Thoughts on Mixed Orientation Relationships

golfer.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary!

*****I hesitated about this part of the post. I am in a mixed orientation marriage and have been for 44 years. However, (you knew there had to be a however) it has been because I turned my back on my true sexuality after the death of my boyfriend/fwb/lover/soulmate when I was in my early twenties. I then went through many years of denial, self-hate and depression that I would not wish on anybody. I finally accepted that I am and always have been gay at the age of 64 in 2014. I understand the wish for biological children...I felt the same way. I have three sons and grand children. In the end it has worked out for me, but the price was very high...almost my life. This is a decision that may involve more than just you. If it does, the other person should be able to go in the relationship with full knowledge and agreement. Please consider this very carefully.

*****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum:

*****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

*****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can post a question on my Profile Page or send me a Private Message.

.....David

 

golfer11.....It's hard to answer your question without telling you my story. It's not exactly straight forward as you may have assumed. I'm sorry it's a bit long, but if you read it, everything will make much more sense.

I knew when I was young that I was different than the other boys. I liked watching boys play basketball a lot more than I liked basketball! That was especially true in the Summer at the elementary school playground during "pickup" games where one team was "shirts" and the other team had to be "skins"! However, I didn't really know what the difference was until I got to college and met new friends.

It was 1968 when I started college, but very soon I was out. While there I was "with" a lot of different guys, but for a while no one was special in any way. Then I met Tim and over a period of two years we became friends, friends with benefits, best friends, boyfriends. lovers and then just plain inseparable. Had it been today and not 1970, we would have been married. Towards the end of that two years, Tim got sick. It kept getting worse so I finally drove him two hours home to his parent's house. I was still going to school, so I would go to him on Friday afternoon and stay there until Sunday afternoon. Neither he or I were out to his parents. This went on for a couple of months with him not improving. Then one Friday, when I got to his house, his parents met me at the door and wouldn't let me in. I can still remember their exact words: "Get your fagot ass off of our property". I guess they had found out that Tim and I were more than just friends. It was a long trip back to college. I never saw Tim again. A little less than a month later a postcard informed me that Tim had passed away. His parents said that He had made them promise to tell me. I was not allowed to go to the funeral and didn't even know where he was buried. I was devastated and turned my back on just about everything in my life at that time. After Tim and what happened I could never be with a boy again...or even think of it. The pain was so great that I shut that part of my life away. Over a few years I actually repressed the memory until I didn't remember being out and I didn't remember Tim. I eventually met a girl that I thought I could live with and married her. For some reason sex with her was always difficult and awkward. I did want children so I managed. I know now that I have never sexually loved her...I do emotionally love her and we have built a beautiful life, a family and are happy - our 44th Anniversary was July 1st. At least everyone thought we were happy...including her. Even before I met her I had started to be depressed. Over the years it grew and grew. I couldn't keep my eyes off guys. I told myself that I liked the way they dressed, the way they cut their hair, etc., but it just got worse. About fifteen years ago our society had gotten to the point where LGBTQ issues were in the news a lot and I could no longer completely ignore what I felt. My self-hate, shame and guilt were getting so bad that it was becoming harder and harder to hide it. I had some serious health issues that started at that time so I blamed everything on that and got away with it. At least I thought I did. By 2013 I was in a terrible mess. My health had made me retire from a job that I had held for 41 years, a job that I loved. I could no longer ignore the fact that I was gay. I felt completely trapped. I couldn't come out and destroy my family, I couldn't keep going the way I was...the pressure was too great. So, like a lot of LGBTQ people, I decided to take my life. On Christmas Day 2014 something happened that pushed me into a total crisis. That evening I sat at my desk looking at Empty Closets (I had stumbled on it a few days previously) and looking at a bottle of 90 Percocet pain pills. I decided to give EC one chance and made my first post begging for help. I gave it ten minutes as I didn't think I could wait any longer before taking the pills. Within just a minute or so I was greeted and welcomed and encouraged by the wonderful people here on EC. Because of empty closets I am here today. But the story doesn't end there. After a year on EC I finally met a therapist who helped me so much as I learned to accept myself and to love myself. About a year after that I started to have unusually vivid, sexual dreams about guys. My therapist and I pretty much ignored it until one night when I realized that they were not dreams, they were memories. Over a period of six months, everything that I had done sexually over the time from 17-22 years old gradually came back. I was not upset that I had done all of that as I now know it is normal, natural for me...but I was upset that I had managed to forget it all. Then I remembered Tim. At first it was exciting and it made me happy to know that we had been so close. Then I remembered what happened to him. Again I was devastated...but this time I was older and more mature and I had empty closets and my therapist, so I got through it. Now I can talk about Tim and I am so happy to be able to remember him...I'll never forget him again.

So why have I told you my life story?? Because I spent 42 years in hell denying who I was. Not accepting that I was gay. Hating myself and finally wishing I was dead and coming within a few minutes of committing suicide. That is what refusing to accept who you are can do to you. I understand that some people don't want to be gay...I've got that. Whether it's because you have grown up in a society that is so heteronormative that you are "programed" that way or whether you don't like what you see of the life style that some gay people live....or for what ever reason. All I ask of you is to love yourself and to accept who you are you however it turns out. Give yourself time to understand yourself, don't feel rushed to make any decision until it really does feel right and comfortable and good and who you really are. Then hold on to it and love yourself. Don't let yourself be tortured the way I was for so very many years.
.....David :gay_pride_flag

Update: A member here on Empty Closets asked if I had a picture of Tim. I said no and they wondered if there might be a picture in a college yearbook from that time. I did some digging and found that the college (now university) had indeed put their yearbooks online and after some searching I found a picture of Tim!!!! I now have a memory and a picture of him!
.....David

 

golfer.....I understand that this is very difficult for you. These kinds of things...when we start to realize that our sexuality is perhaps not what we've always thought it was...are always tough. Some of us know that we are not straight very early and others, for some strange reason just don't understand those feelings and what they mean until later. For now, take your time and work on yourself. Learn more about yourself and how you feel. There is no hurry. Please keep us updated. Remember...you are a part of our LGBT Family and we do care!
.....David