trying to focus on positive, it's just hard sometimes and yeah social media is not helpful. I will take a break from it. Friends also share stuff to me on messenger and tell me about the news, so I pretty much hear about it everywhere. I am addicted to being online, it's been a place for me to escape.

    Sadly I have no male friends near me. All of them are online friends. Overall I have just one friend who I can actually call a friend, who is near me and who is a female and not very supportive with this.

    I'm taking the vitamin supplements, but it's not about that. Genetics fuck up a lot for me and hormonal issues, what I'm seeing a doctor about and I'm trying to find out if it's genetics or something else. My doctor was worried about it, so been taking medication, that helps me with skin troubles. I just wish to know what causes it. In here my main worry is, that I don't wish to became bald, since my hair are thinning and hair is one thing I actually like about myself. I do have facial hair, but this don't bother me as much, just wish I would have facial hair, when I can actually pass.

    What I'm worried about is nausea, when bending to pick up something and I'm almost deaf from one ear. Other is fine. I have cleaned them, so it's not ear wax issue. There are deaf people in my family, what makes me worried, because of bad genetics, but this is something I need to discuss with my gp, who isn't that good. The other thing is hallucinations what I experience from time to time since childhood, even way before I started taking any medication, so it's not a side effect.

    Thank you again Beth and hugs. Your reply was very helpful. I'm getting calmer. I appreciate it a lot.
     
  4. Mihael

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    I think Beth has said a lot of good points already.

    I wanted to say that it's not as bad when it comes to discrimination. I mean, it's tough to say, but I haven't experienced blatant transphobia personally. Also, the awareness of trans people and hence understanding and acceptance is increasing.

    I want to second that nobody is going to bother that you look for clothes in the men's section and buy them. A lot of women wear means clothes for comfort they're roomier. Or they're going to think you're buying them for a femily member. I never shopped with a male friend either. Even when I had some IRL, it's tough to take a dude for clothes shopping :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
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  5. Rayland

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    Thank you @Mihael. You guys know how to calm me down. I think this all has overwhelmed me, because there is so much I need to learn and do.
     
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  6. Mihael

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    Yeah, there is a lot of new stuff to deal with, it can be overwhelming
     
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  7. chicodeoro

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    Actually, that is so true Mihael!

    Glad we've helped, Rayland. I remember in the early days after my gender revelation I felt as if I was looking up at a mountain and yes, got overwhelmed at the vastness of it and the terrain I'd have to climb. I think it's really common for us trans folk to feel this way. So be kind to yourself - give yourself a pat on the back for coming this far. You deserve it!

    Beth x
     
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  8. Rayland

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    A lot of it also is all because of my anxiety. I had a meltdown again, when my thoughts all wandered back to it. :cry: I've been looking into information, what would happen, if I come out and would loose my home and got an answer back from the lgbtqia+ center, but even thinking of having to come out and leave here is causing me so much fear and literal panic. I'm so close to getting a diagnosis and getting to be on T.
     
  9. mnguy

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    I am so sorry for how hard this is. It's another example of how much harder trans folks have it. I could be with guys and keep that away from my family, but starting T is very different. Even people who live alone know others who will notice the changes. I wish everyone would treat you with love and compassion so you can be yourself and happy! What if you write to your family to tell them what's up, that you need to know if they will still accept you with this truth and then also if you start T? It should be tragic to them that all of this terror, anxiety, depression, etc is killing you. Is that what they want for their kind, loving child? If so I hope they'll give you enough time to find other lodging. Are any friends or relatives kind to queer folks? If they want you to be happy and continue being there for them, they will have to adjust to the news with time. Having a son is good too.

