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Totally confused about my sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by LancelotduLac, Oct 30, 2012.

  1. LancelotduLac

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    I'm an 18 year old girl who has never been in a relationship before. It's something I'm rather embarrassed about: being at university, I know so many people who are in relationships, or are going out every week and having sex with people they've met in clubs, whereas I've never even kissed anyone.
    I'm pretty shy and not particularly self-confident, so flirting etc is just totally beyond me.

    I've always wondered to some extent about my sexuality. I suppose that's pretty normal, but it's becoming rather frustrating. I'd always assumed, as you do, that I was straight, and over the last couple of years I've started to see myself as straight but curious, as I'm a pretty open-minded person.
    My mum, who I absolutely adore, came out as gay a few years ago, not long after she and my father divorced. We went through a rough patch for a couple of years - nothing to do with her sexuality - but now we're incredibly close. I love my mum's partner very much, too. My dad, on the other hand... well, I'll get back to that...

    I really started to question my sexuality a few months ago, because of something my mum said. I was talking to her about guys, dating, the usual stuff, and I happened to make a comment along the lines of "I'm attracted to guys, but I don't particularly like them". Her response to this was that that was exactly how she felt when she thought she was straight... :confused:

    Basically, I've always been far more comfortable around other girls than I have around guys. I suppose that growing up with 2 sisters has something to do with this. I've always had male friends, but they have always been gay or guys who I don't find physically attractive at all. I assumed that this meant I was straight, as if I wasn't, why would I feel nervous around attractive men? Now I'm not so sure.

    I am your typical "daddy issues" girl, if such a stereotype does indeed exist. My father was always emotionally distant and cold, a weak, manipulative man who emotionally blackmailed me and did all he could to make me believe lies about my mum. A year and a half ago, he became literally distant, severing contact with me and my 2 younger sisters because we dared to stand up to him. I'm sure that my issues with men stem from my father, as he has basically taught me not to trust the opposite sex.
    The reason that this is relevant is because I am usually attracted to older men, men in their 20s to 40s, rather than guys my own age, and I am starting to wonder if it is genuine attraction or me looking for a father figure, as my own dad was so awful. The men I tend to fancy are usually a little unconventional, and I usually admire them as much as I'm attracted to them, which again makes me question whether it is genuine attraction.
    I should probably also mention that I was really badly bullied in high school by a couple of really vile boys, which has obviously done little to improve my relations with (straight) guys.

    I tend to be quite suspicious of guys who remind me in any way of my dad, and often put up quite a tough front just in case they end up treating me like he or the bullies did.

    Can I imagine myself in a relationship with a man? Yes. But is that just because of how heteronormative our society is? Can I imagine myself in a relationship with a woman? Yes. I don't know who I'm attracted to, because I'm not even sure that I understand what "attraction" actually feels like. I'm so confused, it's driving me insane...

    How are you supposed to know who you're attracted to? Any advice would be much appreciated... :help:
     
  2. Well for me, when it comes to men and women

    1. I've gotten aroused by both
    2. I've had sexual fantasies about both
    3. I want or wouldn't mind a boyfriend/girlfriend
    4. Feels all fuzzy inside when that special guy/girl walks in the room
    5. Getting hit on by either doesn't bother me, in fact, I want it to happen, if I don't like them back, it's a huge confidence builder
    6. The thought of sex with either doesn't bother me. In fact, I want that to happen too
    7. I don't care who I end up with, as long I end up with someone

    That's how I know I'm bisexual.
     
  3. river

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    Hi! For most of my life, I've always noticed other girls more than guys (in real life or movies). When I was younger, I thought that I must have just been admiring their clothes or hair and never allowed myself to admit that I was attracted to them. That went on pretty much through most of middle school, but by the end of high school, I knew there was something more to it. I rarely flirted with or dated boys. I did think (and still do) think that men are physically attractive, but it's rare that I ever feel a strong emotional connection to a guy. I consider myself bisexual because I think men are physically attractive and would have sex with certain guys, even though I am unlikely to pursue a serious relationship with one. Even for years after I knew I would rather date a girl, I was too scared to do anything or tell anyone. I wish I had gone to LGBT events at my university more. I came out earlier this year, graduated college, and met my wonderful girlfriend. College is a great time to explore your feelings and I hope everything works out for you.
     
    #3 river, Oct 30, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2012
  4. It also important to note that not all Bisexuals are attracted to men and women equally. As River demonstrated above.

    Some like mostly men
    Some like mostly women.
    And some like half and half.

    And so on
     
  5. Caudex

    Caudex Guest

    You're most likely predominantly gay. I think you've been forced to "like" men as I have inversely been.
     
  6. piratealisonnn

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    Wow, almost everything you said really rings true to my situation as well.

    I think if you just pay attention to who your eyes/thoughts wander to when you're in a crowd or when you people watch (if you do :slight_smile:) then you might get a better idea. That's what I have been doing and it is helping a bunch.
     
  7. LancelotduLac

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    Thanks, that sounds like a good idea :slight_smile:
     
  8. Rose

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    Sexuality is complex, and not always solely determined by nature, as I understand, but sometimes by nature and nurture. It is possible that your father has indeed influenced your feelings towards men. The thing to remember is that your feelings can change, and of course, most men are perfectly trustworthy. I wouldn't be so quick to try to label your sexuality. Instead, explore your feelings of attraction for both genders and try to have some fun along the way.
     
  9. LancelotduLac

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    Thanks, that's the best answer so far :slight_smile: