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Why are people straight or gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Danno1, Jan 7, 2015.

  1. Danno1

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    Okay, so I'm an asexual guy, completely asexual (never had sex nor wish to, don't masturbate, don't watch porn), and for a long time I've been having trouble with understanding why sexual people are either straight or gay, when actually you can supposedly do all the sex stuff with both genders (anal sex, oral sex, kissing..., and don't lesbians have sex with dick toys? wouldn't they feel the same than having an actual dick?). The only thing you can't do I think is dick+vagina when it's two guys, but how is this so important (considering all the other sex stuff you can do) that so many people must identify as solely straight? Like, if a guy is straight but finds himself for whatever reason in a sexual situation with another guy who begins to do stuff to him that a woman would do (a handjob for instance), wouldn't the guy feel aroused too? Likewise with a gay guy, if a woman does oral sex to him (or anal sex with a dick toy) wouldn't he be aroused too despite being gay?

    Now, if it's not about the actual sex then what is it about? The looks? Are straight guys only attracted to feminine bodies, long hair etc.? But what if a guy had long hair and was very feminine-looking, would the straight guy be attracted to him, and if not, why? Because he'd know that he has a penis down there and he doesn't like that thought? And what if the woman has a penis because she's mtf pre-op? Can straight men feel attracted to them, and if so, wouldn't that make them bi since they would be doing sex stuff with another penis? And what if a woman had short hair and was all "macho"?

    I'm honestly lost here, any help would be appreciated, and please I know I'm quite ignorant about this, don't make fun of me xD. I have zero sexual experience whatsoever and I'm just curious why people identify as straight or gay when technically everyone should be bi.
     
  2. danielo21

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    For me romantic feelings and sexual feelings go together. . I fall in love with boys, never with girls. I don't have any romantic feelings with them. A woman can do oral to me and I can get physically aroused but mentally there is no arousal. For me it is not an exciting image and for sex to be pleasurable you need to be "mentally" into it.

    The best and silliest example I can put is tickling. Normally would you laugh from tickling, but not because you want. You only laugh as a physical response of your body. It is the same with sexuality. you can have sex with someone you are not attracted to, but it leaves you empty and is not really enjoyable because you are not mentally into it.

    bisexuals are sexually and romantically attracted to both. But, trust me, for gays and straights there is a huge difference between the sexes in terms of attraction.
     
  3. warholwendy

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    I'm vaguely intrigued by the idea of sex with a man, but I'd probably pick sex with a woman over it. When you're straight you just plain don't have sexual feelings about your own sex. Same with gay people and the opposite sex I would assume.
     
  4. Rikudou

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    Try to understand that no one is 100% straight or 100% gay, it all comes down to preference that is hardwired into the brain of a person. Some people feel sexually attracted to others based on body features, others feel romantically attracted to an individual based on their personality. It is also possible to have a mixture of both. When a person is sexually attracted it can present itself in attraction to specific body features or a combination of them, considering some are different depending on the sex of the person. When a person is romantically attracted it can be to the personality of a person, which differs from person to person but mostly is different between male and female.
     
  5. Fallingdown7

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    Because I'm not attracted to dick and testicles.

    Also I do NOT want a woman to use a sex toy or strap on on me. EVER. No fingers either. No penetration. I hate penetration, tried it alone and hated it. I'm a 'top', I penetrate others and we can give each other oral sex. You can't perform the same kind of oral sex on a guy, they don't have a vagina. They smell differently, It's easier to gag and choke and they spray semen in your mouth (which in my opinion, is no different than drinking a woman's menstrual blood).

    However, even for lesbians who like penetration, a sex toy is NOT the same. There's no semen. There's no veiny dick with hairy balls attached to it. There's no risk of STD's or pregnancy. And It's attached to a woman who's breasts can still be felt.

    And men think differently than women do. A lot of straight men have attitudes on sex and relationships that really turn me off and disgust me frankly. Not saying everyone does, but It's how men are socialized in our society. I feel more equal being with a woman; no gender roles or expectations to do sex acts I don't want to do. And if I say I hate penetration, then non-penetrative sex is still real sex to my partner!
     
  6. Fallingdown7

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    Because I'm not attracted to dick and testicles.