    Do you have to start T as soon as approved or lose the chance? I hope you can wait until you are fully ready and have reliable support. Is there such a place in the world where people can go to transition and then start a new life elsewhere with people who know you as your true self? Maybe a farm where the people live in tiny houses they build and raise the animals, vegetables and crops, perhaps cannabis too for additional cooperative income. They would support each other and with professionals until one day each one goes off into the world as the real you! Take care and (((hugs)))
     
  10. Rayland

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    I do have a letter written to them. I wrote it a while ago. In this letter there is a lot of emotion in it. I can share it too. I been wanting for it to go smoothly. In the beginning at the very least no one would notice the changes and I'm impatient. I want to start T as fast as possible. I do feel it's soon time for me to come out. It would also mean me having to come out in uni too. I just wish, that when I graduate I would do it under the correct name. It will save me the hassle. I'm impatient, but at the same time scared.

    I was told there are places where I can turn to after coming out, if the worst should happen. None of them are ideal. And the financial instability. I do get some financial aid from the uni, but it's not nearly enough to be able to afford to rent. I've been thinking, that even if just working for fast food place would at least give me extra income. I'm just always busy with everything. I'm helping out at home too and uni work and job searching and everything else.

    One would definitely hope that the parents would love their children unconditionally. It's not sadly always the case. I'm also an adult who should be on their own life and independent. The thing that is killing me is the uncertainty of it all. Me hearing my dad ridicule gay people and being ignorant to boot, while being worried at me being lesbian don't help at all. I can just imagine him starting asking me, if it's all because I like women. Me being kind and loving don't matter. My thoughts and ideas haven't mattered. I don't really have a say to anything at home. My dad often asks my opinion and after saying it, he discards it. He's also controlling, with where I go and why. If I stay out past 4PM, he starts calling me. I have even got embarrassed about it in front of my friends too of him calling me all the time. Even with relatives I'm not very close to or don't feel like I'm someone they care for. If they should, they would choose other family over me.

    All of my family and relatives are conservative and I haven't hear anyone being kind to queer folks either. All I've noticed so far are ridiculing.

    Hugs your way.
     
  11. Rayland

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    I found out, that the longest I have the diagnosis the better it is, so no I don't have to start hormones right away.There's also lots of waiting I need to do.
     
  12. DragonChaser

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    I very much understand just needing to let things out, however - with no offense intended - I believe you did share this for some perspective even if it was broadly setting something down for your own sake, so I will offer what insight I can. Take it as you will.

    It sounds to me like you're facing a lot of the same challenges I am, honestly, and I understand your stress. So many things, so fast; so much to learn and to know, and so many things I wish I already knew. It feels like a cruel joke, being denied your identity your whole life only to to see it all come flooding in and once.

    But at the same time, this is an adventure. They get crazy and dangerous, and sometimes we get lost on the way. Just stay strong, and hold on tight to whatever you can when things get turbulent. And they will. We're the first wave, you know. The first ones not to be marginalized, not to be swatted aside by the enormous apparatus of state and social hierarchy.

    There's going to be growing pains and, unfortunately, even a bit of blood. But we'll survive, as long as we stay strong and fight back against them, by refusing to go down, refusing to accept their bigotry and ignorance, refusing to give up and go home and disappear from their perfect little world.

    The only caution I would give you is to perhaps speak to someone about those feelings of melancholy and sadness. You may be suffering more broadly from depression or an anxiety disorder, and medication is both very helpful and necessary to achieve a normal neuro-chemical balance. Trust me, mental illness can be as debilitating as diabetes, and it certainly has been for me.

    Either way, please take care of yourself, and I mean that; eat good, nourishing foods, get plenty of rest and stay hydrated. Good advice to us all, myself included...

    Sending love and good vibes! :smiley_cat:
     
    #12 DragonChaser, Dec 15, 2022
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2022
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  13. Rayland

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    Thank you Lydia. Sending you love, warm hugs and good vibes back too.

