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Tired of living in denial.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by out2019, Jul 6, 2019.

  1. out2019

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    Hi everyone
    I have been lurking here awhile and reading everyone's stories I have been in denial for a long time, I guess I can think of a lot reasons that I am not gay, but right now I just feel really tired living in denial, but it seems like there are two 'me's one that thinks he's gay the other that thinks he isnt'.
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. Glad you decided to join in.
     
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  3. SevnButton

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    Hi @wanttolive -
    That sounds familiar. Sometimes I feel so gay, and other times ... meh! Truth is, I think I'm somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. Wouldn't it be great if we could just express what we feel in the moment!

    I'm curious -- do the gay you and the straight you exist at the same time? Or is it more like one for a while, and then the other?
     
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  4. out2019

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    One for awhile, then another...but the 'straight' me ever is not sexual.
     
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  5. out2019

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    thanks, I am starting to realize how much shame I have about my gay feelings....
     
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  6. Cashew

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    We've all been there. Shame is all part of the journey. You do get to the other side though and it does get a lot better.
     
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  7. out2019

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    Thanks...I am starting to think that the 'i'm not gay' is just denial. But part of me wants to believe the reasons....
     
  8. Cashew

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    Whatever you are going through right now, know that you are not alone in it. There are billions of people who have felt exactly the same as you or who currently still feel the same as you. It's all part of this world that we live in and the way that we are socialised to believe that there is something wrong with us to feel attracted to someone of the same sex. So it's completely normal what you are going through right now and hopefully if you can accept it and are eventually able to be open about it and live as your true self, you will get to the other side and realise that a lot of the shame that you carry is not anything to do with you but because of what you were brought up to believe which is completely idiotic. Because love is love and it doesn't matter who you are attracted to , whether you are attracted to people of the same sex or both sexes. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you are able to live in a way that is true to your own nature and that you don't have to live in shame or hide yourself.
     
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  9. out2019

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    I guess the 'denial' me, thinks that i don't want to be 'driven' by a compulsion, lust or what I think is a fantasy- and the 'denial' me or the 'straight' me says - hey I can notice beautiful women, especially their butts.....

    The 'gay' me can easily fantasize about being with a guy and get an erection, the gay me wants to give a blow job, and I feel very happy when I just say to myself 'I am gay'... but then the 'straight me' comes back :slight_smile:
     
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  10. out2019

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    Okay. I have had a glass of wine... or two :slight_smile: ... I am gay. I have a TON of SHAME and a TON of DENIAL... but if I wrote out my sexual and romantic fantasies, I am pretty sure just about anyone would say I am gay...why can't I accept it myself?
    I act like I am gay in the sense that I live in constant denial suppressing feelings.
     
  11. out2019

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    Sorry for the multiple posts everyone but it just hit me tonight... I don't want to deny this anymore... I am g
    I have a ton of shame and guilt but I just want to get past it... I want to come out! I want a boyfriend! I have worn myself down fighting it, i just want to surrender to it...it's scary but I want it so bad...
     
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  12. SevnButton

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    Yup, that's me. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm really bisexual, or if I'm clinging to the idea in order to stay with my family. A few weeks ago I was going through a phase of not feeling sexual (straight) and out of the blue my wife said maybe it would be OK for me to go to some LGBTQ events, and I felt this amazing surge of sexual energy (gay) running through my body. Do you know that feeling?
     
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  13. SevnButton

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    For the most part, the validation just doesn't exist in mass media - TV, movies, and advertising mostly promote conventional heterosexual relationships. We need to see more happy LGBTQ folks!

    @wanttolive , there should be no shame in not following the crowd!
     
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  14. out2019

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    Yes! ever since it came I can't get aroused by women at all. i used to be able to masturbate to women but it took a lot of work, gay is almost instant. arousal
     
  15. johndeere3020

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    Check out a book called Pride, you can't heal if your hiding by Ronald Holt. It will help with a different perspective. Once you find self acceptance the other negatives start fading away!
     
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  16. SevnButton

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    @wanttolive, is shame the only thing holding you back? Do you have anything or anyone you'd possibly be walking away from if you were to accept being gay?
     
  17. Contented

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    This is exactly what happened to me. Lost the interest and then the ability to be aroused by women. With my BF was instantly hard with my them GF not at all. Frankly the idea of intimacy with her after a while grossed me out. It sounds like your gay and simply fighting internalized homophobia and compulsory heterosexuality we face from society.
     
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  18. out2019

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    no. the only person holding me back is me... this morning I woke up and I realized how badly I want to be with a man. I just can't fight it anymore.. I am gay....
     
  19. out2019

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    It's just dawned on me that like 90% of the time I have to force myself with women, or think about a guy. I have been trying to force myself to fantasize about women or get aroused, but thinking about a guy it's just natural.
     
  20. Chip

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    So you have your answer... it's just an uncomfortable answer to accept with all the negative programming, images, messages you've been exposed to over the years. Give yourself time to accept that. There's no race to the finish line.

    When you describe the 'straight you" as having no sexual interests... what you're talking about there is friendship (perhaps deep, emotionally intimate friendship, but friendship nonetheless), not sexual attraction. And in spite of folks who discuss "romantic attraction"... there's no credible evidence that this exists, as it is really just a re-labeling of emotionally intimate friendship that people use as a crutch to accepting their own homosexuality.

    You might want to get a copy of Joe Kort's marvelous book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love", which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, but everything to do with accepting and loving yourself. (Not to be confused with a book of a similar title by the same author.) It may only be available used, but I know Amazon had some copies last I looked. It will seriously be a real help to understanding yourself and coming to terms with feelings surrounding this.
     
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