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Still really quite confuzzled about sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Koalaman, Nov 24, 2012.

  1. Koalaman

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    It's been a few months since I was last here. During that time I've come no closer to understanding myself.

    Gay or bi? I just don't know.
    I know I like guys, that isn't the question.
    But do I like girls? That is indeed the question.
    Sometimes I think I do, sometimes I don't.
    I'm not sure I could have a relationship with one though.
    It just feels "weird" to me.
    But when I think about the future it's a guy I'm usually with.
    I want to grow old with a guy not a girl.
    But then again sometimes I have the thought that I am attracted to women.
    But with them it seems to be nothing more than that.
    While with guys I want so much more.
    Saying I'm gay feels like the right thing to say.
    Saying I'm bi just feels like I'm lying.
    But then am I truly gay.
    If I'm sometimes attracted to girls?
    I know I should wait and see what happens.
    But it's got the point where it's just :***: with my head.
    Well what is it like when you're with a girl or guy? You ask.
    I have no idea as I've been with no-one.
    So I ask you know for :help:
    As I've been confuzzled about this for years and more years.
     
  2. It seems like you know where you are in life, and you know what you want. So it's just a matter of enjoying life right now and waiting for the right guy to enter your life. As you've put it, all there is left to do is wait and see what happens. If you're comfortable with putting yourself out there, you can accelerate this process by coming out to more people, talking to more guys. Good luck and have fun :grin:.

    And in trying to answer your question, I would say being with someone makes you feel more complete, but I think it's more important to be feel complete without having someone. Instead, you should be happy with what you already have, and when you meet someone special, it's someone who complements your life--someone you can share your life with (and not someone who you'd fall apart without).
     
    #2 phospholipase, Nov 24, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 24, 2012
  3. Rice and Pepper

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    Join the club....
    I've never had a relationship as well and I have been having the same thoughts with you. But I have come to the following conclusions:

    1) Gay or Bi, just do what seems better at the moment and don't think too much about it. Strictly labeling yourself is just bad for you and your mood. I think you are trying too hard to plan ahead your life without sufficient information about yourself (so do I). Personally, I figured out it is more reassuring to label myself as "enjoying checking out hot guys", without any further analysis of the matter. That's something I 100% surely know about myself. I've never had an experience with one, I'd gladly experiment and find out if I like it. Maybe I also like girls, maybe not, but who cares... For now, I enjoy checking out guys.

    2)There is physical and psychological love. When I see a hot guy, I instantly think: "Wow, what hot guy! I wish I could kiss him, grab him etc!". I may also get a short erection. That's spontaneous and clearly physical. However, there is a girl I really like. We are very good friends and she can always cheer me up. I think quite often that I would really like to hold her tight, feel her warmth and kiss her. But these thoughts first appeared after a lot of time with her and getting to know her well. However, she would never turn me on like the hot guys passing by. Therefore, what I feel is purely emotional. The difference between these two has troubled me a lot and caused a lot of confusion.

    3) Whenever I think that I might be bi, I also feel something strange inside me. But that's because I don't feel the same about guys and girls, and I don't know which feelings better suit an official relationship. So unless I have an affair, I will never find out.

    4)So, I have to have an affair. Nothing more to think about this issue and life goes on.
     
  4. Rinamir Mortem

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    Forgive the cheese, but, if you heart says you are gay and want to be with guys more than girls, I figure that should be the determining factor. After all, logical thought would say if you want to have a sexual relationship with a guy that makes you a homosexual, if you want to have a sexual relationship with both then that makes you a bisexual. But that is my pragmatic viewpoint.

    In fact, you sound like an ever so slightly biromantic in that you are sometimes attracted to girls (correct me if I am wrong) but in terms of intimacy you sound very homosexual.

    Also, I don't think your every-now-and-then attractions to girls should make you question yourself. There is always going to be that part of you that will be attracted to the other sex. In fact, I sometimes feel that way myself but that doesn't stop me from saying I am, and being, 100% gay. I wouldn't immediately question my sexuality because I find another woman non-sexually attractive. For sure, women can be good looking, just the same as straight men might comment on the good looks of another man.

    The only issue is you are questioning, maybe confusing, attraction with sexual drive.
     
  5. Koalaman

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    Thank you for the helpful answers :slight_smile:

    I guess that really I do know what I want. But, what if I come out as gay and then someday fall for a woman? Guess I'm a bit scared at seemingly closing doors, even though saying I'm gay feels right.
     
  6. Koalaman

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    Thinking about it I think that's it. Being worried about closing doors, even though they're not for me. It's the idea that if (when) I come out as gay, it will feel as though options (that were never really there) are closed off to me.
     
  7. Rinamir Mortem

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    Then you have to ask yourself if you want those doors to remain open.

    But, from the sounds of things you only really have a window to women considering you have no interest in intimate relations with a woman. If there was a door, you would feel at least something sexually towards women, a main indicator probably being sexual fantasies or a drive towards women in general.

    I believe I have an analogy that might help. Sexuality is like a shoe. If should be comfortable of all things and it can last you a life time. When we buy a pair, there is always that little bit in our mind that tells us we are going to have to get a new pair in the future, but we don't know when but we still buy them. With you, you are putting off labeling yourself as gay because there is a bit of doubt, or wonder, about the future. But, at the point of time, you feel gay and calling yourself gay feels right, why stop yourself because of bit of doubt that might never turn up in the future? If it does then you can cross that bridge when you get to it. After all, sexuality is a fluid thing and can change in a person's lifetime and quite a few times too. If everyone held themselves back because of the tiniest of doubt over the future, we would never get anywhere.

    And, if you still want to keep a few doors or windows open, there is no harm in calling yourself a homosexual and a biromantic at the same time. It just means you like sex with men and romantic relations with women.
     
  8. Koalaman

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    That's a great analogy thanks :grin: I think I'm going to think about it some more, but I can tell you now I'm likely to identify as gay :slight_smile:
     
  9. bebebe

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    Are you really closing doors though? If you come out as gay (and from my point of view, it reads as though you are), an invisible force field doesn't go up preventing you from ever touching a girl should you meet one that you decide that you do want.

    I wouldn't put that much pressure on yourself. Just focus on being happy and accepting of who you are, in this moment and the future will take care of itself.