    My therapist knows about it all and therapy and medication has really been helpful to me. I only can talk to my therapist about these things, otherwise I'm all alone in this, if you don't count people online. I've been feeling lonely too. It all feels really isolating. The only place I have felt understood is actually here in the forum. I think I would be in a bad state otherwise, with all of my intrusive thoughts, depression and high anxiety, what gets bigger, when I actually have to leave my house and my therapist knows this too. I have only felt calm, when I'm waiting for my appointment. I even felt like I would need to get admitted into the ward. I would get some peace for a bit from everything. Mental illness can be crippling. I definetly have felt that and this is why I'm finally taking care of myself. I do get setbacks from time to time too, but venting here has really been helpful, just this that there are people who read it all and can relate.

    You did remind me to drink more water, after reading this I did went and drink water. I have this big glow in the dark green water bottle at my night stand, that I fill with water every evening. It has gentelmen's hardware written on it. I think that is the name of the company, but it's somehow calming to me. Might be a bit of a silly thing to find comfort in. Also seeing rainbow colors calm me down too. There are little things like this, that do help. Breathing exercises and medidation has also been helpful and I've been doing voice training on my own and practised singing.
    I also try eat healthily too. Only thing I havent done is exercising, though I need to. One is for loosing weight, but I also have scoliosis (since I was born), what exercises are helpful for. I've had no energy for it, even though I can do it in my room (outside there is so much snow, that you could go and ski everywhere).

    I also went and tried on mens clothing on a store what was a big deal, because I needed to overcome anxiety and it was an assignment from my therapist. It really felt great and even bought something that's very helpful during dysphoria. And been playing around with apps, that change your face to more masculine, what has been giving me a bit of euphoria.
     
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  14. mnguy

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    You're doing great and dealing with a lot so I think you're amazing! You have the best idea to ski outside for exercise! You could ski to class or wherever when you get a lot of snow. Shoveling snow is a great full body workout too so we both get that in winter. I hope you keep feeling better! :hugging:
     
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  15. Rayland

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    I'm not really anyone amazing, just normal person, who tries hard, but thank you. I appreciate it a lot. Hugs.

    I'm shoveling snow everyday and doing chores, so I guess I do get the exercise this way.
     
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  16. DragonChaser

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    Thank you honey, first off, for your e-hugs and good vibrations!

    Secondly, I'm very glad to hear you have a therapist you can talk to about difficult topics, and that you've explored treatment options for your anxiety and melancholy. I know that be a big help, though I'm sorry you don't feel you have anyone else who can relate. Do you feel like there's anyone locally who could understand or maybe some kind of support group? I have people locally who love and support me very much, and I can confirm that makes a pretty significant difference in how comfortable you are expressing yourself.

    I'm also glad you're taking better care of yourself! I'm trying to do the same myself, as I'm sure you know, and I know what an uphill battle against bad old habits it can be. The more progress I make, however, the more progress I want to make. I don't know what additional difficulties with my body would do for that motivation, but I have faith that you're moving in the right direction, so just take it one step at a time!

    And, hey, no judgement about your water bottle or anything else that brings you comfort. We don't choose that sort of thing, it just is what it is. Some imprint from the past or some natural inclination, it doesn't matter, just don't let anyone diminish it by saying it's strange. Strange is relative, and most people live with their heads buried in the sand.

    Also, I'm a bit jealous. I would LOVE to go shopping for some nice skirts or something at a thrift shop, and I've never gotten up the courage. One day soon, I know. I believe it.

    Sending love, my dear brother! Stay warm over there in all that snow!
     
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  17. Rayland

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    Support groups, specialists and lgbt+ center are all located in the Capital. I live in a tiny coastal city, where most of the young people have moved out of and there are more of old people here, so there really is no one close. If I'd want to go and take part of the support group, then I really need to plan for it since in closet and got overprotective parents. I'm also anxious about participating. I don't know anyone there. There is Estonian lgbt+ community, but I'm not nearly as comfortable participating there as I am here. For a long time I felt, that I don't belong anywhere. I have only felt like I'm understood here. I'm really glad you do have people there locally supporting you. I'd problably be less afraid, if I'd have supportive people around me.

    It's all definetly a journey. I learn something new every day about myself, because I never had a chance to explore myself like this before. It's all new for me. If you compare me to others, then I'm just a baby in the community. Habits can be really hard to break. I have intrusive thoughts and self image issues, because body dysphoria, so I've been trying to become more confident and love myself more. In therapy I've been working on it too, but it's hard, when you keep believing that you're worthless, because you're not perfect and you've been told that too, since childhood and see yourself as a monster, when looking into a mirror. But yeah need to take baby steps. It's all doable. We can both surely become true to ourselves.

    Aww, thank you.

    You will surely become able to do it too. It was really hard not to overthink from anxiety, while trying the clothes on. My next challenge will be trying on a suit, this will be difficult. I may actually need to order one online. It's all about setting goals for yourself and depending on the store no one really cares what gender you are, many just buy presents for their loved ones. Maybe the loved one is same size as you. If you think of it that way, then you can do it too.

    No worries I will keep warm. Sending love and take good care of yourself dear sister. Stay safe.
     
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  18. TinyWerewolf

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    Hey Rain, I'm glad to hear you're taking the steps towards transition! I know things are difficult for you in many ways, just wanted to say I'm proud of you! Hang in there, big brother, and here's a hug for you. :slight_smile:
     
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  19. DragonChaser

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    You know, I find we have a great deal in common, though I also find it sad that a great deal of that is in our mutual pain. Still, I think a lot of us know the same sort of hurts, because being who we are makes people reject us instinctually. We are automatically "weird" because 'girls don't like boy things and boys don't like girl things,' or so their logic goes, and then their memory of culture conjures disgusting stereotypes and cliches meant to otherize us that got repeated to them until they were all they knew.

    Simply, when we once tried to express ourselves as we truly were, we were rejected. I remember that distinctly, on many occasions. I'm sorry to make this about me, but I'm unlocking some buried memories now and I think it's important, or at least my mind is telling me so. The truth is, I don't share it just for me, but I think we can all find some of that.

    Not just us as transpeople, but all of us in the community. There was a time we reached for ourselves and we were told "No," on no uncertain terms. That thread of pain unites us all, whether we support each other, or we hide, or we deny with rage, the pain of that rejection is the engine of our fears.

    I wish I could say I feel total relief in that revelation, even if we all knew it all along and I'm just figuring it out for myself for the first time. We tried to be ourselves once, and it ended in disaster. That's why we're here. And, I don't know about the rest of you, but it still hurts me a lot. More than I think I ever truly realized.

    But we're here, and that means we're fighting. And I absolutely refuse to give up!

    Sending good thoughts and warm tidings. :smiley_cat:
     
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  20. Rayland

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    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you little brother. Hugs. I'm proud of you too. World can be cruel, but you just gotta do what you believe in for your own sake. I feel like that my life quality would improve tremendously after transitioning.

    Thank you. I have been in denial for 25 years, since kindergarten. I've realized this only have worsened my mental state. The signs came up and showed themselves in different situations.

    I'm glad, if I can help others too with this thread, so don't worry about talking about yourself too. It also helps hearing about others experiences and makes me feel like I'm really not alone here.

    I don't intend to give up either. There are things I still need to overcome, but once I do, then I can be who I wish to be.




    I have my psychiatrist appointment at 21st and it's time to get that diagnosis, what I'm exited about. I feel like I'm really close to getting hormones, if I don't get yes, then there are other ways. There are no way I'm giving up or loose hope. I need to see endo too, because I have hormonal issues, so maybe I can get my blood tests done too in order to get T and get a treatment plan.
    I will tell my parents once I can't hide the changes anymore, but I feel like they wouldn't even notice, since I have always been a tomboy.
     
    DragonChaser and TinyWerewolf like this.