Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by RD Spencer, Nov 19, 2021.
Once said there is no take backs.
That scares me too! I understand how you're feeling
I am in complete agreement with you, that is one of the reasons why I'm doing it more or less 1 person at a time.
Yeah, it is terrifying. I freeze up, whenever I try, even just sending an email is scary.
That is exactly how I'm feeling!
All too true. But it can also be incredibly liberating, too. I think it comes down to the individual situation; the people you tell, the timing--these things make a huge impact on how your coming out is received.
Most important of all, though, is that you don't have to come out until you're ready--or at all. It's not something you're obligated to do, but something you do when it starts feeling too big to keep to yourself.
If you're thinking about coming out to more people and would like some input, my PMs are always open.
Hello All.....You're right that when you come out to someone it's pretty hard to turn around a few days later and say; "Oh I was just kidding!" So it's best that you are sure that you want to come out to someone when you do it. I will admit, however, that there are times when coming out happens so smoothly that it seems as if there was no decision needed. It has happened that way to me twice. I was a high school teacher for 41 years. Both times this happened was with former students that I was very close to. 1) He was the manager of a clothing store in a mall 150 miles away from his/my hometown. We didn't get to see each other often, so we went to the back of his store and started "catching up". As we talked about what we had been doing in the ten years since he had graduated I gradually realized that we had unintentionally come out to each other by sharing a number of things that we had been doing during those years! I was totally shocked that we had done that so easily without even realizing that we had done so. I stopped him in mid sentence and said Bob (not his name) do you realize what we both just did? He got a funny look on his face and said "**** I didn't mean to do that" I said; "Me either!" We both laughed it off as it was, under the circumstances, really quite funny! 2) I ran unto a former student at Wal-Mart who I hadn't seen for at least 15 years. When he was in high school he was out as gay and was the type of kid that everybody respected and liked. Many times I had wanted to talk to him about being gay, but I wasn't ready to accept my sexuality yet and just couldn't bring myself to say the words. Then there he was and I had come out here on EC about a year prior to this meeting. We greeted each other with a hug and my mouth took on a life of it's on. It said; "I've wanted to talk to you for a long time." He of course said; "about what?" I was clueless at that point and didn't know what on Earth to do. But my mouth again took over and said; "What do you think of the LGBTQ Community?" It was the dumbest thing I could have said...I mean I knew he was gay. I felt really stupid! He replied; "I'm part of it". Now what was I going to do? My mouth again took over with the brilliant reply of; "Me too!" At which point we both broke down into tears right there in Wal-Mart! We made our way over to the little McDonald's and set down to cry and hug and talk for a while. It became the strangest and the best coming out experience that I've ever had! Other than those two instances I have only come out to someone when I have planned to do it. I have planned what to say and how to say it. I've carefully chosen the time and the place and made very sure that the person is someone who I feel should know that I am gay. They are friends who are very close to me and two of them are two of my three sons. My third son will probably be told at some time in the future, but so far there is no pressing reason to tell him. So my advice is to take your time and be sure that the person that you are coming out to will handle the information in a way that will strengthen the bond between the two of you. There are some people out there who just can't deal with this kind of facts and will end up causing you a lot of grief.
Thanks for your responses. Its good to hear how you feel about it and are working through it. I suppose its best to just own up to it.
It is frightening, because you feel like you are taking a walk into the unknown with every person you tell, but there is something quite liberating about telling your truth. It's a weight lifted.
Some people take the drip feed approach, telling one person at a time and coming out slowly and gradually over a period of months and years, while others decide to go for it and tell everyone in a matter of hours by email, social media post or letter. I actually used the drip feed approach in the beginning to gain a little confidence, before telling the most gossipy people I knew. Once my truth was in their hands I knew the entire family and workplace would know. I wasn't wrong!
I anticipated a bad reaction from some people, but I calculated that it was better to have it out in the open, regardless. There comes a point where tip-toeing around people is more exhausting than speaking the truth.
For awhile I pretended I wasn’t gay while actually being involved in a gay relationship. I was constantly watching what I said , want I did, and where I went for fear of being discovered. It got to do stressful and limiting that even though I was petrified about coming out I knew the time had come. I felt I had boxed myself in with a lie and felt horrible both for myself and my boyfriend. He was 100% gay and out so I was being totally unfair to him. He had nothing to hide. I finally sucked it up and came out. It wasn’t easy but is so worth it. I remember the true sense of liberation and freedom I felt. I no longer had to worry about being outed, I outed myself and it felt wonderful. Allow yourself the freedom of coming out and embracing the real you. It is to refreshing and worth it.