So I've made a few of these threads but I just wanted to vent a bit again tbh. I just feel so tired of the game. Of things. Of trying. To meet people, to sleep, to work. To be positive. I speak to people, get to know them, open up about experiences that really bother me and am consistently told that's normal. That's what everyone goes through. It's nothing. Even though to me it's not nothing. I saw a photo of myself I'd taken on my laptop at the beginning of 2022, when I still knew nobody, before all the guys I've hurt myself emotionally over this year, and I just thought that's not me anymore. I don't even know myself anymore. I don't know what I'm doing, who I am, why I'm doing it. I put on a facade and try and try to be a good person but after a while I open up and get sarky with people. Get tired of people dismissing me and giving me surface level conversation when I feel totally alone. Yet the thing is I don't even want anything anymore. I don't want to get out of bed or even be. I just keep going because well I'm here now. This is after years of therapy. Years and years. And I'm not giving up on therapy when financially I can think about it again, far from it. But if anyone replies just telling me to go to therapy as if I haven't thought of that or any other solution the I'll rage quit this forum faster than I'd rage quit my dumb new job if I had the chance. I just need to vent. Because every single day despite effort and so much of it I'm dying a little more inside.
I truly understand this too. It's like, when people say, that the things that bother you or cause you grief aren't important, that they aren't struggles, but you are the one who knows the best what you're going through and no one in this world can read other peoples mind or feel what the other person is feeling, so to them it really might be something normal. We all are unique and no experience is the same, since we all see the world in our viewpoint. Life works in mysterious ways. You will figure out who you are and why. I didn't know who I was for many, many years or what I was good for. I thought, why I am in this world? What is my purpose? When you figure you out, then it all will become clearer to you. Take it step by step. Little changes around you or within yourself can be a big motivator to move forward and before you know it, your life will be drastically different. A year ago I didn't even imagine finding my true self. I don't see a facade anywhere. I just see depression here. Loads of warm hugs your way. And keep in mind, take baby steps Even just walking outside and stretching and moving yourself can be a good therapy. It's all self care.
I don't know how to solve it either, but I can tell that if something bothers you, it's not nothing, whatever it might be. You're allowed to have your struggles and to struggle with whatever is a struggle for you. I know it sounds cheesy, but it seems to me like you need to hear that. And it's true, people can be dismissive... I don't really know why, it doesn't cost much to be warm to someone. To have empathy, imagine how someone is feeling. Or maybe it's not that obvious for many people, I don't know...
Hey thank you both of you for your replies. Yeah Rayland I think you're right, it's easy for people to dismiss others and I don't think that's right. Sometimes I wonder why I bother talking to people at all to be honest and what's wrong with me. Nobody ever seems to truly open up to me, even if I've been chatting to them for months. A lot of people I chat to focus on the surface level crap, and whenever I open up and say how I'm really feeling generally things become weird. It's like people punish me for telling them how things really are for me. Most of the people I text cause me stress and end up getting bored of me and ignoring me one way or another. And I wouldn't say I'm particularly clingy or demanding as a friend or whatever, I just generally reply to most texts and I always seem to put more effort into conversations and people than they put back into me. Maybe that's a delusion but even if it is I feel like crap. And I think I'm in the process of figuring myself out. But so many people I meet seem to have everything figured out, at least on the surface. I know everyone has their struggles but I don't even have that facade of knowing who I am or what I'm doing most of the time. I'm just alone and miserable. I do everything I should. I reach out and talk to people which often leaves me feeling vulnerable and ignored. I exercise even a little bit every day which I guess is better for me than not doing that. I try to eat healthily if I can, fruit and vegetables and yoghurts etc. Drink herbal teas sometimes instead of coffees etc. Try to distract myself and relax and watch shows and be organised. I've talked to one therapist for four years now and in our last session she told me we repeat the same topics a lot and honestly I think I need to change therapists or give up for now because I do absolutely everything I should but life still feels grey and punishing and I don't know why. And thank you for caring Mihael. A lot of people seem to me to pretend to care because they're interested in me in the moment but when things get tough they disappear or change somehow. Fed up with it.
I think that you are punishing yourself, because of all the bad experiences with past relationships and relationships now, that it all makes you feel like you're not worthy of love, so instead of trying to work on yourself and on proper communication about your feelings with others, you don't bother at all anymore, because you think it bears no fruit and when others are more introverted, than you, then it makes you feel, like you're being ignored. Only you can control your own feelings. I feel like this is something you need to work on. You need to learn to love yourself and work on your self esteem, then even if you have nobody beside you, you can focus on yourself and not feel like you're being ignored.
