Why do I feel shame?

Thanks people ☺
So since he and I have been talking we've come to this sort of plan; we're going to see how things go into the lease ends (Sept.) And he is going to actually better himself and take care of himself. That's the goal. And I'm going to date women and do what I need to be happy, and figure out exactly what I want and need because I do still love him and I am still attracted to him. So we both feel a lot better with this plan so he certainly has motivation (trying to basically make it work with me) and I have the time and freedom to really dig into my needs. Without just feeling such a sense of impending doom. He's been extremely understanding so I feel way Moe comfortable talking honestly about stuff, I don't feel like my brain is on fire anymore.

He's very aware that he may end up moving out separately and it's like a relief that he's not totally freaking out, he reminded me he used to survive without me before we met and he'll be okay. But I feel like I can finally breathe and I'm not just bottling everything up and panicking.

 

More confused still. I'm still attracted to him, I'm noticing I'm interested in sex when we have emotional conversations, which is not making this easy for sure. It feels like basically nothing has changed since we originally talked but it's only been less than a week so far, he has done some chores but that's about it... One of his old bff's passed away unexpectedly the other day so we tabled relationship talk for a few days.

It feels just comfortable still. We're gong to spend time together tonight. I still have the deep urge to be alone and live alone though. He said he feels like there's hope, if he didn't think there was hope for us he'd just be looking for his own place because he wouldn't want to stay here until the lease ends.

Why am I so afraid of making it a final end?? He's one of my best friends... This is so confusing and painful. But the thinking about being single and living alone makes me so happy. But also I love him and there are a lot or nice things about our relationship...

 

He certainly is hoping it's just that he doesn't contribute and whatnot that's causing the issues, I definitely thinks that's part of it but I don't think it'll fix everything if he does better. And if I'm not with him I have no interest in men. Like I can see myself having casual sex with men periodically if I really need that but I'm not interested in dating men. I feel like I could do so much more if I was not in this relationship... I cannot imagine travelling with him, or going to family events, or just doing a ton of things... Everything is difficult. He's a difficult person. He has an 11yo son, and we have a puppy. I don't eat any of it anymore. I'm just exhausted.

 

Yeah I know I can find another partner, but it's definitely like guilt and feelings... It'll be a lot harder for him to find a secure partner. He has a kid and a missing front tooth and if he moves out I'm not sure where he'll be living. His kid lives with his mom most of the time at least.

 

Thaaank you. I needed to hear that. You're right he not a pet, we do joke about him being my man-pet since I take care of him and he lives with me buuutttttt... So hard to stop feeling responsible for everything in his life. He's an individual person and I should give him more credit than I do really.

 

Okay we broke up. He really wanted a final decision last night so I did it. I feel relief and horrible, intense pain. He said he's going to move out as soon as he can because it's too hard living with me because he's still very in love with me.