    Also I do NOT want a woman to use a sex toy or strap on on me. EVER. No fingers either. No penetration. I hate penetration, tried it alone and hated it. I'm a 'top', I penetrate others and we can give each other oral sex. You can't perform the same kind of oral sex on a guy, they don't have a vagina. They smell differently, It's easier to gag and choke and they spray semen in your mouth (which in my opinion, is no different than drinking a woman's menstrual blood).

    However, even for lesbians who like penetration, a sex toy is NOT the same. There's no semen. There's no veiny dick with hairy balls attached to it. There's no risk of STD's or pregnancy. And It's attached to a woman who's breasts can still be felt.

    And men think differently than women do. A lot of straight men have attitudes on sex and relationships that really turn me off and disgust me frankly. Not saying everyone does, but It's how men are socialized in our society. I feel more equal being with a woman; no gender roles or expectations to do sex acts I don't want to do. And if I say I hate penetration, then non-penetrative sex is still real sex to my partner!
     
  7. Fallingdown7

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    Because I'm not attracted to dick and testicles.

    Also I do NOT want a woman to use a sex toy or strap on on me. EVER. No fingers either. No penetration. I hate penetration, tried it alone and hated it. I'm a 'top', I penetrate others and we can give each other oral sex. You can't perform the same kind of oral sex on a guy, they don't have a vagina. They smell differently, It's easier to gag and choke and they spray semen in your mouth (which in my opinion, is no different than drinking a woman's menstrual blood).

    However, even for lesbians who like penetration, a sex toy is NOT the same. There's no semen. There's no veiny dick with hairy balls attached to it. There's no risk of STD's or pregnancy. And It's attached to a woman who's breasts can still be felt.

    And men think differently than women do. A lot of straight men have attitudes on sex and relationships that really turn me off and disgust me frankly. Not saying everyone does, but It's how men are socialized in our society. I feel more equal being with a woman; no gender roles or expectations to do sex acts I don't want to do. And if I say I hate penetration, then non-penetrative sex is still real sex to my partner!
     
  8. Danno1

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    Thanks for answering! Hmmm but what do you mean not being "mentally" aroused, even when physically you are? I mean sex is a physical thing, you don't need to want that person as a life partner, hell you don't even need to know the person lol. Why doesn't it feel the same to you when a guy does oral to you than when it's a girl who does it? I mean what exactly makes you gay? Is it that men have a dick, male appearance, male personality (if there is such thing)? If a man doesn't have a dick or a normal-sized one or can't function or get erections for whatever reason (medical condition, car / war accident, ftm trans etc.), would you still be attracted to him? If so what would be the difference than if it were a girl? And what if a guy (with or without a dick) was very effeminate and female-looking and even behaved like a girl, would you still be attracted to him? Sorry for so many questions, it's just so difficult to understand this whole thing.

    Md0123 I don't really understand why being straight you can't have sexual feelings for the same-sex? You just don't like the sight of a penis (even though you have one yourself)? I guess I just don't get what determines if you're gay or straight when seeing it from the outside it is technically the same thing having sex with one sex and the other, I mean why does it matter if the person giving you a blowjob for instance is a guy or a girl (aka if the person has a dick or a vagina)? If you think that person is a girl because you're straight and you get off and everything but then you look down and you realize it's actually a guy, would that be that bad? You felt the same thing, you felt aroused nonetheless, meaning if that guy did it again and this time you knew logically you would get aroused the same way too, right? Or would you all of a sudden not get aroused just because it's a guy's mouth and not a girl's (there's not even a difference!)?

    Rikudou: I understand that, but honestly what you're saying about people having different reasons for their sexual orientation doesn't help xD, if there are so many factors (personality, genitals, physical appearance) and everyone is different then how can I understand why they can't just be bi? Would I have to go about it on a case-by-case basis? Is there any research done about this?

    Fallingdown, um sorry but how can you "penetrate" if you're a girl, you mean putting fingers inside the vagina, like when masturbating? and how can you do oral sex? sorry for my ignorance, but I thought lesbians used toys? Hmm so what you're saying is that you are attracted to girls because you don't like penises and testicles? And what if a guy puts his fingers inside you like a girl would, wouldn't you feel the same? or thinking that the guy has a dick down there disgusts you so much that you wouldn't enjoy anything he does to you? And what if the guy has no dick or testicles? And what if the person is a trans girl and still has a dick and testicles? I don't know, I just find it so hard to imagine someone being 100% straight or gay just because they don't like certain genitals. Do sexual people really place such importance on genitals?
     
  9. stocking

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    sigh :rolle:

    um it's not called a dick toy it's called dildo ,and it's not the same as a penis and no I will not be having sex with a man because I'm not attracted to them so why would i bother .

    Let me ask any cis male regardless of any sexual orientation look down at your penis right now ,and tell me is your penis is it glass , silicone , and plastic or the colors red pink and blue or bunch of colors . Also when your done having sex , do you take your penis off and throw it in a draw or leave your penis on the nightstand also when washing it do you guys put it in a dishwasher then leave it out to dry ?"

    Another thing some gay men use flesh lights for sexual pleasure ,and I don't think that makes them less gay does it ?
    Last time I checked my vagina is not a flesh light .

    Sex toy does not equal genitalia people; Plus not all toys are shaped like penises ,and not all lesbians like dildos or penetration for that matter . Sounds like you watched a great deal of porn to think this way or have been listening to a bunch of non sense .

    It's the same way a straight man can enjoy pegging , the fact remains that he is having sex with a woman . Same for a lesbian and the strap on is having sex with a woman .
    You can't compare a woman with breast and a vagina wearing a strap on to a male that has no breasts or no vagina and isn't wearing a strap on to another female last time I recalled they have a chest and a penis testicles you really need to study up on your biology and learn about the human male body .

    What sex acts people do in bed doesn't always equal the sexual orientation it's the gender their doing it with that counts .

    Also as for your question why are people straight or gay, probably for the same reason you are asexual .
     
    #9 stocking, Jan 7, 2015
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  10. Fallingdown7

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    I can penetrate by attaching a strap-on dildo to my waist; straight women can penetrate men as well and many enjoy it. I just don't want anything inside ME, and yes that includes fingers. I do not like fingers inside me either, personal preference.

    Not all lesbians use sex toys, in fact most don't. Only around 20% of lesbians use a dildo in their sex lives. The vast majority of us only use tongue, hands, or genital humping.

    No I would not enjoy it if a man went down on me. I don't enjoy any kind of sex unless It's with a woman because women attract me. Saying a gay person would enjoy receiving oral sex from the opposite sex because it feels the same is like saying a normal person would enjoy receiving oral sex from their parent, a toddler, or a dog because it feels the same.

    I don't date men with vaginas because I feel I would disrespect their identity and testosterone makes them smell like man.

    I don't date pre-op trans women either because I don't want to look/touch their genitals and I want to play with a vulva. I DO date post-op trans women however. The chromosomes don't matter as much as the genitals do. I have had crushes on cis women with CAIS, so ruling out all trans women wouldn't be fair. But I have to rule out some if it harms my sex life.

    I could still love a pre-op trans woman since they attract me romantically in the same ways cis women do (and yes they are real women), but the relationship would only work if she's okay with 'no sex ever' and is also okay with me having a second girlfriend to have sex with. Otherwise I can wait till SRS.

    And I only have sex with people I love and have dated for a year or more, so this 'feels the same' doesn't make any sense. I have to be in LOVE with them to even consent to any kind of sex.

    Yes, I place a huge importance on genitals. I don't date women ONLY for their genitals, but no vagina = no sex acts of any kind from me. It wouldn't feel like a real relationship.

    ---------- Post added 7th Jan 2015 at 06:40 PM ----------

    Also this post is incredibly homophobic/monophobic. You are asexual, so why don't you just have sex with people of every gender since you might like it?

    Lesbians are already at risk of being raped by straight men, I don't have to justify why I don't like men. I just DON'T.
     
    #10 Fallingdown7, Jan 7, 2015
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  11. stocking

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    Do sexual people really place such importance on genitals?

