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Tired of living in denial.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by out2019, Jul 6, 2019.

  1. smee

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    Yup. I took the hint when my last girlfriend complained and I realized that I was phoning in the relationship.
     
  2. out2019

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    it sounds really weird.... but I never even considered this.. I have been on shame autopilot for years....

    When I remove all that, i ask myself.. what if there were no judgments, no fear.. I get this feeling of happiness...

    Thanks I googled this and there was also an article about gay dating tips and my heart jumped at the thought...

    I want this. I am scared as hell but I want this. I want the guilt and the shame gone.. when I chose my user name it's not because of suicide or anything but because the only time I really feel alive is when I accept I am gay... but so much sub conscious programming and deep guilt and shame
     
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  3. Contented

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    The desire to be with a man becomes overwhelming to point it starts to consume your thoughts. The only cure is to be with an man and experience gay sexuality in its fullest. I think you find all your doubts, fears, guilt and shame start to slowly fade away as you come to realize your gay and it’s all good. For me what started out as just sex , or so I thought turned into a deep emotional and spiritual connection that went beyond just sex. I soon realized that I wanted to be with a man on all levels and that was key to my liberation. After that awakening I gladly left the hetero world behind. You will find being gay becomes as natural to you as breathing and as comfortable as a favorite of sneakers.
    Embrace being gay and start to live a fulfilling life as you dream and fantasize of. It is so worth it.
     
    #23 Contented, Jul 7, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2019
    FooFight54 and wanttolive like this.
  4. JToivonen

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    Welcome to EC, @wanttolive . I've been for about a month, so I'm new here as well, but I found this community to be incredibly helpful and welcoming. So I hope you also can find some relief for your pain.

    I understand well what you mentioned here. Some of the members here have read my postings and helped me a lot, but I'm right in the middle of my self-acceptance process, so I know well how denial feels like and how our brains like to play games with us. You feel this way, but you want to know why.

    You may be facing deep questioning, just like a neverending loop of questions that you're never sure what the answers are - that's what's happening to me, at least. But, in any case, you're not alone, that's for sure.

    So feel welcome to vent anytime you need.

    I've been there as well...I looked at myself thinking "no way I'm gay, I just can't be gay!" The idea of me being in love with a guy was just impossible, until the moment it happened. But I must say that idea of growing old with a man by my side is still somehow weird for me - this is something I still have to work on (maybe internalized homophobia that hasn't left yet).

    Wow, I can totally relate to this! Since I myself am in the middle of an identity crisis, I totally feel that way. There are lots of "what ifs" in my head right now: "what if I'm not gay, I'm just curious?", "What if I'm just horny/kinky/a sinner?", "What if it's just a phase?", "What if I'm just confused?", "What if it's only Satan trying to lure me?", "What if I'm just bored and looking for some adventure?"...and the list goes on. So, if it's possible to you, I'd suggest for you to see a therapist, specially one who is LGBT friendly. I've been seeing some professionals and they've been helping me A LOT!

    May I ask if you have ever been with a guy? It probably would be a good way for you to be sure about yourself. But make sure you can find someone nice and who treats you well and understands what you've been through.

    Exactly what happened to me too...

    So don't fight! Embrace your true self!

    From what I see, I assume you are young... So don't do what I did...I fought all those feelings that I had (very similar to yours), hid them under a rock, pretended they didn't exist and got married. Tried so hard to pray the gay away. But the gay me never left - quite the opposite, it fought hard to get up to the surface. So now I face depression, suicide thought, deep sadness and anger, self-harming episodes, deep guilt because I know I'll soon have to make a difficult choice - to hurt my wife forever in order to be who I am or try to suppress my gay side so not to destroy her, hoping that I may be aroused by her only someday. So do yourself a favour - do go down this same road.

    Yes, that's how I feel too! And it's so hurtful, so aggressive to myself... I keep asking myself "why am I doing this to myself? Why am I causing this damage to me?" But again, in my case, there's someone's feelings involved, so I can't be selfish. Your case is different. So go on and break free! Don't do to yourself what I did to myself.
     
  5. JToivonen

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    So, so true. Seems like I'm reading my own life written here.

    Sadly I just don't seem to be able to abandon my straight life so fast... I'm afraid I'll never be...it scares the hell out of me.