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Want to come out to friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Skye314, Feb 13, 2021.

  1. Skye314

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Location:
    New Hampshire
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm out to a couple people right now about my gender, but since I told them long ago, I've shut myself back into my closet and have avoided telling anyone since. For a little while now, I've been back to questioning my gender (somewhere between trans, non-binary, and genderfluid), because my dysphoria has been getting harder and harder to deal with. One of my closest friends that I talk to online daily has noticed that I'm struggling, and he knows that I have depression as well, but he can also tell that it's more than that, but since I met him 5 years ago, after I started pretending to be cis again, he doesn't know. I know that he would be supportive and even though he is straight and cis, he's still an ally and is supportive of our other lgbtq+ friends, and I want to come out to him because I feel like I'm hiding an important part of myself from him and I trust him completely, I feel like there's just some mental block getting in my way, besides not having a clear label for my identity right now. Like, I'll type the first couple words of a message, and then be overwhelmed by nervousness and delete it all. Any advice for overcoming the fear associated with coming out?
     
  2. Unsure77

    Full Member

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    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    When I started coming out as gay, saying the words in a mirror to myself helped a lot (if you’re in a place where you can get enough privacy to do that). It’s harder to do than you might think if you’ve never done it. Maybe even writing it down (again, if that’s safe for you to do). Also (I don’t know if it’s a good strategy or not, but it’s what I did)...people in my core friend group weren’t the first people I told. I initially told people I very much so trusted and knew were allies. But, it was people I was a little less afraid of losing. So, it was less scary to tell them because the stakes weren’t as high. And then they were able to celebrate with me when I DID tell my core friend group.
     
    #2 Unsure77, Feb 14, 2021
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2021
    Lesbee and Skye314 like this.
  3. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Skye324.....Hello and a very big LGBTQ+ welcome to Empty Closets! Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! The most important two factors in deciding when to come out are:

    *****1) Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you...not them.

    *****2) Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being kicked out of your house, having no way to support yourself, having all privileges (phone, computer, friends, etc.) taken away, being verbally or emotionally abused as well as the danger of physical abuse. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important. Try to evaluate these things and see what you seriously think about the results of coming out would be. Sometimes waiting...even when it is so difficult...is the only safe way to come out.

    *****Please don't get into a rush about coming out...you have plenty of time! You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents. and friends. There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! An additional plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had years to think about your sexuality...giving them at least some time to think about it only seems fair as well as getting you out of a potentially difficult, emotion-based conversation! Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help!

    *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or 10 years from now, your parents and friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of ten or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person.

    *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php

    *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you!

    .....David :gay_pride_flag: