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(TRIGGERING) Just need to vent- I used to believe I was headed to hell

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Pham897, Jan 4, 2022.

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  1. Pham897

    Pham897
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    I'm a bit confused as to who made me believe that but I was raised in a conservative country in East Europe. People generally consider gays to be either degenerates or pitiful (i'm a lesbian). Also, religious figures do exert a lot of influence over citizens so needless to say, I was going to hell. In the first half of 2020 (i was 17 yo) I went through a spiritually traumatic experience, as I was realizing that fact. I began searching online for different points of view (such a horrible decision- NEVER EVER DO THAT), just because I didn't have the guts to come out to my parents (who used to oppose homosexuality) and reach for their help. I went through 4 weeks of crying my heart out. I was just shaken to the core. All I wanted was to die, as despair was quickly taking over me. I was constantly being tormented by the thought that I was going to rot in the everlasting fiery pits of hell. I cannot express what I was feeling: a mix of wrath, agony, bitterness, angst and desolation. All of my expectations, plans and desires suddenly vanished. My world collapsed. My life was over and I had no reason to be alive. I believed I was headed to hell ever since I was about 13 yo, even though in 2020 i finally totally came to terms with my beliefs at the time. Fast forward to now, I no longer believe I'm going to hell (thanks to my parents who I came out to), but I can't get over what I used to feel. I have flashbacks and then need to weep a couple of times a week. Can't visit churches (they trigger panic attacks in me), can't even see priests without feeling anxious. I've been much more pessimistic (i kind of have a foreshortened sense of future). Overall, I'm now able to wish for good things to happen, have future plans, expectations. It's just that I can't seem to be able to deal with the fact that I could die anytime. Dunno, just needed to vent...
     
    #1 Pham897, Jan 4, 2022
  2. quebec

    quebec
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    Pham.....I try to welcome everyone who joins Empty Closets on their first post, but it seems that I have missed you. SO...Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: As for the religious shame that you have endured...I can understand that. When I finally accepted that I am and always have been gay, my biggest conflict was my faith. I did not grow up in a religious family. All of my faith has come from choices that I have made myself. That made the situation even worse. I spent quite a lot of time in research and study before I was able to see that the Bible does not condemn the LGBTQIA+ Community at all. I know that sounds far-fetched, but it is true. I am going to give you a link to a site that will give you the information that will help you understand what I have just said. If you have any questions after you have read the information on the site, please feel free to contact me and I will do my best to answer them for you.

    THE LINK:
    https://www.gaychurch.org/homosexuality-and-the-bible/the-bible-christianity-and-homosexuality/
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #2 quebec, Jan 4, 2022
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2022
  3. caden0803

    caden0803
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    It's good to hear you're doing better now than you used to @Pham897. I think those feelings show just how much damage they can cause. The very idea that you will be condemned for that part of yourself I find both stupid and heartbreaking. Hope you're able to fully recover someday and remember that no matter what a hateful person tells you you are exactly how you should be.
     
    #3 caden0803, Jan 4, 2022
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2022
  4. TinyWerewolf

    TinyWerewolf
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    I've been where you are, maybe not quite as severely with anxieties at church but I can relate to some of the rest of your story. Instead of dealing with it head on like I should have I tried to bottle it up and grew angry with God. Then I came to realize the message I'd been ingrained with was not God's fault. The way I'd been treated and still am sometimes is not God's fault. It's on the people who spread the hatred and do us wrong. Getting over it is hard, and I'm proud of you and the progress you're making.
     
    #4 TinyWerewolf, Jan 4, 2022
  5. BiGemini87

    BiGemini87
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    @Pham897 I'm sorry you've been dealing with such pervasive, difficult thoughts. I often find that it isn't so much the religions themselves that condemn LGBT people, but religious people who misinterpret their religious texts (and to be frank, said religious texts were written hundreds to thousands of years ago, relate little to what we know today, and were written by imperfect people themselves).

    I think what might help is considering this: if the God or gods you believe in hated homosexuality, then why would they create so many people who are? Why put their own creations into such turmoil in the first place?

    As for death...well, it finds us all in the end. Trust that when your time comes, you have done nothing warranting such a bleak afterlife. I'm glad you're entering into a more positive mind frame; if you find yourself slipping back into pessimism, remember--there is nothing wrong with you or your attractions. Just because you're taking a different path, doesn't mean it's incorrect. We all have our own journeys to undertake. :slight_smile:
     
    #5 BiGemini87, Jan 5, 2022
    Rayland likes this.
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