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Two Gay Brothers

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by redghost, Jul 19, 2018.

  1. redghost

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    Posting on behalf of my good friend who doesn't have an account!

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    "I've been out for a few years now to most of my friends and even coworkers but not my family, with the exception of my little brother and my two older sisters. I'm in my 20s, still stuck at home and trying to get a better job to get out, my parents are very conservative and homophobic, and at this rate I'd planned to never come out to them. My little brother found out I'm gay some time ago and I'm close with all my siblings who've been supportive. But my brother just recently came out to me as gay, too.

    I followed all the right steps and was supportive and encouraging the whole time so he'd feel accepted, and we talked for hours. But the whole time, I was holding in the urge to cry. I finally did when I went to bed and I couldn't stop. I should be happy for him, but I'm not at all. The whole time he was talking to me and I'm smiling I was thinking about how hard this will be for him, the idea of our parents finding out both their sons are gay, wondering if my influence as an older brother made him this way, recoiling at the revelation he's already had a sexual experience, then the horrifying thought that he might encounter someone I've already encountered (or someone I blocked because they were crazy or violent).

    I'm scared for him, and now I feel so weird around him because I know he wants to bond over this but this is so... shocking. I was confident I was the only lgbt person in our family except for a gay aunt, and I don't know how to process this. Is this internalized homophobia? Am I only concerned about his future and safety because of realistic expectations of the hardships he'll face?

    I know I have to keep showing face so he knows he has a confidant in me, but I don't know how long I can keep this up, and I can't talk to any of the friends I'd usually talk to because I don't want to out him to them. How should I handled this?"

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  2. johndeere3020

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    The first thing I would consider is to talk to my little brother with the concerns you brought up here. What is his age, do you think he can process all this?

    Dean
     
  3. smurf

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    There is some of both going on, which is to be expected. If you were brought up in a homophobic household then its a normal reaction to your sibling coming out. One thing is to accept yourself, but sometimes it takes more time to completely get rid of internalized homophobia. So the first thing I would invite you to do is lean into the discomfort and make it a goal to get past the feelings so you can be there for your brother.

    Life is tough as an LGBT person, but if you have people that love you support you and help guide you then the fight becomes so much easier and bearable.

    This is one of those tricky situations. You need to be able to talk to other people about it. One way you can do is find a local PFLAG group around you where you can anonymously talk about your issues. That or you can talk to your brother and ask him for permission to tell some of your friends who you trust so you can freely talk to them about your life.

    Nope, not possible. If sexuality worked this way they most of us would be straight. Most of us have amazing straight role models so why didn't we just come out straight? Because it doesn't work that way.

    You didn't make your brother gay. At all.

    What you did was give your brother a person who he can count on and confine in. That's a beautiful gift that wouldn't be possible if you hadn't done all the hard work of coming out yourself. So don't beat yourself up, you are doing an amazing thing by being open and honest with your brother.

    Haha yes. Learning that our younger siblings have sex can be shocking. Even more shocking if you have some homophobia going on. The trick here is that you are in a position that you can help him have safer-sex by helping him out. It can be an awkward conversation, but when you are up for it make sure you educate yourself about STD's, HIV and even how to spot a crazy person to make sure he keeps himself protected.
     
  4. brainwashed

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    A same sex sexual encounter does not mean one is gay long term. This is called explore and discover. I'd say you are "overthinking" this, letting homophobia rule you. Relax a bit. Find someone, some group to talk and open up.

    And open up to your brother. Tell him how you feel. Show him (do not tell him) you are the "go to person" for help and love.
     
    #4 brainwashed, Jul 20, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2018
  5. Lexa

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    Exactly this.
     
  6. SemiCharmedLife

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    I have a friend who is one of 3 gay brothers. I have a gay cousin on one side and a not-straight cousin on the other. Sometimes it just runs in families. You and your brother are so lucky to have each other!
     
  7. Railwayj

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    I would be thrilled to death to have a gay brother at your age, or any age for that matter. You didn’t mention his age but If you are early twenties he can’t be that far behind you since you said he has already had sex. I think you are probably close or relatively close in age so you probably have a lot in common with trying to be young and gay in this day and age. I would think you would have a lot to talk about and share with one another, depending on how close you and your brother are. Having someone in the same situation you are both in that you can trust would be amazing for both of you. Maybe that is why he told you he was gay and about his experience(s) sexually. Discussing both of that with you shows that he trusts you. He may even see you as a role model. I wouldn’t be so scared for him that it makes you cry. Like i said. You are probably close enough in age to share things with one another and help one another out. You can help him a lot by sharing what you have learned about being a young gay guy and what and who to look out for. I don’t know if he told you how he found whomever he had experience with but if it was online you might could talk to him about the positives and negatives about that environment and what to look out for. If for some reason you think he may be looking online at the same people you had chats or encounters with and you knew of some that weren’t safe or were just crazy, you would be helping him to warn him about those. You wouldnt have to go into specifics with him, but brotherly advice I’m sure would be appreciated. Would be interesting if he told you who he had met and If it was someone’s you had an encounter with as well. Calm down and take a deep breath and think about how lucky you are to have a gay brother. :slight_smile:. Remember he is probably in the same situation you were a few years ago. Think back about what was worrying you at his age and that would give you some idea as to what to talk to him about or help him with.