Why do I feel shame?

Hey welcome to EC. It could be that the shame is related to the fact that identifying as a lesbian signals the end of your current relationship. Although having read your other thread I think regardless of your orientation that relationship has run its course and is over.
Another thought I had is that perhaps you now feel some shame because identifying as a lesbian means saying goodbye to ever being in a relationship that parts of society deem as 'normal'.
I think if you could break free of your current situation then you would be in a better place to clear your head and work through this.

 

Are you in an open-ended engagement or is your wedding day planned?

I have been married to my wife for more than 10 years now. Since I'm bisexual, I thought I could hide my sexuality ( was correct) without any negative consequences (here I was incorrect in terms of my own mental well being). I am incredibly lucky that my wife accepted me and, in fact, we realized that we are both bi. We are happy together and want to stay monogamous.

By what you describe, it sounds like you cannot be happy without any hope of a relationship with another woman. It sounds like you would suffer in a straight-passing relationship. I don't think your man would want that for you. I can't give you advice, but I know that if you don't sort this out now, both of you are going to regret it.

 

Also, re-reading this post, it sounds like you are not confused and that you know what you want.

 

I’m sure there is never a perfect time and I am definitely guilty of putting off difficult conversations. I think you just have to keep in mind the clarity you have over what you actually want and how that makes you feel.

 

There are really so many possibilities here with respect to why you feel guilty and your sexuality. It's very likely that you know the reason, but just can't believe it yet?

First of all: your worries are real and need to be addressed. You deserve love, and you deserve to be happy. And so does your partner.

Here are some of my possibly wild guesses ...

Maybe you feel guilty because, no matter what your sexuality is, you do feel love, affection or indebtedness for this man, but the attraction has died or it was never there.

Maybe you feel bad because you want to have children, but being a lesbian wouldn't stand in the way of that.

Maybe you haven't come out to your family and this man is your last chance at a relationship that you can share with your family stress-free?

One unlikely scenario, if you really are bisexual and not lesbian, is that you just aren't really the type for marriage and don't want or need that step. Bisexual attraction can fluctuate and maybe you are just currently more interested in women, although that doesn't sound likely.

All questions of sexuality aside, it is always very hard to end a relationship that the other person wants to continue, but you will never do anyone any favors by suffering in order to delay something that is or might be inevitable.

Love and understanding,
Jim

 

You sound like a very empathetic person who can really understand and feel the feelings of others. If that's the case, maybe you can also understand that his pain will only be greater if you wait a few years?

 

You need a hug and I'm sending you a virtual one right now.

 

Perhaps you have told him in the past you wouldn’t leave him for a woman? So now you feel like you are you feel bad because of your previous comments. The truth of the matter though is that even if you hadn’t realised that you are gay rather than bi you would still be well within your right to end the relationship. As Chip said in the other thread the relationship isn’t healthy so actually sexuality isn’t the only reason it’s not working it is just perhaps the straw that’s breaking the camels back so to speak.

 

Thanks to Chip mentioning it, I've checked your other thread for further context, and I think it's safe to say that whether you're bi or a lesbian, this relationship with your fiance isn't going to work. That it's gone on for as long as it has says a lot (maybe about your perseverance more than any genuine love), but things can't remain as they are. It sounds like you've already emotionally checked out of the relationship, and the only reason you've been sticking around is out of a sense of obligation. No doubt your shame is connected to this, as you feel responsible for him and/or any emotional distress he's been dealing with. Perhaps it's also the belief that if the relationship crumbles, the failure is yours--but it isn't. Sometimes, things don't work out. Sometimes the person you're with isn't compatible; that isn't to say he's a bad person, but at the very least, he's not good for you personally.

It's important to understand you have nothing to be ashamed of. You've done everything in your power to make this relationship work, and it sounds to me like he's done very little. While it's normal for one person to pick up the slack now and again, it shouldn't be constant. But even if he was doing his part, if you truly are lesbian as you suspect, then there's really nothing keeping you with him outside of your own wants or sense of obligation. Some people can stay in opposite-sex partnerships despite being homosexual, but it's not a path for everyone--and if you want out, that's something you need to do for yourself.

I know this is scary, and ultimately whatever decision you make is yours. But whatever choice you make, don't let shame decide for you.

 

I'm happy for you, but sheesh, he's trying to cling on no matter what.

It sounds like you need some time apart because it's going to be hard setting boundaries with him as just a friend.