So I( 25 ,F) used to think that I'm heteroromantic asexual (demisexual) but now I'm not so sure. I saw this extremely pretty girl,like she's gorgeous and I'm sure I felt my heart stop.And I kind of kept going back to look at the photos she had posted because she is really really pretty. I could see myself kissing her and having sex with her when I first saw her but then it kind of faded and I feel kind of disgusted when I think about doing anything and sometimes I don't feel anything when I look at her or maybe I do and I'm just not understanding it? I've watched a lot of lesbian porn and have been aroused by it(straight porn does nothing for me),and have often wondered what it would be like to actually go all the way with a woman. But at the same time ,I am wondering if how I felt about her was simply a reaction to the thought of same sex activity or if I was genuinely attracted to her briefly. And this isn't the first time it's happened. Except that time I didn't feel all tingly but I still thought she,a girl I had seen when I was still in college, was pretty cute and wanted to keep looking at her. TLDR, saw this beautiful girl,felt all tingly, then it faded for some reason and now I don't know what I felt in that moment. Any advice? Does this make me bi? I know I've asked this question before but I was so sure that I'm heteroromantic demi-heterosexual because I have experienced attraction to a guy when I was deeply in love with him. And this incident completely threw me off. I should also mention that I ended up kind of flirting with her,she mentioned that if people kept complimenting her, we (as in everyone who complimented her)would end up with one of us on top and the other on the bottom,and I said I didn't mind. And I've never said that to someone before. I don't know what came over me in that moment but I know that I wouldn't have minded if that had actually happened.
Hello, @Aera25. From everything you've stated here, I think there's a fair chance you are bisexual. Porn isn't the best indicator on its own, but coupled with the fact that you experienced attraction to a girl (more than one) outside of porn suggests bisexuality, given your attraction to guys as well. When the feeling faded and you felt disgusted and ashamed, that sounds very much like internalized homophobia/biphobia--and there's no shame in that! Most of us experience that when we're first coming to realize we aren't straight, because we've often been conditioned by the media, loved ones, peers, etc. that anything other than straight is wrong, sinful, immoral or gross in some way. It might take you some time to work through these feelings; I'll be honest, even almost 3 years after coming out, I still feel ashamed sometimes. But the good news is, it can and will get better, and you'll find yourself experiencing that shame and guilt less and less. Be patient with yourself, and when you find those negative thoughts encroaching, ask yourself why: why do you feel this way? Why is it wrong to have these kinds of feelings? Are they hurting anyone? If your attractions and feelings are mutual, if it leads to something beautiful, then how can it be wrong? I hope this helps.
I struggled for a long time before I accepted my sexuality. Years of denial, suppressing my same sex desires and telling myself off when I would give in to them via pornography. This became more frequent as time went on but for me the most telling sign happened unexpectedly and I wasn't really prepared for it. The overwhelming urge to kiss a friend who I've known for a long time, so strong that I had to leave. I then fantasized what it would be like to be with him. I still do. This really started the ball rolling but it took three more years, like BiGemini87, before I could utter those words, "I am bisexual". What I did during those three years was to write. I looked back at all the signs throughout my life, no matter how small. This included past relationships, feelings, pornographic habits, past attractions (which most I'd have never admitted to at the time because they were male), past and emotional connections (turned out they were pretty much all male too). Once I had completed this internal reflection there were too many signs to ignore so I did various sexuality tests, answering the questions truthfully as I would know straight away when I was lying, all of which put me in the homosexual range of bisexual. In other words, bisexual with a preference for men. This all lead to me looking in the mirror one day and saying "I am bisexual" out allowed. For me, the relief was instantaneous because I was no longer lying to myself. I realised I wasn't straight many years ago but I never accepted it until this point. Realisation and acceptance aren't the same. From then on I have kept a diary of all my thoughts, feelings, anything to do with my sexuality journey, no matter how insignificant. This helped me with the guilt and shame aspect of being bisexual and now I am at the point that I am truly happy and due to my preference, I identify as gay. I realised that I had nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty for, I didn't chose to be attracted to men, it's just who I am. I like to say I fought nature and nature won. Being bisexual doesn't mean you have to tell anyone, nor do you have to seek out encounters. It's entirely up to the individual. It's your story and your story might just be beginning. Good luck.
