Unsure of my Gender Identity and I need help please?

So I feel at the end of my rope, my friends are pretty much almost all LGBTQ, but none of them believe me that I have gender dysphoria, and even my psychiatrist I recently stopped seeing didn't believe me due to no pronouns feeling right or correct for me.

I'm biologically female, and I'm very curvy, but I hate it. I always wanted a slimmer, smaller frame. I want a more masculine or tomboy-ish body naturally, I always did, having larger breasts I was bullied constantly for as a kid and I hated them ever since. I always wanted to be as smart and as strong as the guys in my classes, I hated being considered one of the girls, but I was always informed of how weak I was, how I cannot overpower a man, how I should just do what I'm supposed to do if a guy forces himself on me of mugs me, and it just made me realize that I can't be the way I want as a woman, and that I'm probably not a woman deep down.

For the past year, I felt like I had this void or odd magnetic lack of something on my crotch, like I was missing something. it recently slowly went away, but the constant thought and feeling that I was missing anatomical parts of my body never did (those thoughts have been with me for years and years, and no one to this day knows). I essentially realized that, at one point, I might be trans, but I don't want to be a man. It was confusing to me. When I tried explaining these feelings to my friends, they questioned me, and I backpedaled and just said I was intergender. Another friend then took the opportunity to come out as trans, which is fine, but they accepted her with open arms and always called her with the proper pronouns and name. I gave a name and pronouns that I thought I wanted, and they always forgot, couldn't remember to use it, and it made me hate the name that I chose. My trans friend started demanding a name and pronoun from me, to know what my gender is, and started screaming at me because I make her uncomfortable talking about me to her other friends because she doesn't know what to call me. My other friends call me emotionally draining, and state they think I have autism, or BPD and that I clearly don't have gender dysphoria because no pronouns work and I still, to this day, won't give them a name or anything.

I tried to be called Trans-Nonbinary, then Agender, then Bigender, but they all just made me feel worse. But now, I finally know what I feel, but there's no actual label I can find that seems to show or explain who I am, and it's upsetting to me. I feel like I should have been born intersex, that I should have XX/XY chromosomes, that I will absolutely go through surgical requirements to have cadaver genitalia attached to me so I can feel like I'm actually both sexes. I don't feel bigender, pangender, agender, ambigender, androgyne, every nonbinary gender makes my dysphoria feel so much worse and I spiral. My brain and soul truly feel like they're both, and my body is the only thing that isn't. The only way I could actually explain this to my gender therapist without her getting confused was by telling her the mythos of Hermaphriditos, the son of Hermes and Aphrodite that was fused with a female nymph. I'm considering maybe I'm a xenogender of some kind but I have no clue...

Ironically, I'm pagan and two of the gods I worship are shapeshifters, the Morrigan and Loki, both of them calm me down when I wear their beads when I get much worse about this. If I could shapeshift to have both naturally like a slug or a frog, that would be a dream come true.

 

I did explain that it hurt my feelings how she reacted, and she just got angrier and doubled down. It's unfortunate but every person I've met in life just tends to not really accept me for me, and I end up being servile in every role so I can take care of everyone and make them happy while no one takes care of me. I'm hoping, once the pandemic is over and quarantine is up where I live, I sit my friends down personally and tell them what they're doing to me is wrong and that I genuinely just want the same love and support that I give them and that they give each other (I've cried to myself a lot most days about this).

I know I can't really fix myself physically, but I really can't explain it other than no nonbinary gender fits me or makes me comfortable, and every label I try just makes me feel worse. I've even tried asking on other LGBT forums on Quora and mods hid my question or people would simply reiterate what intersex is (which I know what it is, I've taken genetics for my degree and I know everything about chromosomal and hormonal differences in things). I know my trauma and life can be making me not like myself, but I know I don't want to fully become the opposite gender, nor do I want to look androgynous. I simply just want to be, well, me. I want to be physically both, but it's impossible. If there were a way to surgically graft via cadaver parts and not remove my own existing organs excluding my uterus, then I would be thrilled.

It's why I'm wondering what other concepts could be out there that I might be missing that I haven't tried.

This isn't something new; I'm used to having this happen even in other aspects of life. I have MDD (major depressive disorder), and therapy makes it worse along with meds. My headaches are things I have to ride out as well because medication doesn't work either. I gain weight constantly even if I do fastings and my bloodwork and thyroid are perfectly fine and nobody can figure out why. I'm just a constant outlier, and I hate it. Nobody seems to believe me when I tell them something, and when I show them or prove to them what I'm going through, it's always something that can't be fixed or there's nothing that can be done for it and I get "oh well, have you tried just taking a deep breath and taking it one day at a time?"

 

Sorry, I guess I'm bad at wording things.

I talked more to my gender therapist and she said that I have to coin my own term because of how I feel since there's nothing out there for me at the moment.

I guess the best way I can describe it is that I feel gender dysphoria and don't want to be female biologically, but I also have this thing I call "chromosomal dysphoria", where I feel like I should have been born with XX/XY mosaicism and I'm trapped in the wrong body just as XX. if I could change my genetic makeup as a zygote, I would. I would love to transition, but I know it would not make me feel better and I would still feel like I'm lying to myself.