I think so too, probably. When I check social media less, wait longer between texts, and distract myself with work and ideas for personal projects, I feel a bit better. And I generally feel mostly okay during the day too. It's mostly at night when I feel bad. When I check social media or when things fizzle out by text with people, I feel so rejected and devastated. And to be honest, I used to be an introvert. I think I'm still naturally an introvert. But because I spent years avoiding and feeling unworthy before my avoidant personality disorder diagnosis, it's almost like I'm trying to prove something to myself. Like I'm desperate to make friends, find a partner and be able to talk to people and carry conversations and relationships not because I want them but because I want to know I even can. I do want them, but not like this. Not how things are right now. It was just over a year ago this all began, when I first met the guy I joined this forum to help myself get over. And that year was one of the worst of my life. I still have scars from it. I need to let myself work on my own things, slow down when talking to people and just be okay in myself, which is really hard to do. I often feel like the world is ending and nobody will like or want me at all and honestly I think my years of severe anxiety and depression at school and my first relationship being so intense didn't help. Having issues with my sexuality when I was younger and even maybe a bit now has also played a part. There's so many things I'm fighting to get over or deal with better and some of them I barely think about or have the chance to talk about with people even though they affect me a lot. I'm in a lot of emotional pain and feel incapable of normal friendships and relationships, but learning to slow down and grow at a sustainable rate is something I'm really trying hard to do.
I'm so sorry you feel like this, Cinnamoon. Here, have a hug. ❤️ I wish I had some solid advice, but I unfortunately I don't. But I'm here, the rest of EC is here, and we want to help you.
I'm sorry. I know you are. Thank you for the hug and for talking to me on here. I know how much you struggle too so I'm sorry to be so selfish. And I know it sounds like I feel like I have nobody. I know I do, there's some amazing supportive people on here and I'm sorry for being ungrateful. But day to day, my life feels empty. People I crush on and talk to more local to me seem to get bored of me, offline I'm not confident at all in any way and feel boring and like I have nothing to offer and like things will never change. I'm really grateful for your support I just struggle so much that even when people are there for me everything still feels dark a lot of the time and I'm sorry for that.
You're hurting and need people which is not selfish. It's sad we get taught such things and then inflict them on ourselves when we're already feeling down and need loving kindness. Could you ask them why they got bored of you? Maybe it wasn't you or if they say it was and they'd be honest you could learn why that person didn't work and avoid people who want someone you're not. With depression it's hard to have interests and hobbies and have the confidence to go out and be vulnerable. Anxiety keeps us from seeking others too so it's super hard and I get it. What things would you like to change if possible? You need support like anyone does so you are very human
You aren't selfish, or ungrateful, what you are right now is struggling. I'm struggling too, but posting about your issues isn't selfish (and I need to get that through my own thick skull as of late). You're dealing with issues that are hard to deal with day in and day out- I can both empathize and sympathize. I just wish I had advice for you.
Sometimes you have to shut people out. As completely as possible, at least for a day or two, longer if you need it (and if have the luxury of doing so - jobs and family don't always allow it.) Then, when you've healed yourself, come back out into the world. Most importantly, shut out the voices that say "we're social animals, being alone is unnatural and unhealthy". Maybe that was true in a simpler age. But nowadays society can be too complex, too stressful, too hostile.
Thank you mnguy. I'm not sure I could directly ask that, I feel like it's too confrontational although I could be wrong. I guess I just want to be a better person. Get over some of my trauma and be able to stand up to my demons. Be able to have friends I actually see in person. Be able to help others more and feel valuable as a person. And to ultimately feel capable of finding a partner and building a life for myself. I know everyone wants these things, but honestly I just want a simple life. I remember watching Lost a few years ago and thinking I'd be happy in a situation like Bernard and Rose found themselves in if anyone gets that reference, just a cute couple living in a basic home in nature. I know that's not reality and I should aim higher than that, but I guess I'm trying to say I don't feel like I'm asking for too much out of life idk. And thank you Jack, I'm sorry to be such an emotional drain both on here and off here. But especially for leaning on you too much. I don't deserve the level of care and support you've given me on here. But yeah it's easy to be kinder to others than ourselves isn't it. Like I'd say the same to you, please don't worry about posting as much as you need to. You deserve help and support on here. But when I do it I'm just a whining idiot who doesn't deserve the time of day from anyone. Guess I need to get it through my own thick skull too. And yeah I totally agree Incoming. For me, chatting and people are almost like an addiction. I need to pace myself, be okay with not talking to friends for days or even weeks sometimes if any of us are busy. Be okay getting on with my own stuff without constantly seeking approval from others. I know I need to keep talking and making connections and reaching out, but I need my own space too.
How can you know what happened or if you did anything wrong w/o asking? Instead of finding out you'd rather blame and imagine the worst about yourself? What does it mean to be a better person and who determines if you are better enough? If it's you who makes that determination, then can you decide that you are an amazing person already? Why should you aim higher? I notice how often you belittle yourself bc I do the same. Our brains aren't getting enough good chemicals to see the positive side, everything is too hard, nothing works right, etc. A lot of all or nothing thinking and automatic negative thoughts. I've tried to notice the negative view that comes to mind and then turn it into a positive or neutral, but if it's a near constant battle to do that it would be exhausting. A simple life is all we need but you won't get that with the "A" gays who want it all. Seek out the ones who don't think they have a chance and you'll find a simple guy. Approval from others gives our brain a boost of the chemicals that are in short supply so of course you want more. If your brain had what it needs you'd feel good w/o the approval and attention of others. That's my hope with medication but I'm not there yet either so I should follow my own advice. You can do it, one day at a time.
I guess maybe I should just be direct and ask sometimes. Thank you. I think it's depression isn't it. It distorts the truth and makes people like me feel bad about themselves even when we don't need to. Some days I don't try to fight it and those are the worst. And you're right, comparing myself to guys who are already super confident won't help. I need people who understand what it's like to have bad days with clinical levels of depression. I think quality trumps quantity when it comes to relationships like that.
I haven't read all the replies you've had here @Cinnamoon but I agree with the other posters that you should consider being more direct with these people who you feel have abandonned you after trying to make friends with them. Personally, I'd rather someone was direct and told me I was ignoring them instead of having to guess if I was making them feel bad.
I know this is probably my problem more than anyone else's and maybe I just make too much effort and that's on me. Anyway I've tried confronting or being honest with people even in a less confrontational way multiple times before and they either make an excuse or become upset with me. I don't think it's fair of me anyway. I'm more upset at not feeling good enough as a person than I am about being ignored. It's just that being ignored triggers all those insecurities that are already there. I'm grateful for your reply, I am, but from personal experience unfortunately that never works for me. Maybe it does for some people, but not me.
I think that you should try and face and process your fears and your already are doing some of it by just creating this thread, what is very good. You have this something that is unfinished, so you're not moving on and staying stuck in this same vicious cycle. This stood out to me: Probably because this is something I struggle with as well. I think I'm a bad person and don't deserve any happiness. Lately I've been processing it. I wonder, if there were something in your very first relationship or in other relationships, that made you feel like you aren't good as a person or even in the life you have now. Emotions are something we can control. Try thinking of them as messengers, who want to help you heal and confronting those messengers help you analyze yourself better. The fact that you have depression and anxiety and had bad experiences with relationships don't make you into a no good person. Relationships come and go, but you will still have you. Without you, you can't work or even enjoy any relationship, so you need to take care of you (a lot of you's in this sentence ). There is also no I in relationships. It takes both parties to make things work, so it's not all on just you that things don't work out.
Yeah you're right something is definitely unfinished. My first relationship was okay, but I was dependent on it. It was something I got sucked into more than anything else. Despite genuinely loving my ex very much, it wasn't a healthy situation in lots of ways. He recognised that and ended the relationship and I struggled after for a long time. I still do. I started to take that feeling of having somebody treat you as someone special and love you for granted, and ever since I've been trying to figure out how to get that feeling back. Now it's gone, it feels like something is missing and that feeling hasn't gone away over time. I know two people need to work on relationships not just one, it just feels like I ruin everything I touch. I did some hookups I regret last year for example, but now I've gone off casual sex to the point I'm wondering if that's hindering me finding a partner too. Like I shut down emotionally whenever someone flirts with me and instead of just enjoying the moment I either withdraw or develop feelings before anything has even happened. And ruin potential relationships before they even start. I just can't get anything right it seems because I'm apparently too damaged.
