Hello, I've read this forum quite a lot when I was questioning and "panicking" over my sexuality and I always saw very nice, honest and down to earth answers from most people here that went through a variety of different experiences, so I decided to leave this vent here. For context, I am in my 30,s male and I suffered from OCD quite early age but It stopped when I started questing my sexuality at 15, it didn't start as you usually expect, feeling attracted to man, I was made fun off for never even kiss a girl and after looking at a boys groin, the question popped into my head, so I started spending hours looking at pictures of man to see if I could get an answer which progressed to gay porn, then trying to masturbate to it, etc. It was like this for quite some time, I feared being gay but the worst part was I needed a certain answer which was quite "ill" if I think back. So, that's how it started but in my mid twenties I made gay friends randomly, due to circumstances, we went out and even to gay bars, so I went from fearing being gay and being seen as gay, to go to gay bars It was fun for sure but never felt anything beyond that. I also started allowing myself to have gay fantasies, I had all types of gay fantasies, being top and even bottom but never felt anything beyond that after "exploring" those fantasies. The cycle continued, since I can't be straight if I have gay fantasies but also never felt that in real life, the look for answers never was conclusive. Also, I only had sex twice until today with 2 prostitutes, so this really affected me growing up. The final phase was when I suddenly realised how good and happy some gay couples were, touching each others hair, how they look at each other, the feeling behind it and I thought how nice it would be if I felt that, I really wish I was gay because I am quite terrible with women, my confidence is extremely low to stand out but I don't feel the same feelings they do. That was the big realisation, so to say. Some people will speculate I am bisexual or bi curious but after going the whole rollercoaster, giving myself a chance to be gay, I can say I am straight, certainly not 100% straight, I accept I have occasionally gay fantasies, as I have fantasies about BBW, black women, etc (you get what I mean), in our head everything can look arousing and interesting but that doesn't mean you want to do it in real life. Reaching this conclusion brough me freedom and peace. Thanks for reading, keep being awesome.
That is how I feel -not all fantasies mean that you want them in reality. Maybe a good rule for someone confused this way is to only act on what you experience in reality?
Definitely pay more attention on how you feel in real life than on fantasies, they are just a distraction. I always struggled to do so because I was looking for a 100% clear proof answer and never accepted less. After I accepted that I do have gay fantasies, I started to feel more confident and less nervous which helped me pay more attention to how I felt in real life.
Vanderx7.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can post a question on my Profile Page or send me a Private Message. .....David
I am glad you are figuring things out. Fantasies can add a wrinkle in perception for sure. Especially when fantasizing with porn. Fantasy is nor reality. The type can lead to an understanding of your attractions, but it can also lead in false directions simply due to the excitement of the taboo. We can do this in our heads as well. I am glad you were able to explore and have honest conversation with yourself, figuring things out. Peace!
