Hi! Im 21, a female, and terribly confused. It doesn't help that I really dont have anyone to talk about this with. I think I might be not-straight and was wondering if anyone had any feedback or advice. Below is my shpiel. I started thinking I was different maybe middle school. Everyone was having these crushes and stuff and I didnt really get it, still can't identify a single guy I've had a crush on (except Ryan Reynolds but that might just because he is with Blake lively and her in the sisterhood of the traveling pants... dang). Ive had sex with a few guys, never in relationships. I literally didn't want to enter my 20s a virgin so I found someone nice to loose it the day before I turned 20. And like the sex was fine, not great. I feel like im using things to justify that im a lesbian, like that I really only like lesbian porn and cant think of a guy I've liked before, bit im not sure and dont know how to be sure before i have experiences with females but im wayyyy too anxious to act on anything at this point due to a plethora Does anyone relate to this at all or have any advice?? I'm kinda a mess about it (doesn't help that my parents aren't the most accepting). Thanks,
I never had crushes on guys. I faked a few on the popular ones. I totally understand that part. Not having crushes on guys and not finding sex with them great doesn’t necessarily make you a lesbian. Have you tried reading lesbian fiction or seen lesbian relationships in t.v shows? Do those kind of relationships seem like she you would prefer them to traditional relationships with men? A lot of people figure out there sexual orientation without having to act on there desires. If you try reading lesbian fiction and the lesbian sex scenes do more for you than straight ones do then that might help. Also can you think of crushes you’ve had on other females. More than one person thought a crush was admiration at first. It took me years to realize I knew what a crush felt like but I didn’t know I knew. But I don’t think a straight person will be worried about whether or they were gay. You mentioned a lot about how you aren’t interested in men but you didn’t really mention if you are interested in women.
Hey take a deep breath, its going to be ok. We can definitely help you sort all this out. From your post I'm reading a lot about your lack of interest in guys, obviously not repulsed by them but a bit indifferent but what about girls? Lesbian porn aside, have you ever had any crushes? If you imagine yourself with a girl how does that make you feel? I know it is difficult to ignore the fact your parents aren't that accepting but for the moment if you can just out it to one side to be dealt with later it will help you .
Hi @taggie and welcome to EC. Be kind to yourself. Questioning your sexuality can be really confusing. You mentioned lesbian porn, but porn isn’t a reliable indicator of sexuality because it’s designed to turn people on. You don’t have to tell us, but what you fantasise about when you’re on your own, where your mind naturally goes to, is generally a much more reliable indicator of sexuality. Also, think about who generally catches your eye when you’re out and about, who do you picture yourself being in a relationship with, etc. There’s no rush to work this out or do anything in particular, just take your time and think it through. Also, why do you think you feel the need to find things to justify that you’re a lesbian? If you feel that it’s the label that best fits you, then that’s all you need. You don’t need to justify anything to anyone.
Thanks for the responses! It means a lot. Ive read some lesbian fiction and I think I relate to the lesbian relationship more so then a hetero, but I don't really know anyone that's gay or any gay couples so I'm not positive it would correlate to the real world to the same extent. While its a challenge for me to think about myself in the future in general, the thought comes a bit easier with females (outside of the societal implications). I have been attracted to some girls but I dont know if they would be considered a crush, its hard to tell what that feels like cause Ive never been like "Ohh I def have a crush on this person". I feel like in those situations i am trying really hard to impress them though. Yeah I guess porn doesnt mean that much in the real world. Even a decent number of straight girls watch lesbian porn. I fantasize being with girls but Im not sure if its just because Im so curious as to what that would be like or if that's what I'm attracted to. Imagining it occurring in real life is exciting but I think id be ever more anxious than with a guy, possibly because I really didnt care when I was with guys and would care more with a girl. IDK. I remember reading something to the extent of "if you consider going down on a girl without much hesitation, then you're probably a lesbian or bi". So a straight girl would most likely not be open to it. Do you think theres any truth to that statement? It just bothers me that I dont know because I generally think in very concrete terms so I dont like gray area (I know... life is all shades of gray) and have a lot of anxiety about the unknown. And I think that if I knew one way or another I would be so much more confident and able to experiment with less ahhhh. Im always gonna be a self-conscious nugget but maybe a bit less anxious.
@LostInDaydreams @silverhalo @Loves books Not sure how this whole things works. I didnt tag yall in my reply but wanted to say thanks!
There’s probably an element of truth to it, but there’s no one rule as such that will tell you what your sexuality is. I’ve been down on a guy, but that doesn’t mean I have to identify as bisexual or straight. How you feel in the here and now is what’s important. It’s frustrating, I know. I can relate to what you’ve written here, but you will work it out with time. It seems that you’re second guessing yourself a lot, such as with your fantasies, so maybe try to start reducing that a little and move towards going with what feels right.
I agree with @LostInDaydreams that there is probably some truth in the statement about going down on girls but I don't think it is something I would use as an indicator or guide to these things. The human mind is amazing but in scary or difficult situations like figuring out your sexuality it can sometimes hinder us by trying to protect us even if it is on a subconscious level. Sometimes us not wanting it to be true can be enough for us to think that maybe we wouldnt like it or like you say you would be nervous and you could interpret that as not being keen but in reality it would only be natural to feel like that. For me when I first questioned my sexuality it came as quite a shock, I always knew people sometimes struggled to come to terms with their sexuality or to come out but I guess what I'd never realised is that some people (myself included) have some difficulty working it out. Before that I had always assumed people just knew, although I don't know why. I think often people think that when they think about the gender they are attracted to they see fireworks, or imagine kissing them etc etc but it isn't always as obvious as that. It can be as simple as just wanting to be with/near that person. I would say fantasising about girls is more telling, I don't think this is something straight girls do. Have you seen the movie 'But I'm a cheerleader'? It is really frustrating but you will get there. Have you tried allowing yourself to say out loud that you are lesbian or gay or might be?
Yeah. It'd be really nice to be someone that just always knew. Yes! That movie is absolutely amazing, so stereotypical but still iconic. I've admitted and said i might not be straight or be into girls to myself and like maybe 2 or 3 people, though only 1 was a close friend who I dont really see that much since college but we still text. I guess I just need to figure out my fantasies more. Like I have sex dreams with girls and when thinking about sex, its girls a lot but like I can think about guys, im just maybe less into it. Feels more right with girls so maybe when it occurs in reality, itll be confirmed and ill feel that closure.
Yeah take your time. Sexuality is a scale so it doesn't have to be 100% boys, 100% girls or 50% 50%. You can call yourself gay even if the thought of being with a guy is not horrendous to you. It is finding a label that you are happy with. Also when I was figuring things out I was really worried that I would come out as gay and then find out it wasn't true or fall in love with a guy but ultimately if that happened (not that it did) it wouldnt have been the end of the world. Sure people would have asked a few questions but then everyone would have moved on and it would have been forgotten.