    Um yeah but not all of us do maybe us straight , gay and lesbian folks indeed we do

    I'm only attracted to women I love a vagina I don't know why but I've always loved a vagina . :slight_smile:
    I think it will be hard for an asexual person to get that

    Falling is right this does sound incredibly homophobic/monophobic

    For someone who doesn't watch porn you know a great deal about what lesbian porn is like . you sure you aren't watching it ?:confused:
     
    #11 stocking, Jan 7, 2015
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  12. Danno1

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    Sorry I have to go but I'll respond tomorrow! Just a couple of things: dildo, right! thanks for reminding me haha, I don't really know much of the whole sex vocabulary. Fallingdown, I didn't mean to offend you (or anyone else), sorry if my questions sound homophobic/monophobic but that's not true at all, perhaps they are ignorant (I am ignorant about this) but how is ignorance offensive? I thought this was a good forum to post this kind of question. I don't want you to "justify" why you're a lesbian, I didn't say that, I am just asking what exactly makes you one, I would just like explanations to make me understand, because I just don't get why sexual people aren't bi (but I am starting to understand now with all your answers). I don't have sex with people of every gender because I don't have a libido, I can't physically nor mentally do it, but with sexual people, they DO feel arousal and desire to have sex, and sex is just sex what does it matter if the one who is pleasuring you has a dick or a vagina if both can do most of the same sexual things to you.

    "Saying a gay person would enjoy receiving oral sex from the opposite sex because it feels the same is like saying a normal person would enjoy receiving oral sex from their parent, a toddler, or a dog because it feels the same." How is that the same? You can't possibly be attracted to your parent, toddler or dog (whatever their gender is), unless you're into incest or pedophilia anyway. And a toddler and a dog can't give you oral. Let's please be serious about this, and if you are and this is a valid comparison, I just don't see how these things are remotely comparable to sexual orientation.

    Oh and how can you guys conclude I watch a lot of lesbian porn? lol. Answering your question, no I have in fact never watched lesbian porn, only straight and gay a few times - out of curiosity only since I'm ace. Maybe I should though, so I can understand better how they actually do it.
     
    #12 Danno1, Jan 7, 2015
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  13. stocking

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    I'm not asexual but I don't ask you why you don't like genitals and nor do I think that if you had sex with both genders that you would magically start liking sex and quit being a sexual . I think ignorance is the prefect word here .

    Plus no not everyone is bisexual I mean if everyone was bisexual straight , gay and asexuals wouldn't exist right ?:confused:

    Which means I would have been bisexual you , falling ,and everyone on here would be bisexual and we wouldn't need this site and Sites like EC wouldn't exist because everyone would be the same and sexual orientation and discrimination wouldn't be a huge problem like it is in the world today now would it because we would be all bi and wouldn't care what we got when we put our hand down someone's pants or what sex we dated .
     
  14. soulcatcher

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    Simple. Gay men are attracted to masculine secondary sexual characteristics and a penis. Gay women are attracted to feminine anatomical traits and vagina.
    Basically whatever is attached below the belt determines the outcome.
     
  15. Fallingdown7

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    I don't see how those things are not comparable. There are plenty of people who have incest and pedophiliac attractions. In fact incest is perfectly acceptable to most liberals and if there was no taboo I'm sure many of us would be completely fine with trying it.

    Asexuals feel an arousal and desire to have sex too. There are asexuals way more horny than any sexual I've ever met. The difference is there are not attracted to a specific gender. Some asexuals even enjoy having sex with their romantic partners.

    I don't have a normal libido or a desire to have sex with anyone that moves, I do it to express feelings for a lover, which just happens to be female. Sex is not sex to me, it's a very intimate and very powerful thing that I barely trust anyone with.

    Also have you not realized that maybe the majority of gay people don't want to risk pregnancy? Straight sex isn't fun and games, it has the risk of pregnancy and a very very high STD risk.

    Did you also know that the majority of women do not feel pleasure or orgasm from being penetrated by a penis, while sex toys are designed to reach certain spots?

    Have you also not realized men act differently than women do? And that many straight men are downright scary and disrespectful in the bedroom especially if It's a casual thing? That they're raised to be entitled to women's bodies?

    I realize no offense is intended but this thread is hurtful because the majority of lesbians are constantly questioned, pressured, and forced to have sex with men. That when we say we don't like dick we always have to explain -why-.

    And that's the thing, you're stereotyping sexual people as sex crazed people by saying 'sex is just sex so what does it matter'? Many sexuals, including myself have low sex drives and low interest in sex, and require trust and love from our partners. I don't have sex with anyone I'm not in love with, and I fall in love with feminine personalities, with women who relate to me as women. I don't have or want sex with even 99% of women out there either, because sex is NOT just sex to me, It's private and reserved and I'm not turned on by most people anyway, just rare amounts of people. And the fact that my partner has no risk of getting me pregnant or penetrating me with something is the kind of relationship I need.

    Plus, do all straight people want to have sex with every person of the opposite sex ever? We all have boundaries and physical preferences; being 'sexual' does NOT mean 'willing to open my legs to everything that moves'.
     
    #15 Fallingdown7, Jan 7, 2015
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  16. soulcatcher

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    By the way, I hope that if you use some logic, you will realize that sexual attraction is unconscious and sexual arousal cannot be controlled.

    Your comment about placing too much importance on genitals implies the conclusion that is contrary to what I had stated above.

    Simply stated, a homosexual homorantic person would not enjoy a relationship with a member of an opposite sex, just because they were born this way!
     
  17. Quiet Raven

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    I just simply.... Don't feel an attraction toward men the same way I do women. It is hard for me to really explain why. That being said, can you explain why you feel no sexual attraction to anyone?

    But yeah, Fallingdown explained it really well and I agree with most of what she said.

    But as for genitals, for me, it goes beyond just a non attraction. Penises, and especially the semen, are repulsive to me. So no, I do want want to be sexully involved with a man. Or anyone with a penis.
     
  18. sublimeprincess

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    Hmm, I am bisexual, and I get as a person with no understanding of sexual arousal or attractiveness might ask all those questions. You have to realize people are coming from a very personal level and mainly have anecdotal evidence, but I think you're looking for actually researched stuff. This is NOT the site to do this. Google scholar some of your questions :slight_smile:

    Here are some objective things to consider:

    If you want to be really scientific about it, there's actually evolutionary purposes behind a lot of this. Lots of articles show A LOT of data dealing with sexuality, which usually has neurology and epigenetics involved. Get this! Data suggests that pheromones have a lot to do with sexuality! They first purposed the study with a type of monkey called Bonobos, which is a type of monkey that likes both genders! Now what is epigenetics? It's not exactly our genes, but it's the changeable outer layer of our DNA (yes, data supports the theory that our behaviors actually change our DNA and every day more and more research is supporting this). Researchers propose that it has to deal with estrogen, testosterone, but MOST importantly is our levels of ANDROGENS (see http://www.the-scientist.com/?artic...title/Can-Epigenetics-Explain-Homosexuality-/ )! Here's the kicker though! Because our epigenetics CAN BE MODIFIED, sexual orientation can be changed from generation to generation (that may be why a kid of straight person is gay/bi or gay/bi parent has straight kid). Basically it boils down to nature AND nurture - as in, biology and the environment both play interaction effects towards how one person feels sexually and/or romantically interested in another. And although there's a huge spectrum for bisexuality, people have environmental and biological predispositions (factors) that make them identify with lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, and the like.
     
    #18 sublimeprincess, Jan 7, 2015
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  19. stocking

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    um I hope your not saying their aren't other sexual orientations besides bisexuality because I 'm not bisexual identify I as lesbian because I'm only romantically and sexually attracted to women not men and I have not felt that way about a man ever . I really hope I'm misunderstanding what your saying .
    I do agree with you that there are different degrees of bisexuality , but I hope your not saying eveyone on the planet is bisexual but just don't know it yet that sounds very monophobic and homophobic as well .
    And let's not forget people say bisexuality is just a stepping stone to gay or straight and I don't agree with that BS either and I hope to God you know better . Than telling gay men , lesbian , asexual and straight people they don't exist and only your sexuality is the only real one and we're some type of closet bisexuals who don't know it yet . Let's not forget some gays and lesbians often called bisexuals gays with internalized homohobia and straights said you didn't exist . Yet here you are doing the same thing to others .
    I stand up to biphobia very often on this site but I will not excuse and ignore bisexual people being monophobic and homophobic and I will call them out on it . This is not right and you know it and you should know better.
    Just you have been discriminated against doesn't mean you should do the same to others you should grow from it .
     
    #19 stocking, Jan 7, 2015
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  20. Quiet Raven

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    I don't think that is what she is saying... If I understand correctly, she is just saying that our biology and environment both affect our orientation.