My dysphoria is confusing, I don't know what gender I am, it has no words to describe it. I'm not feminine, I don't feel masculine, I don't feel like I'm nothing or in between or fluid or anything like that. I just feel like a complete monster or creature that really wants to be a human.

 

I've tried therapy, no therapist will take me anymore due to being resistant to all forms of treatment and psychiatric medication. I've tried IOP, group, art therapy, Hollistic, outpatient, DBT, CBT, Psychodynamic, I'm currently waiting on a second appeal for TMS treatment to be hopefully covered by insurance. The only therapist I am seeing still is my gender therapist, and she doesn't know what to do either.

 

I can't meditate, it causes breakdowns for me or I just can't relax and stress out more. I accept the real world and know what I want is impossible, it just all makes me feel worse.

Sorry I shouldn't say this stuff. I'll get back on topic.

I looked into Salmacian, and it's almost right but not exactly. I still have to find a way to coin a term for how I feel, but it's very difficult.

 

I actually was told to draw a character that could represent me since I play DnD and I want to do character design, but I can't put what I feel into drawing either since I can't exactly figure out what I should look like or how I should be portrayed, what body type I should have, what would be most appealing, and so on. I don't know what to draw, I never do when it comes to drawing something involving myself or how I feel. It's why I didn't do well in art therapy, I just stared at the paper and got angrier and angrier at myself because nothing was coming out of my head. The characters I currently have aren't things I want to see as parts of me, they're independent creatures that have small reflections of me in them, but they're all their own real people in my head and world, and I won't cling to them as they weren't that originally.

As for why I'm resistant to therapy, I mean that therapy worsens my condition. Whenever I would try coping skills and actively participate in therapy, my depression and anxiety would continuously get worse with no sign of improvement no matter how much time would pass. I want to get better, I truly do, but it would always make me worse, and therapists always end up dropping me when they see that I'm worsening in comparison to the other patients or I'm considered "too complex a case for them". I've tried multiple forms and I'm now considered resistant, so I have to look into ECT, TMS, Ketamine infusions, more experimental forms of treatment.

 

Thank you, I'm glad that I feel more valid on here than on the other sites and when talking to my friends and previous therapists. I have been constantly told that I don't exist and finally getting told that I do, it feels like I can breathe for the first time in my life. Thank you for that, everyone.

I'm going to have to venture forth and make a label of my own, but I already am talking about what I feel in two different ways to help explain how it feels to others. I tell them about gender dysphoria, but also about what I call "chromosomal dysphoria", which is the closest thing I can describe the feeling I have about my body. It's where my brain specifically is telling me I need to be a certain karyotype, but my body isn't, and I cannot change that (obviously), so it's always weighing on me. It's like...it's like when you see those video interviews about those people who feel deep down that they were supposed to be born a different race or that they're not human and are surgically trying to make themselves look nonhuman. It's something more biologically connected in my brain that's correlating to my gender dysphoria, but it's a separate issue I have to tackle.

As for the character idea, I cannot draw them still, but I do have two concepts that I could play with to show what I feel like I am. They're two entities, I can't merge them for some reason. I just need to figure out how to draw them first, but once I do I will post them!

 

So I think what I'm saying is getting lost in translation, and I apologize for that as I am hard at explaining stuff. I don't go to therapy hoping people will validate what I feel, I never want these feelings validated. I know my depression is unhealthy, and I need to develop coping skills that can properly guide me through life and dull the feelings of it whenever it spikes. However, for some reason, using coping skills and trying different forms of talk therapy never worked for me. I would be open and honest with how I felt, I always implemented what advice they gave me and knew that this should help me and make me feel better, but it always made me decline in mental health. There was no rhyme or reason behind it until someone diagnosed me as "Treatment Resistant", meaning normal methods of treating depression just don't work, and affect a small percentage of people with depression. Seeing as how my body reacts poorly to psych medication, and my mother has the same issue as me so it's genetic in that regard.

I'm currently seeking out different forms of therapy like TMS, Ketamine, ECT, etc. To help with this chronic issue. Like I said, I don't want these feelings validated, I want to be told I'm wrong by therapists and I want them to give me the advice needed to better myself. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work for me it seems,and the same can be said with my mom so I think it runs in the family somewhat.

I know what my gender dysphoria feels like, but this is something that's separate and I am able to pin point it, which I am finding relief that I can figure that out in my head. I know surgery can never give me what I want so there's no point in trying, so I'm looking into if there's a way to do cadaver transplants while saving what I already have. They can do it on cis-men, they're about to do it on the first transman, I want to see if there are possible options there. If not then it's fine, I can give up on that end.

And, as for the religion part, that felt a bit rude to me, no offense I hope! It's just that religion has been persistently forced on me my entire life and still is, and I'm content as a pagan. I worship my gods, I love my deities and I hope they love me too.

 

Okay! I was able to finally draw the two characters that I feel represent what I personally feel I'm going through with my gender issues, and I think they turned out okay. I finished up my quarter in school, so I was able to focus entirely on this so I think that helped. I wrote what each one represents too, one being more on the physical/biological sex aspect for me, the other being more subjective gender aspect.

Sorry if it's low quality, the JPEG I was trying to upload was too big a file, so I had to reduce the resolution :/